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Hi all, I have not been on here in a while. Have been just going along. No movement on the ILYs from H, or on intimacy, some times it really really bothers me and others I am just sad about it. Trying so hard to be patient. H actually said he hates it when I am standing there and he knows I am waiting for a hug, and it makes him want to hug me even less. He then said I need to be patient, which I guess is a good sign.

We haven't had any joint counseling sessions in a while. I have been waiting for him to schedule them, I don't know if I should ask for one or not. We have had a couple "discussions" and made it through on our own, so that is good. Valentines Day I got a card and he signed it Love, H, but it was a fairly generic card, oh well, I did the same for him. No pressure right.

I have been having a lot of issues with myself and the whole PMA and getting a life, have discussed it with my counselor at length. I feel like there is this cloud of questions over my head all titles "am I good enough for...." and not just H, but everything, and the current answer is no for most of them, although I try to say yes, I am not able to boil this down and accept that I am good enough for myself, I guess that is the bottom line, I don't feel good enough and that is the underlying problem with so much of my life. I have to find away to put that aside, to get over myself shall we say. I need to accept that I am good enough period, that there doesn't need to be a qualifier added to that. I think just writing about it is making me think, funny how seeing something in print is helpful.

I AM GOOD ENOUGH, JUST AS I AM.

Thanks I needed that.

My couselor talked about thinking about a tapestry and how on one side it can look a mess but on the other it is beautiful, not that I think I am beautiful but I feel like the backside of the tapestry, I need to know that it is okay to look that way, that it is supposed to look that way to make the other side what it is supposed to be. If it was all neatly one color, it would be boring. It needs those other colors and textures woven in to make it interesting and wonderful. Life gives us both, rough textures, we have to work them in just like the silk, they are harder to work in, but will in the end add so much to the work.

I stopped typing there for a minute thinking about all the different textures from my life that would be on there, birthday ribbon, wedding dress strips, baby colors, horse hair, and the rocks and sticks from the current marriage situtation, and thinking about what an incredibly diverse and beautiful work it would be, I can see it hanging there, and I can see myself looking at it and being amazed. I know I would like to look at it.

I am on a journey to understanding myself and accepting myself, the rest of my life will follow, the better I care for myself and love myself, the easier those other parts will enter and flow.

I can do this. I am strong. I can make it. I can