I feel like I am going around in circles, revisiting the same issues over and over and over. Am I making progress? I just don't know.
I don't want to overcontrol with a schedule, but a schedule seems necessary for me to have the security of a stable sex life, and gives me a chance to plan my sexuality by taking a bath, thinking erotic thoughts, etc.
I was reading Mrs.Cac's thread and related to her need to control, even though she is an emotional person underneath it all. Overcontrolling is my defensive against vulnerability. I have put a lot of thought into the schedule idea, and feel it's the right about of control for me...it gives me an opportunity to have regular intimate time with H, and that brings about vulnerability.
There is something about the schedule idea my H doesn't like. Maybe it feels like I am controlling him ,rather than it being something I need for me. He will treat it as a game, and mess it all up. I won't feel grounded. And in 2 weeks' time we will be back to square one, with lots of chaos and no forward movement in connection, just sex control games.
Quote: ---------------------------------------- There is something about the schedule idea my H doesn't like. ----------------------------------------
Is there a performance on demand issue with him?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
NOP... I believe you hit the nail on the head. When there's a schedule, there is too much expectation. When there is no schedule, I feel a little lost.
Maybe you should explain how you get ready for your encounters and suggest that he do something similar that gets him in the mood for the scheduled time.
Expecting you to always be ready whenever the mood hits him (likely his definition of spontaneity) isn't really fair. Agreeing to be in the mood, or at least amenable to sex on a schedule shouldn't be a far stretch for him, but he will have to stretch a bit.
You may have to stretch a bit and meet him half way on the teasing/flirting/hard-to-get game.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I don't want to overcontrol with a schedule, but a schedule seems necessary for me to have the security of a stable sex life, and gives me a chance to plan my sexuality by taking a bath, thinking erotic thoughts, etc.
I once read a novel in which an empty-nest couple developed the routine that the wife would take a bath in the evening and the husband would just sit and watch her and they would talk about their day and then they would have sex. Maybe you and H could do something like this to sort of get in the mood together? Maybe you could even add something like he could read some erotica aloud or you could tell him a sexy story from the tub. I'm just thinking that this might be a scenario that would get you both simultaneously relaxed and aroused.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
MJ, Last night was a little like that. I took a bath while H lit candles and incense. I put on something sensual for me and H complimented me---remember, he used to be mean and say things like " I don't care what you wear." He actually initiated oral on me ( again, remember he used to project the attitude that I/it was repulsive). Gosh, he hated me. Deep sigh. Anyway, we still have a ways to go, but he is trying.
LFL, I guess I am just feeling a bit sorry for myself over everything I have been through. It's not the overriding feeling, however---I am hopeful that things will continue to improve. Maybe I am being overdramatic with the hate word...more like anger and resentment and defensiveness. I won't dwell on it and instead I will be grateful for the changes.
