This fish won't take the bait II

[Cinderellaman]

I'll drink to that Mopsey, here's to handing it over to God, something I am having to do too....there just is NO other way.

Take care....look after yourself and your kids, hug them (if they still like to be hugged) mine are younger, but I hug them to bits !!!

[Sunflower23]

Mopsey,

Just wanted to stop by and tell you that I have been in your shoes with the anger. My H went through a few months of blaming me for everything and screaming, yelling, cussing, raging. He punched the side of the refrigerator and put a big dent in it and broke one of his knuckles, we think. It was horrible. My H gets worse if he's drinking. I just had to learn when to avoid him (and mine is still in the home). This angry phase will pass. I don't know when. It seems now my H has moved on to being more calm, but very distant.

It's the guilt, I think, that causes them to be so angry at us. My H has been angry at our kids too and there was no reason, at all, for that.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Believe me I know how hard it is to deal with the anger.

Hugs,
Sun

[mopsey821]

Thanks All,

I feel like I have been through the anger phase already over the summer. It is so sad to go back to it. It seemed like H and I were getting along so well. Is this cycling?

My H has been angry with d11 this past week. She is the one he has been latching on to because s14 is angry with him. He also has been accusing s14 of taking d11's cell phone since she can't find it. Little does he know how much s14 looked for it. I feel so bad for my kids but he is such a mess. Yesterday angry crying. Today aloof and short.

I am not sure where I am in this process with h. He still wants D. Still claims he is with MOW and is full of anger and blame. I don't think at this time I can work with him and s14's c but I know this will anger H as well. Once he calms down a bit, maybe then.

Thanks again.
Mopsey

[job]

Mopsey,
They can have "fits" of anger over trival things, just as you've seen w/your h. The only way to diffuse the anger is to change subjects in mid-stream. If you can do that, he will have to focus on something else and lose the anger for a bit. I saw anger in my xh for about 5 years and it's still there peiodically if he doesn't get his way when he asks for things from the home. You have to learn to change the subject very quickly and do not take the bait he's throwing at you. If you don't argue w/him, who can he argue w? The ow, someone else or more importantly w/himself.

He's angry w/your d because she's not there at his beck and call. Too bad. He's going to have to realize that she's got a life and her world doesn't revolve around him dropping a quarter on a call. That's why he's angry, nothing more. Let this man stew in his pot for a while. The less contact you have w/him when he's like this, the better.

Mopsey, turn it over to God and allow him to deal w/it. Trust me, he's working on him every hour of the day, you just can't see it.

Hang in there.

[Between Tears]

Mopsey,

Like Snodderly, my xh has been angry for over 4 years now, his anger seems to spike when feels less in control, and when he doesn't seem to not only get his way, but when he isn't receiving the feedback he would like. For a long,long while, I thought it was only me he was erupting on, but back in January I found out differently. The accountant at the kids' orthodontist told me that he was really ugly to her one day, blamed her for not posting his payments correctly, was down right mean. I have found this person to be diligent, really personable, and always on top of nearly ever account. I apologized to her for his tantrum, and explained it had nothing to do with her, she shouldn't take his fit personally.

They have these fits of anger for a long while. Oh sure, xh seemed to have some tranquil times during the storm, but for the most part, if his rose colored glasses weren't fitting just right, he was throwing fits.

Now remember with your girls, they are teens, well, d11 is nearly teen. They have their own rollercoaster of hormones they are riding. There are days I wonder about my D14, she is beautiful, talented, intelligent, but also, can be one really obnoxious young lady. These are things to be expected with children this age anyway, without a parent who has abandoned them.

Secondly, you are going to be their sounding wall, for most, if not all of their emotions. The anger you will see.... whew! There are days I just want to walk out that door and keep on walking. Oh, I wouldn't, BUT, being on the receiving end of a lot of their anger, hurt, fears, can some times be so overwhelming. My D's C told me to expect it. Why? Because I was told I was the safe parent. They know deep in their hearts that you nor I will ever leave them, and will love them no matter what they do. So, in appreciation, we receive everything they have.

Oh, you will have the strongest bonds that no one in this world will ever divide.... but knitting bond together, takes everything you have and then some. My two are only a year a part, so I get one through one phase, and back to "normal" and then the other one goes into one of those phases... some times I feel as though I'm in my own twister, wishing I had some ruby slippers. Then I have the most perfect harmony in this home, that no one can imagine. It's been hard, but it won't be anything you can't handle.

Relax, don't look for problems, for there are many people who will come into your life that will give you a hand. Some you will meet, some you may not, and some you won't learn about until they have left the picture.

The important things you already know, you must detach, let God handle your H, take care of you and your D's needs, and trust that everything will be okay.

Take care of you, God Bless

Love,

Laughing

[mopsey821]

Journaling,
Well I haven't seen H since monday's explosion C office. I got 2 calls at 2 am on thurs and friday but none last night. I wonder if he just wants to wake me up or what. Anyway d11 and I went out to run errands. H sent tm asking about d11s swim champ. tomorrow ( he couldn't come to s14's but he'll be there for hers...ugh). Anyway as we were texting he asked if the kids could come to his sister's for baby christening next sunday. This is the same sister that he said was a b##%h and never wanted to be in the same room again several months ago. SHe had the nerve to tell him he needed help. Anyway, I told him I would drop kids off (won't go in) since s14 would probably not go in the car with him. Why make he and s14 uncomfortable from the start. I think H wanted to walk into sister's like nothing is wrong and he is super dad. I don't know if s14 will go. I hope he does. I doubt he will speak to his father there. I wish I could be a fly on the wall.

Anyway at the end of the tm he asked if we would continue c. I said not at this time. I didn't go into detail on a text message but I feel like h is trying to get me to form a united front on the d and to show the kids it's ok. Well it's not. I don't feel safe in a room with him either hurling accusations at me or him lying about the events of the past. Sorry. Not going to happen.

So, I am off to see s14 swim district high school meet tonight. Tomorrow is d11 swim champs. and I am hoping I don't see H there. I just can't get into it anymore. Is it true, the more you detach the harder it is for them. That is my motivation right now. I am going to just let him out there and see what happens. He is such a mess I can't stand to see it.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Mopsey..

ps for those following along, d11's cell phone was found in the snow outside. Must have dropped it on the way to friend's house. SO H accuses s14 of hiding it from her and accuses d11 of breaking it and not telling anyone. Nice....it was in the snow all along. Thank goodness for insurance...phone is covered.

[Holly06]

Mopsey,
I have daughters who swim too. What events do they swim?
I have sprinters, (50, yuck).
One swims fly,
one swims breast
one swims back.
I guess if I needed to I could swim free!
Tell them I said, I want a report of them not eating wake.

[job]

Mopsey,
First, I'm glad to see the cell phone turned up. I'm no the least surprised to hear that it as found outside. They are so small and can slip out of a pocket, purse or backpack w/o you even noticing. BTW, be sure to tell the man that it was found and he needs to know so that he can't go around accusing his children of doing things that they didn't.

Second, I hope that your daughter does well tomorrow. I'll be thinking about her and sending good wishes her way.

Now, about the christening next week, I think you handled the conversation very well w/him. I do think he wants to show his family that he's doing a great job staying in touch w/his children and yes, the A-one father. They don't buy intohis stories. They have a very good idea that he's being a jerk. So, I wouldn't worry too much about that A-one impression sticking in their minds at this time.

Now, about the "C". You don't have to given him explanation as to why you are not continuing at this time. However, just because you don't go, doesn't mean he can quit either. I think you are on to something about the united front. Take some time for yourself. If you opt to return to "C", do it on your own for the time being. Your "C" shouldn't be pushing anything at this time. He should be listening and trying to find a solution to the issues of your children.

Mopsey, I understand completely how you feel about being around him. He sure isn't acting like the man you once knew. Hang in there. You are doing well despite it all.

[mopsey821]

Thank you!

First Holly: my daughter swims breast and has a pretty good free. This is an age group team and she is on the low end of the 12 and unders so I hope that she will hold her own. S14 swam high school districts tonight. He swims back and free. His back time dropped 8 seconds since the start of the season and he finished 7 in the district in the 100 back. Not bad for a freshman. He came in 10th in the 200 free. He is thrilled. Best times in both events for him for the season. I love watching them. THey both started at 6 yrs old barely making it from one end of the pool to the next and now they are so good!!

H absence at s14's championships and districts was noticed. WHen he shows up tomorrow to see d11 it will really strike a chord with s14.

Snodderly, thanks for the positive feedback. I have my own C. She is so in tune with me and with my situation. She helped me to see that H is trying to use C to try to show the kids that D is ok with both of us. NO IT IS NOT!! Anyway, not sure why all the tm. Why didn't he pick up the phone and call? He is probably stewing about the CC still. Still trying to heep the blame on me and justify his actions. I don't know how I can have him continue C. I will ask s14's c (the same one that h and I saw) if the 2 of them should continue at this time. S14 is seeing his guidance C once a week so I am not sure if he needs to see this guy too. This is all part of H trying to not be the bad guy. Having everyone say it's okay to walk out on your family H. No problem. Because noone says this it is killing him. He wants to be liked by all.

Anyway, I asked friends of mine to save me a seat tomorrow where H can't come in to chat. I hope he doesn't ambush me elsewhere. Haven't told s14 about the christening saga yet. I want him to enjoy his great night at swim. He seems so stressed out and I worry about him.

I am exhausted but know I won't sleep. I wonder if my late night caller will be on the prowl tonight. Snodderly, is my M doomed at this point? Honest opionion. I feel like I am dealing with someone totally irrational and looking for justification for an A. I feel like I am hanging on to this by a thread and I don't know if he can emerge from this crisis. It is like he is a broken man and I am the cause of it in his eyes.

Thanks for your well wishes for d and all of your support. I am not sure how I would get through some of this without you.

Mopsey

[Holly06]

I know how much time and effort that goes into swimming.
Tell your son a strange lady loves his improvement this season.
Is he going to states? On a relay? It is loads of fun to achieve the next level.
As a boy he only looks forward to swimming better and better.
Your daughter swims breast, eh? Well well well. Be careful about those knees! My daughter developed patella femoral after her freshman year. Hard to come back after that. That is why she swam lots of free after that.
Mopsey, Are you done? Only you will know that. No situation is hopeless. They always come around eventually. Everyone will see through the lies and deceit. THey know you.
Good plan about the swim meet tomorrow. He will not like sitting by himself. Swim meets are long, and one cannot take enough reading material between events, if you are by yourself.
He will feel left out.
Do what is best for your children. It sounds like you are,
Hopes and wishes coming your way,
Holly