Thanks again, Lin. I'm so relieved that this day is finally almost over... It's been a long one. I'm absolutely and totally mentally and physically exhausted...

Thanks for the advice on DHEA. I'll have to look into that. Is it an actual prescription drug, or is it herbs of some type?

I worry about making suggestive comments... We had gotten to that point before he came home, but now... I should probably let some time pass. When he was with me the last two weeks, it was "just like old times" in that regard. He would swat me on the behind when he would walk by. We would be naked around each other. He called me our old "pet names." It was still strained (obviously), but there were so many wonderful things he did again that I had missed and taken for granted. Do you think those are good "baby steps," or are they just part of his confusion? Which, I guess confusion is better than a flat-out "no."

As for our trip, he is really, really bad at remembering dates and that sort of thing. I always make the plans for us and remind him where we need to be when. To that end, if I didn't bring up the trip again, he's likely to completely forget about it! \:\) So, what should I do? I don't want to be discourteous to his parents and not give them plenty of warning if we are not coming... At the same time, after our heated battle yesterday, I'm scared that if I ask him too soon he will just say "no." I know he's really stressed out about the business right now. I'm putting some funds together for some construction costs, and I'm behind on that. I told him yesterday that I was just having a really hard time focusing. It would probably be best if I work really hard the next, maybe week?, to get back on track with my focus on the business. That will hopefully ease that tension for him and maybe make him more open to going??? What do you think? And if I ask him about it and he says he doesn't want to go, do I ask if it's okay if I go by myself?

Thanks for sharing the details about your R and the course it took. Wow, what a roller coaster ride. You have been so incredibly brave and strong through all of this. It's so scary to think that I might have to go through as much as you did to finally get to where I want to be. But I know in my heart that if I don't give this everything I can that I will never forgive myself.

H told me yesterday that it was harder to tell me that it was over than just to say that he was still thinking about things and that he didn't want to just go on like this and "keep kicking me." I'm glad he doesn't want to hurt me, but I guess I just have to keep getting kicked until I can't take it anymore, and although I'm extremely emotional, I am NOT a quitter. I hope one day he will thank me for not giving up on him and us and for hanging in there during his "temporary insanity." \:\)

I understand what you're saying about getting to a point where you don't NEED H but that you still want him. As I mentioned before, although I was still a wreck, it was getting easier each day before he came home. I was not happy without him, but the pain was getting a little less. Maybe that was just because I knew that it was getting closer to our trip that we were going on, so I knew my countdown was coming to an end... I don't know. We'll see how it goes this time.

It's so hard because, even today, when we were together just talking about business stuff, we got along so well and were so comfortable together. He got me some chocolates out of the cupboard to eat and told me that I could only have one until I had a good dinner... \:\) There are so many things that are still the same, yet so many painful things that are different. I guess I should be grateful for whatever he is able and willing to give to me right now.

Quick question (just in case it ever comes up so that I'm not frantically posting here for help when it does!): If H does happen to come home one night in the future, what do I do? He did this unexpectedly one night in January, and it was wonderful. I made sure to ask him what he wanted from me, and it ended up that we ML twice that night. It was strained and a bit awkward, but it was still so nice. He actually held me, something I yearned for so much during these past two weeks that he kept shying away from. He would get into bed, turn over away from me, and would not cuddle with me. He was always a cuddler, and I love that about him. I will never take that for granted again when I get it back...

At any rate, what do you think I should do if this happens again? I feel like in my heart it will (maybe it's just wishful thinking at this point, which is okay by me). But I want to make sure that I handle it right. On the one hand,I don't want to push him away and not ML to him if he wants to since he already feel so rejected before this all happened. On the other hand, the last two weeks didn't go so well when we acted like nothing happened, so I'm not sure if it's wise... It was also really hard on me and I backslid quite a bit when he came home for the one night and we had such a nice night and then he went right back to her the next night...

Thoughts?

I'm already feeling better today (I think I'm just so overloaded that I'm finally just numb). Thank you so much for helping me through this day! I hope tomorrow I will wake up with a renewed sense of strength to keep working on ME. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but what is more important to fight for than my marriage?