I am in a similar sitch with 3 kids under 5 and married for 13 yrs. I'm in my mid 30's and got complications from delivering my 3rd child. I went thru a really rough time after DD turned 1 yrs old and needed pelvic floor physical therapy etc... I discovered my H at least had EA (if not PA) that dated back to this past yr when I was going thru hell. He announced he wanted a D in Nov. 26. Totally blindsided. Discovered his s**t in Jan 2007 and he can be so mean and hateful to me. He never gave me any answers and expect me to just go with the flow with the D. I don't know how he could leave me like that after I just had his 3rd child and now have a life long condition from the delivery. I really hate him for it.
Me: 36 WAH: 35 S1: 5, S2: 3, D: 2 Married 13 yrs Bomb dropped Nov. '06 H filed D papers Feb. 1, '07 H nows says OW is GF since April '07
If you can emotionally detach and let him be you'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel. But I do realize some people have great difficulty doing this. I do hope you can. I believe it's the best chance you have. At this point, from what you've described about mentioning "the luxury" of time off with the hysterectomy, you come across in a negative light. I'd try to avoid ANYTHING to do with her. Just focus in on yourself and your kids. Anything that has a potential to make you look jealous or "catty" should be avoided.
Rather than asking details that relate to OW, try asking him how he feels and what he thinks. Totally avoid any relationship and OW talk. And if he happens to bring it up just agree and be supportive no matter how crazy it sounds. Right now you just want to get a friendship going and let him see the positive things in you.
Iluvme--I posted to you on your thread in newcomers.
Slmom--try not to dwell on your steps backwards. We all stumble. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and march forward. Decide what you need to do to find yourself. Take the focus off him and put it on yourself. When you can truly do that, the rest will follow.
Listen to what Root and Aud are saying. It does make a world of difference, and you should follow their advice. I am at the last straw in saving my M, and my only chance of getting my W "back" is for me to detach 100%. That in itself was a wake up call. I have done all the wrong things, and for nothing. So here I am, agreeing 1000% with Root and Aud.
There is good, healthy advise in what they say!
Take care!
Last edited by sol1696; 03/03/0702:37 PM.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Well I bought DR today. I will start reading it later on tonight. I appreciate all the good advice I am getting from this web site and you all have been so kind. It is so hard learning to detach. It seems that little things remind me of memories we had together and it makes me sad. I am trying to remain positive. It is hard when you miss them sooooo much. I miss him being here to talk to and joke with. I miss being able to call him any time I wanted to. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells and yes it is worth it but seems he is the one that should be walking on egg shells. I havent talked to him today yet he usually will call to say good night to the kids or talk to them in the evening time. I will just let it go to voice mail then give them the option of calling back. I sure hope that detaching works. I just dont understand why it takes them so much longer to miss their families than to miss their OW when they are away from them. He cant even come visit the kids without her sending texts. He always calls when he gets here and when he leaves here. Such a tight leash, he has never been like that. Wont he tire of that? Doesnt that show that she is insecure? It is hard for me to understand the fog he is in and how he can just walk out on his kids not once but twice. The second time he left on Feb 5th, our 8th year old boy was crying no daddy dont leave , daddy dont go ran into the garage out to his car where he was shoving his clothes in. How do you walk away from that?
I just dont understand why it takes them so much longer to miss their families than to miss their OW when they are away from them.
OW is like an addiction. It's much harder to give up an addiction. Also, they tend to reframe the past, focus on purely negative things and see the spouse in a negative light. Because of this reframing of the past, you need to be careful of anything that puts you in a negative light. That way, when reality sets in and the addiction of OW loses some of it's momentum... he'll have more clarity and will see those positives in you he had compartmentalized away.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I spent the day today doing for me and my kids. My mother in law went to spend the day with us. It was good and I bought a new camera today so that I could take pics of the kids when we do things. Joyce Meyers is speaking in town tomorrow evening and I am hoping H doesnt bail on watching the kids. I do have alternate plans if he does. He hasnt called yet today and I know he probably will soon. I really do not wish to talk to him tonight. I will let it go to voice mail and I have considered turning off the phone. I may at least turn off the ringer until it is late enough that I know it is safe to turn it back on. My sons soccer ball is on his car and he told him he would give it to him Sunday. We shall see.
