Tales from the Crucible: A Long Overdue Update

[NotATLDave]

I assume you're talking about more initiative sexually? What would that look like to you?

Yes. She does initiate occasionally and it's never with any hints or context from me....it's like "snaps"..as if a remote-control, alien mind-control chip was activated. And when it does happen...it's very hot. Once she called me on my mobile from the upstairs bedroom and told me come "tuck her in". A few weeks ago, she even pulled me in for hot moment on the kitchen counter. My guess is that the frequency of this increased from about once a year to three times a year. Adding a few incidences each year would be nice but 100% year over each subsequent year would be incredible.

Are you still dealing with sexual starvation?

"Starvation" seems like a strong word...maybe just a occasional "hunger pains". So much of my needs for sex were related to anxiety relief. My need for her to "desire" me is no longer an issue because I've made peace with the fact that it's nothing to do with me and even she acknowledges this as her issue in an compassionate way.
Here, I have access to really good $7/hr. massages. I've also come to grips (great pun in 3..2..1...) with frequent MB.

My strategy right now is to just deal with the system we are in and maintain the comfort zone. But I'm also trying to use these overseas-opportunities (travel, mingling with locals, etc) to stretch ourselves. Who knows where it will lead but at least we are enjoying it now. I really think the solution to SSM (with someone who doesn't think there's a problem and doesn't get the whole 1x a week etc thing) is to NOT use sex as the point of conflict/assertion. When I was using sex as the "point of contention" it made the actually act feel "forced". Having some distance away from that time in our R has made it really refreshing and I think the slight improvement with her initiation is due to this.

When you're talking about "give(ing) her something, but she doesn't want anything" - are you talking sexually or ?

Well, if I understand Schnarch correctly, there's a correlation between a person's approach to sex and their approach to life. If this is the case, then, like her "spurts" of desire, she should theoretically of spurts of other "wants" or interests. I *do* think the complexity of life here has made her get more in touch with her likes, dislikes, wants, and needs. I know it has for me.