Bizarre situation

[geordie]

I think you are being so much braver than I could ever be!! Sometimes I believe in what goes around-comes around,,soon she will leave him w/a broken heart to clean up after just like he left you!

Thanks Kim! I don't feel brave..just dealing the best I can. It's very difficult some days but others I just seem to be used to it. I guess H's night shifts helped to me feel OK about being on my own at night. I also believe in what comes around goes around....his previous OW (1PA, 1EA) both had something very bad happen to them within a few years - which was quite freaky. Co-incidence probably but still....

Anyway, a few days ago H seemed in no rush to get away from me and said "I don't know how you can ever forgive me for this"....I just said that I am reading and talking to people and it really helps - I can forgive you and forgive myself because we both made mistakes, and forgiveness is a gift I give myself". Never thought I could be so matter of fact about it but I was :o. He hugged me tight. As he left he said something about it being/will be/(can't remember which) "hard to come back mentally"....so does this mean baby steps....giant leaps? My gut instinct told me that he was trying to come back but as I analyze it more I get confused and think the opposite.

Anyway, since that convo he has been OK - haven't talked about R and he seems to be wanting to keep convos going even if they are about nothing in particular, eg. he called me on his way from OW to work and we talked about nothing for 30 mins...... I still don't see any sign of him coming back but I have to tell myself that it could be a lot of coming and going before that happens (if indeed that's what he wants).

Yesterday as he was sleeping off his night shift in our home I lay on the bed with him - on his chest - he hugged me and kissed my forehead. Last time I lay on his chest he didn't do anything. I am scared to get my hopes up....but I am noticing things. I have to control myself SO MUCH now....don't want to blow anything if he really is considering coming back. And if he is....I think I will start thinking "do I really want him..." That scares me also.