Well, I've made the decision to NOT make a decision.
I strongly believe that if I make the unilateral decision to put an end to our R, that it will prolong SO's problems. Maybe that's not the best reason for me to decide this, but it is what I inherently feel.
In addition, D8 is in the middle of a school year. I'd rather not move (a) during winter and (b) during her school year. My decision can be revisited in May/June, when it's closer to the end of the year. Besides, there's little to no rentals available right now in the area I need to go.
Until then, I will:
A. Deal with his BPD (or whatever personality disorder it is) issue by 1. Continue reading BPD info 2. Continue to find out how to communicate with him 3. Encourage him to continue therapy 4. Learn the correct ways to set my own personal boundaries and the consequences to him by not respecting those boundaries
B. Deal with R / OW issue 1. Re-read DB then determine what goals can be made, while simultaneously taking into account the BPD problems 2. Go back to "subtle pursuit"
I have to do a lot more reading and further deep soul searching to determine what "I" ultimately hope to have happen and what I would be able to accept from this R. That is not going to be easy. If he was to recommit to our "R", will I ever get what I need/want from him? I know I can't see the future, so that will not be possible to predict, but I currently feel that I CAN "get him back".
But here's the kicker. Is that what I really want? That's what I need to figure out in the upcoming months. Knowing that he's got some kind of personality disorder, would it be something that I have the strength to deal with in the future? That's where learning how to communicate with him and his disorder will come into play. That's where recognizing my boundaries, and enforcing them, will play a big, big factor in determining the outcome of this.
I feel like I've been coasting along, constantly erring on the side of caution; afraid to take certain stands because I didn't know what I was dealing with. Now with more resources available; with his (hopefully) continued psychological counseling, perhaps, even if I do end up moving out and ending this (romantic) R, I will feel like I truly have done everything available. No matter what the definition of our R is, this man is the father of my children and I will need to know how to deal with him for the well-being of my children.
The thought of leaving now has not sat well with me. I feel like there are still stones unturned. And I REALLY don't like the thought of moving D8 during a school year. If my decision doesn't jive with him, well, as DB says (in matters of divorce), if he wants me out, then HE needs to do the work. He can go to court and have me evicted, if that's what he wants. Or, he can move out (again). Whatever - it will be his choice.
However, MY choice is to give it everything I've got for the next 3 months. At the end of that time, I may very well decide that leaving is the best choice for me & my kids.
Time will tell. In the meantime, my first order of business is to finish the "walking on Eggshells" workbook I have. That helps me figure out my needs, my boundaries and how to enforce them. It gives the necessary strategies to cope with him as well as maintain my own personal well being. Time to get to it.
