I'm having a tough time with this one! I honestly think I have lost myself along the way--suppressed my true self. I don't know who I am or what I want to do when I grow up.
I am a musician, with a music degree. I don't play (clarinet) anymore, but I still sing (community choral stuff). I've always wanted to learn to paint. Always wanted to braid rugs and quilt and stuff like that. I loved crafts as a kid. I also liked to collect poetry/song lyrics in a journal. I liked calligraphy and photography. Now I enjoy scrapbooking. And, I'm a genealogy nut. (Not that that's particularly related here.)
I think beauty and aesthetics are important to me. Music and poetry/lyrics can be very moving to me. I love color, although you wouldn't know it to look at my white walls. I love flower gardens, but find gardening to be too much work. I think orderliness is important, but my house can be quite messy at times. My last WOH job was as a corporate librarian, yet I don't think I'm terribly organized (although I really was on the job).
Favorite movie...not sure. I like Sense and Sensibility. I don't think I've ever seen Wuthering Heights! I enjoyed reading Jane Eyre as a teen. I also love romantic comedies. My favorite of that genre is probably "French Kiss." I loved Kevin Kline in that movie. And I'm a bit of a francophile. Actually this reminded me that I love French music from the Romantic period--Debussy, Faure, Satie.
Go here and read. You'll note that the basic fear of the type 4 is:
Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity)
Quoting you:
I honestly think I have lost myself along the way--suppressed my true self.
You're fine... just a perfectly normal 4.
Some Enneagram books call the 4 The Artist or The Romantic. The 5 is usually The Scientist or The Investigator. On this board, cobra is a 5; NJ and I are 4's. Karen is a 3. Mojo is a 7.
One of the things about the 4 that I really relate to is that the 4 usually did not bond with either parent.
Read up on the 5, since that's what cac is.
Also on this site, you can read about compatibilities between types. Here is the 4 with 5 pairing.
An excerpt:
Potential Trouble Spots or Issues of the 4/5 relationship: The greatest area for discord in a Four/Five pairing is that Fours are emotional types and tend to push for more contact and intimacy, sometimes becoming overly demanding, whereas Fives are thinking types and tend to push for more detachment and space in the relationship, sometimes becoming more reclusive and private. Fours can experience Fives as being too intellectual and feel that Fives are analyzing them rather than sympathizing with their emotional needs and states. They can also feel that Fives are unavailable and detached, uncaring and unresponsive to their needs in their relationship. Fours feel they can also be impractical and take too long to respond when a situation calls for action.
On the other hand, Fives can see Fours as bottomless pits of emotional needs who drain their time and energy. Fives also feel that Fours' emotionality reflects a lack of rationality or is a sign of immaturity that seems potentially dangerous and out of control.
Any of that fit?
The Enneagram is a fascinating way to look at personalities. Like most things, it's part nature and part nurture. There are many, many books on the subject. The best one (and I own dozens of them) is "The Wisdom of the Enneagram" by Riso and Hudson. There's also a lot on this site to explore. I think the Enneagram is much more useful than the Myers-Briggs typology.
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P.S. I sing in a college choir every day-- have for six years.
Interesting discussion re smoking, smells and ED. My H smokes heavily and I do not like the smell on him either, I MUCH prefer it when he has quit smoking. Everything about him smells better not just his breath.
The very best smell on a man is weak body odour. A freshly washed and colgned man is OK. But a man who got washed this morning and put on cologne and now it's the afternoon...mmmm
Being HD I can usually (but not always) get past the smell on H and get down to business and after a few limbering up exercises and heavy breathing the smell on him improves. But I can easily see that if I was at all LD the smell would put me off completely.
And at risk of giving TMI, the taste of his ...er... fluid.. is MUCH better when he's a non-smoker.
I have been noticing for quite a while now that H no longer gets "morning wood", he will get an E if I directly arouse him but otherwise not (or a pretty weak one). I have also noticed that the E can fade pretty easily and he needs more direct stimulation (such as oral). I have been taking this personally somewhat (not the morning wood part) just the weak E. When HD posted about poking MrsHD's butt with his morning E but not meaning anything by it (yeah right HD) that's when I thought "uh oh - that never happens anymore in our house"
I've also read that excessive alcohol consumption diminishes testosterone
mrsCac I am so glad you have joined us. You sound like a great lady and cac is lucky to have you (and you him of course). I am really quite inspired by you joining and it makes me think I should invite MrHap. SCARY thought - yikes!
Hey HD how about inviting Ms HD? I will if you will...
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Fearless, thanks for your thoughts. I remember relating to a lot of what you posted while I was lurking here.
I also have a "weird uncle x" who has said some inappropriate things to me. It didn't have much of an effect on me, though, because I was an adult. Still icky, but I had the maturity by then to see it as his problem and nothing to do with me.
IRT coping mechanims, you're absolutely right. Children find a way to deal with emotional or physical abuse any way they can, the most extreme being split personality. As adults we bring those coping mechanisms into our Rs and Ms and proceed to seriously damage or destroy them. I think the great majority of people are in this situation.
By the way, my father did tease me a lot and so did my brothers, my grandfather, cousins, etc. and I enjoyed it. I also teased them right back. It still wasn't the same as the "locker room" teasing guys do but that's between guys. The important part about teasing is to be aware of the other persons reactions. Another good check is to think - do they tease me back in the same manner? If not, you might want to rethink how you're teasing.
Good points. In spite of my childhood issues with my father we do tease each other in appropriate ways and I honestly enjoy these exchanges. We are very much alike, personality wise.
The idea of a strong mother being able to balance out inappropriate comments and innuendo from the father doesn't seem possible to me. I don't have experience here but I just don't see how that's possible. The point is that the girl's interaction with her male role model is not appropriate and confuses her sexual development. How can the mother ultimately affect that? I would agree that she can potentially minimize the effect but balance it doesn't seem possible.
Right again. If the mother heard the father make the comment (the first comment ever) and she stepped in and defended the daughter and then got the father alone and told him she'd smack him upside the head if he ever did it again (well OK not "smack", but told him very strongly that she would not tolerate that behavior) and then talked about it with the daughter afterwards and tried to do damage control, then the mother MIGHT be able to "balance out" the father's behavior. However, the likelihood that it would play out this way is extremely low IMO.
Fran, how old is your H? Has he had any tests for heart disease? The article cited below says that ED in a smoker can be a sign of heart disease. (My bf started having problems with ED when he was in his 40's. At 54 he had quad bypass surgery.)
You said: I have also noticed that the E can fade pretty easily and he needs more direct stimulation (such as oral). I have been taking this personally somewhat
Do NOT take it personally. Don't. But do suggest he have a complete physical especially including a cardiovascular checkup.
The news is not good: _____________________
QUOTE:
What are the physical causes of impotence (erectile dysfunction)?
Smoking. A recent study at the New England Research Institute in Watertown, Massachusetts, found that impotence was equally common among smokers and non-smokers in general. However, among men with certain health problems, those who smoked were much more likely to have potency problems. For example, 56 percent of smokers with heart disease were completely impotent compared with only [ONLY??!! ] 21 percent of non-smokers with the disease.
Alcoholism. Excessive alcohol consumption disrupts hormone levels and can lead to nerve damage. This type of impotence may be reversible or permanent depending on the severity of the nerve damage. Some clinical studies suggest about 25 percent of all alcoholics become impotent--even after they stop drinking.
I am the HD in our marriage....H has LD...has been suffering with ED as of late too...I attributed it mostly to guilt feelings...about past abuse (sexual and emotional) and recent diabetes diagnosis....also noticed the more he drank the more amorous he became and the less hard....he is in recovery now so that is no longer an issue...
At times he is good but I noticed the lack of morning woodies...and as someone else mentioned needs more then the average stimulation to really get going...and keep going
I do know that anything that causes hardening of the arteries will also cause ED because....well it takes blood flow to make an E and if the arteries harden....well there is no "hardening" for the guy...no elasticity means no engorgement...no E
MrsCac...you are being very insightful about your experiences...I do hope this helps you and MrCac to eventually create the physical bond that should be desired in a marriage..
About the sense of smell and it's acuteness (something very common in Autism)....I have a very good sense of smell and it wasn't till H mentioned it to me that he noticed I sniffed him when we would hug....and that I did this to my babies...and in turn my kids now do this when they hug us.....but I also understand being able to smell the "real" person and not the smoke or cologne...I can relate to the smell of natural man...slightly manly smell...not strong BO but just that musk-like smell....I love it
Things are getting better between us....he has been home for almost a year now...and finally on our anniversary said "I love you." ....haven't heard that in a long time
Well I know I jumped in mid-stream here...hi, my name is Lin...have some control issues but am working on them...H has passive/agressive issues in response to my control issues...wow, what a couple we make
I am the HD in our marriage....H has LD...has been suffering with ED as of late too...I attributed it mostly to guilt feelings...about past abuse (sexual and emotional) and recent diabetes diagnosis....also noticed the more he drank the more amorous he became and the less hard....he is in recovery now so that is no longer an issue...
At times he is good but I noticed the lack of morning woodies...and as someone else mentioned needs more then the average stimulation to really get going...and keep going
I do know that anything that causes hardening of the arteries will also cause ED because....well it takes blood flow to make an E and if the arteries harden....well there is no "hardening" for the guy...no elasticity means no engorgement...no E
MrsCac...you are being very insightful about your experiences...I do hope this helps you and MrCac to eventually create the physical bond that should be desired in a marriage..
About the sense of smell and it's acuteness (something very common in Autism)....I have a very good sense of smell and it wasn't till H mentioned it to me that he noticed I sniffed him when we would hug....and that I did this to my babies...and in turn my kids now do this when they hug us.....but I also understand being able to smell the "real" person and not the smoke or cologne...I can relate to the smell of natural man...slightly manly smell...not strong BO but just that musk-like smell....I love it
Things are getting better between us....he has been home for almost a year now...and finally on our anniversary said "I love you." ....haven't heard that in a long time
Well I know I jumped in mid-stream here...hi, my name is Lin...have some control issues but am working on them...H has passive/agressive issues in response to my control issues...wow, what a couple we make
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