Thanks so much for replying, imLIN. It helps so much to know that others have been where I'm at and have made it. I'm so happy that you held the course and that it worked out for you. Thanks for passing along some much-needed strength to me today.

I finally made it in to the office today. We actually have a home office away from our home that we both work out of, by ourselves... Difficult. He said he was going to be here this afternoon. We'll see.

My heart is just tearing apart today. I hurt so much. I just feel at moments like I just can't take it anymore and feel so desperate for something - anything - to just ease the pain. I remember feeling this way when I first found out about the A, and I know it got easier with time. But I also know that last time he told me within a few weeks that he had decided to give us another chance, and I think that made it so much easier, because I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.

This time, it feels different in that now he's telling me that he doesn't want to be with me. Do you think that was just a defensive mechanism because he is so tired of having the R talks with me and just doesn't want to do that part anymore? He did tell me yesterday early in our conversation when I was asking him if he had made his decision that he said he had decided part of it. I asked him what he meant by that, and he said he knew he didn't want to have these conversations anymore. He also told me later in the conversation that I debate him all the time when we talk, that I always have. It drives him crazy. He's always told me that whenever we talk about any sort of R issue he feels like I back him into a corner. I don't know exactly what he means by that, and I honestly don't mean to be that way. I want to find a way to make him feel safe to communicate with me. He affectionately calls me the "birddog" in our business because my personality is to get to the bottom of things, never take "no" for an answer, keep working at it until I can succeed at what I want. I was thinking about this last night, and I guess that I've let that carry over to our R side as well. If I ask him a question and don't get the answer I want, I ask it a different way until I do get the answer I want instead of just accepting what he said the first time.

He also says that I twist his words around. For example, yesterday, as I told you, he told me that he was done with our M. He said he didn't want to work on it anymore. But at the end of our conversation, he agreed to let us stay married and just be friends and slow down and see if there was any spark that ignited that we could build off of in the future. Obviously this is in direct conflict with him saying that he is done with our M and doesn't want to be married to me anymore.

So I brought that up and asked him which was the true answer. He said that he would wait it out but got frustrated that I kept asking about it...

I want to work on my communication style regarding our R so that I can allow him to feel like he can talk to me without feeling cornered and pressured and analyzed. Do you have any suggestions of what I can do to work on this? I know it is going to be a key element if we are to get through this, and I honestly want to get better at communication with him. Whenever we talk about our R, he just shuts down. He sits there and says mostly nothing while I foam at the mouth. \:\) I don't know what to do, so I just keep talking. I ask him questions that he'll usually answer, but it's usually just a yes or no answer rather than him expanding on his feelings.

However, when we talk about our business, we can talk for hours, and he contributes equally to the conversation. He's told me in our last few "talks" that he knows I need someone who can communicate about the R better and that it's not fair to me that he can't give that to me. The problem is that I know it's partly MY fault that he feels like he can't communicate with me, because of the way I make him feel. So how can I work on fixing that and showing him that I'm doing so WITHOUT getting into a R talk?

I also have a few other questions that I need help on.

1.) He told me yesterday that if my decision was that I didn't want to have a business relationship with him if we weren't married that it was probably best if we start sorting through figuring out what to do with the business now rather than letting it get even more tangled up. He said that if we did slow down and stayed married and just waited this thing out, as I was requesting, and and if it didn't work out after that I was just going to want to end the business, too, that he would prefer to just end it now. But then at the end of the conversation he said that it would be okay to wait it out, even if that was my ultimate decision to end the business if it didn't work out with us. So, as you can see, again there is some different answers happening, so of course I question him about it 50 million times to make sure he keeps giving me the same answer in the end...

So, my question is, at this point it honestly makes me sick to my stomach to think about contributing all that I do to our business only for him to share any financial and emotional success with her. I feel like he wants his cake and to eat it, too. As he told me when this all first happened, he wants to spend his personal time with her and his business time with me. Well, isn't that just perfect for him? In the meantime, my heart is tearing into a million pieces as I have to work next to the man I love and have my personal life in the toilet. Yes, I want more than anything for him to be happy and successful, as I know he wants for me. But, I don't feel like I want to CONTRIBUTE to that, to him getting the best of me and breaking my heart at the same time. Is it wrong for me to feel that way? Am I being selfish? Is it just me being manipulative, thinking that if I tell him I can't be side by side doing the business with him while he's sharing his heart with someone else he will somehow change his mind and give us another chance to try to save the business, too? Since I'm so involved with this emotionally, I can't seem to put my finger on the right answer here. I was hoping someone looking in from the outside who knows about DB'ing principles could help me sort through this. I DO want him to be happy, but the thought of me contributing directly to that only for him to share that with someone who helped contribute to all of these problems we are having literally just makes me sick. I'm afraid that if I agree to do this (maybe even for now?) that it's making it too easy on him to stay with her. But, on the other hand, if I tell him I'm not willing to do it, I'm afraid he's hurting so much right now that he will just say to heck with it and let the business go, too...

So, do I tell him now that I've decided that I do not want to stay his business partner if we aren't able to work through this and that I need to know whether that changes his decision on whether he's willing to wait this out? Or, since he already told me yesterday that he was willing to wait it out even if that was my decision (even though earlier in that same conversation he told me he would just as soon start figuring out the business stuff now if that's the direction we were going to go), do I just let it go and keep working hard on the business while he sleeps with someone else? Help!!!

2.) Is it best for me now to just ride this thing out, not bring up the R at ALL (to the best of my ability), and act like nothing is wrong? Do I just work on getting back to being a happy person and letting him see that? I just worry so much that if I do that it's just making it easy for him to stay with her - because there is no conflict with me. He's getting everything he wants - R with her and business with me. Why would he want to change that?

3.) We have a trip scheduled to fly to see his parents. We are scheduled to leave two weeks from yesterday and to spend a few days with them. I scheduled this AFTER the blowout in November. I had asked him about it, and he said it would be okay if we planned a trip down there. As my usual self, I questioned him 50 million times about it to "make sure" that it was okay and that I kept getting the same answer, and he said it was, to go ahead and schedule the flight. I even asked him if he wanted me to wait until he at least came home first, and he said no, to schedule it. So I did.

I asked him when we had our long talk on our trip if he still wanted to go, and he said he wanted to make sure that we had all of our ducks in a row with the business and that we'd see. I asked him if he wanted to go by himself without me, and he said he'd think about it.

When we got home from our trip last weekend, I asked him again about it, and he said that we could still go and that I could go, too.

I asked him again about it yesterday and told him that I would still really like to go if he was open to it. He said he thought it was more important to get everything going well with the business. I asked him if we did if we could go, and he asked if we could talk about it later.

So, what do I do about this? Do I keep asking him about it? Do I just cancel it (don't want to do that)? I think if we spend some time with his parents it may help. Both of our parents have been married for almost 40 years, and that is part of why this is so hard on me. I never even imagined that I wouldn't stay married forever. We both love our parents more than I can express. I'm hopeful that being around them might help? Although he did tell me around Thanksgiving time (fresh from this all blowing up) that he knew his parents would not approve of what he's done and that it was hard when we went over there together for Thanksgiving - he was really anxious to leave. I'm not sure if that initial pain might have subsided a bit to where it would be more helpful rather than hurtful at this point? I don't know... If he does say he does not want to go, would it be wrong for me to still go by myself? It would be awkward for me, but I guess in a silly sort of way it would maybe help me to feel closer to him to be around them... And I love them so very much. It hurts so much to think about not being in their lives as much anymore at holidays, family gatherings, etc. FYI - no one (unless he's told someone and is lying to me about it) knows about this - no friends, family, colleagues. No one.

So what do you think about this trip? What should I do?

4.) Finally for now, could someone looking in from the outside give me an honest take on what you think is going on with him? Do you think he may come out of this if I give it time? Do you think he's just buying time to sort the business stuff out and that he's never going to snap out of this? Is he just telling me what I want to hear? Why does he tell me one thing and then the next minute agree to do something else? Is it because of my poor communication "birddog" skills? It would help me to hold on if someone could tell me they had been through these same things and had made it through it.

Thanks again for listening and for all of your advice.