Quoting Heather from her last thread: ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Things are going ok. Not great, not even good exactly, but ok.
I still have a lot of apprehension about H's view of our life together and what it means to him.....he still seems to find it acceptable to tell me what I 'can' and 'can't' do which is very troublesome to me and I need to address it. Here's yesterday's example-I found a church that I MIGHT like to visit. It's called a Unitarian church and it sounds like a place I might like. I sent him a link to the website and he happened to call shortly after so I told him I sent the link. He was ADAMANTLY against going. I said, well I'd like you to go with me, but I can't make you. I might like to go myself then though, I'll have to see. He said 'I'm just sitting here thinking, it's more time away from the family, but I'm starting to change my thoughts on that too so...'. I said, 'well, like I said, I can't make you come with me, but if I get involved and it's something I enjoy, there's no reason the kids can't come with me'. He said 'yes there is. There's a huge reason-I am completely against it'. He argued against church, organized religion and I tried to explain that I share most of his views, but this church sounded different and that was why I sent him the link. He kept asking questions about why, what's the point, etc. I happened to still have the website open so I answered each of his rhetorical questions with an answer from the website, which he mostly argued with as well. At one point he asked me if this is something my 'ideal spouse' would do and I didn't know if he was being sarcastic, but it didn't sound like it so I said 'no, not necessarily. But my ideal spouse would probably say something along the lines of, if it's important to you to give it a try then go ahead and if you find it to be something you enjoy, feel free to take the kids, you are their mother'. He just said "Well..." and that was all. At some point, he said that church/religion is something we're supposed to co-parent on and I said 'I know, that's why I asked you to come with me'. (Sidenote-convenient how he mentions coparenting when it suits him....I'd like to coparent on the bedtime issue and in some other areas as well and I've been trying for years to no avail). I can't remember what prompted me to say this, but I said 'I can't imagine you asking me to attend or do something with you or for you and me saying straight up no, I just don't understand that'. He jumped all over that statement saying that I was attacking him by saying 'I would never do this or that to you...'. I told him I didn't mean to attack him, but that for me, the statement is true. I wouldn't say no. He said so if I asked you to...I can't even remember the example he used...do xyz, then you would do it?' I said 'If you wanted me to, yes, I'd at least try it'. He said, 'well that's the thing, I would never ask that of you.' I said 'H, we've been together for 15 years and you've never asked anything of me? Is that the kind of R we want, one in which we never ask anything of one another?' He said 'I'm just not like that, I don't ask anything of you'. He said "I don't know, maybe it's just my mood right now, maybe I'll feel differently later, but..." I said "Ok, maybe we can try to talk about it again later". And that was it.
So there you have it. The old dynamics are just chomping at the bit to return. I found two things promising. One was that he asked what my ideal spouse would do, I was surprised he cared enough to ask. The second positive thing was that he left the door open to change his mind. I did not act pissy last night which I think surprised him. He expected me to mad, even asked me if I was mad in the form of 'Uh-oh, the look on your face is not good, what'd I do?' The look on my face was fine, he was just anticipating the worst. I just said 'Is there an odd look on my face...I don't know, I feel fine'. And we went about our night.
But this has GOT to be addressed. We need to have another discussion this weekend and I could sure use some assistance with putting my thoughts together. I get so overwhelmed by his reactions to things that I don't even know where to start! ----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi, Heather.
Forget about the new church for now. He is just looking for a reason to argue and discount your actions and attitude. Don't feed him the opportunity. You have him on the run, and on the defensive. This is an uncomfortable place for him. Expect him to continue power plays. Just be non-reactive.
I like the "ideal spouse" reply, good job.
Now to his reactions. Expect them to get stronger and more challenging. Keep responding with your "new relationship plan". The more aggressive he becomes, the more cheerful you become, while you ignore his behavior - for now.
After a couple weeks of giving him time to get used to the new you, then it will be time to call him up to the plate and ask him if he is going to play or not.
The new Heather that is non-reactive to his button pushing needs to become a real part of you. Your relationship needs it now. You will need it in a new relationship, even if it is not with your husband.
You are going to have to prove that the changes in you are real, and you will have to do that via demonstration. Talking is great, but don't give away much of the plan. You want him to buy into it before you completely tell him what it is.
All of this may seem unfair to you, but it really isn't. It addresses issues in your current relationship, and preps you for a new one, regardless of your husbands actions.
Start working on improving your relationship with your children apart from your husband.
Can you describe your current relationship with your kids to me?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
