Lisa, Thanks for your answer. Initially my H did say "we're just not meant to be" (after 18 yrs), and "you didn't love me", but as I pursued and said "why, why, why", and when he and my best friend got together, I became incredibly hurt and angry. That's when the blaming thing started. H says if I would have been his "friend" from the beginning, things would have been different. Who knows? Is that so? Probably not. In addition my H does not think there are any consequences with a D. We can still be friends, have our same old friends, the kids will be fine. Of course me TELLING him this is not the case does not teach him anything. And there's that sickly kind of love too, that "I'll do anything for you" and forgetting who you are and what you want. I tried that, which is a 180 for me, but he didn't buy it. What I feel from your posts is that there is a sincerity in the love that you are showing your H. Because these H's have been with us for so long, they usually can read this. Maybe that's where my question is, I realize that one needs a certain calm (detachment?), a knowledge that what you are doing is the right path. That's when things start going smoothly and it's not all work, and changing behavior patterns and second guessing yourself. I guess I'm not really being clear here, but I think one of the dilemnas that we face is how to show the love without pursuit. That it's somehow free love, that's who we really are, that we DO love them. They really want love, we know that, but if the door is not open for it from you, is it still a working formula? Is it possible you can give me a concrete example. Was it the way you changed looking at him? Was it your tone of voice? Probably all these things. Thanks for being there for us. Sarah
