Sarah, I heard the same thing, we aren't compatible, nothing in common etc. He also thought too that there would be no consequences with D'ing, the kids would be fine, blah, blah, blah. That is just their rationalizing to get what they want, you know, trying to convinced themselves. I think to be loving without pursuit is not following them around, being a doormat. Not calling them unless it's for something really concrete. Yes I changed the way I looked at him and talked to him. I started to be kind and gentle and not interrogating as to his where abouts or why he's 15 minutes later than usual. It all gets through even if you think it isn't. But they have to see a pattern over time to believe it's real. My H told me he thought I was just doing it all out of desperation and that it wouldn't last. He told me it made him feel guilty too. I with held love and affection from him for so so long. He told me I wasn't happy either. And I wasn't with the way things were going. But, I told him that I was never out of love. But he probably didn't know that with my actions for so long. No wonder he started talking to someone else. He surely couldn't talk to his own wife. I needed to become less reactive and defensive too. I wasn't a very supportive wife either, although I never once since he became a volunteer fireman 2 years ago complained about him going on calls or the meetings or any of it. Not even when he had a call last Xmas eve. I'm so thankful I didn't have that one more thing against me. I didn't show him appreciatiation or respect. He never knew what mood I'd be in when he got home, usually a bad one. I never do that now. I'm always very happy to see him and he knows it. It's easier now because we are much better but back during the first few months I had to endure his doubts and knowing that he wanted out. You have to let that roll off your back, if you can. I know it's hard when you are dying inside too. But he finally started to see a pattern and now knows that indeed I have changed. I changed because "I" didn't like the old me. I didn't like being miserable all the time and taking it out on him. Living like this is so much better, believe me. One thing I knew I had going for me was that even though he said he was out of love (but wanted to be in love, man that hurt because I took it as just not with me) I knew he still cared about me and even loved me some. So I knew that I could rekindle it, IF he gave me the chance. He never acted like he was in a hurry to get a D over with either, so I had time on my side too. He wanted us to D and continue living together for the kids' sake. (At the same time "the kids would be fine if we D'd). Talk about mixed up, they are lost little puppies in MLC. I told him no to that request of D'ing and living together, that if he didn't want to be M to me he'd have to leave. He said, "where will I go"? I said, "that's not my problem". I hope I answered your inquiries. Lisa
