I want you to know that each time I post I am learning too. I am no more amazing than you and everyone else in the world. We are all very special. Each of us have special gifts. Each of us have a purpose for being here. No one is any more special than anyone else.
We have the "power" within each of us to become who ever we choose to be. God has given us that power, it is just a matter of us becoming consciously aware that it exists within us.
Almost all of us have been looking externally for that "power" when all along it has been inside of us. Just as we seek happiness externally, true happiness comes from within.
Authentic power is the alignment of the personality with the soul. A person who is in MLC is a person who is out of alignment. Their personality and their soul are at odds with one another and the personality is fighting for it's existance without consideration of the existance of ones soul and what it needs.
Our personality is our ego. Our ego is very powerful and can try to control us. When we focus on our ego, life gets out of balance. Focusing on our ego is focusing on me, me ,me, and what I want without consideration of what the soul wants.
The soul wants peace, harmony and love. The ego wants all that is external believing that power lies in having "more." The ego believes that what it already has is not "enough."
A MLC person believes that as soon as they have "more" they will be happy. What they currently have is "not enough" and makes them feel "not good enough."
By chasing for "more" of what they don't have, they feel they will be happy. A MLC person lives in the world of "someday."
They think "someday" I will have what will bring me happiness. To most MLC spouses, that means the right partner. A MLC person has been unhappy inside and not content with what they already have. To them, something is missing. They don't feel complete. Their is a big vopid inside of them wanting more of "something."
When they discover the OM/OW, they believe that is what has been missing in their lives. They have finally found their "soulmate" the person they were meant to be with. They begin to believe that they married the wrong person. That the only way they will ever be happy is if they get rid of the person that is making them unahppy, and beginning a new life with the person that "fulfills their needs."
The MLC spouse is searching for "more" love, appreciation, validation of their feelings. The OW/OM in the eyes of the MLC spouse give this to them. It is what they believe. The MLC spouses beliefs are their reality. It is what they believe to be true for them.
That is why it is impossible to convince a MLC spouse otherwise. It is a waste of our time and energy trying to convince the MLC spouse that they are wrong in their thinking or beliefs. They feel they have finally found the answer to their happiness.
The LBS resisting and fighting to get the MLC spouse back only confirms what the MLC spouse already believes. That the LBS is the cause of their unhappiness and pain.
We believe by fighting for our marriage we will get our spouse back. This is the furthest thing from the truth. By fighting our MLC spouse to get them to wake up and see what they are doing is wrong, will only drive the wedge between us deeper.
A person going through MLC would be going through it no matter who they were married to. MLC is not about the marriage, it's about the person not understanding the conncetion between their past experiences and their present ones. It's about the MLC person being broken inside and needs to be healed.
Many people are trying to fix the marriage. The marriage is not the problem. The marriage simply brings up pain inj the MLC spouse that brings back memories of his or her childhood experiences. The pain within the MLC person is the root of the problem.
Until the MLC person deals with the root of their pain, the marriage can not be worked on nor can it be saved. When two married people are having relationship issues, it's not as much about the issues between them, but that the relationship brings up deeply buried issues from the past that we only believe are caused by our present situation.
The experiences from childhood and adulthood are different in only that it involves different people. Some may still involve people from childhood such as parents or siblings. But for the most part, the two spouses didn't know each other as children growing up. They may have known them supericially, but not intimately to the core of their issues.
I'm going to say something that some people might take offense to. But it is what I feel is reality.
The experience that everyone is going through with a MLC spouse is not happening "to us." It is happening "for us." By that I mean, there are "life lessons" that each of us are suppose to be learning while going through life and this experience.
Instead of fighting and resisting this experience, we need to learn to accept it as a natural and healthy event in our own personal development. There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
By fighting for our marriage, we will learn that it is not within "our power" to save it. There are things we can do that may have some influence on whether we remain married or get divorced. But utlimately, the power to continue being married is not within our control. That is why the biggest lesson of this experience is learning to "let go."
The more we resist, the more things persist. Once we become consciously aware of this fact and begin to release all that is not within our control, we begin to find peace and happiness. Trying to control the uncontrollable is asking for the impossible. It will only lead to great frustration and extreme dissapointment.
I believe that I was different and that my marriage was different. I believed that I could find the answer to getting my wife back. I believed that as long as I didn't give up, that I could eventually make it happen. I believed that all I needed was more patience and perseverance.
You know what? I WAS WRONG.
The power to control others, especially my xwife, was not within me. What I believed was all an illusion. It wasn't reality. It was what I felt I needed to be "good enough" to be "loved" to be "appreciated" to be "valued." My belief was that If I didn't get my wife back I would be none of those things. I would be nobody without her.
What I am now learning is that I am all of those things and more. I am "good enough" just as I am. I am "loveable" just as I am. I am "appreciated" just as I am. I am "valued" and "appreciated" just as I am.
That is what we all need to learn. What we are today is enough. What we do today is enough. We can not do or be anymore than what is within our power today. That is all we have and that is all we will ever have. And that is "enough."
