Piecing together, or not?

[BeingMe]

How can I be in this position? I feel that I either move there, or divorce. H seems unable to move back and I mean that. He is frustrated there b/c he does miss us. And he knows we are having financial problems he chose to ignore b/c when he is a partner, the streets will be made of gold...meaning, as usual, he is saying that IN the FUTURE, we'll have enough.... Today I feel my whole M has been decades of denial and delayed gratification because H never felt that we could "be" wherever we were. Had to go back to school, had to do internship, had to get the right residency, had to get thru it, had to pass the boards, blah blah blah. Now he has to make partner there. Did I mention he WAS already a partner where we lived?

Is he mentally ill or am I? wth? j-

Hi 25yearsmlc! Been following your sitch on and off. Here is my take on your H, FWIW! He seems like the type of person who is rarely happy with things as they are - somewhat dissatisfied individual. Will he ever be truly content with the present, or will he always be looking to the horizon for something new?

Instead of say, "that I either move there, or divorce", perhaps you should think about how your H views this, i.e. "they either move here, or I D". Seems to me, that he likes to get his way, one way or another. How can one base a M on one person's needs and wants, I wonder? It is your life too, and you should be able to have a say, and input into how that life should be.

I know you want to be happy, not right. But, ask yourself this ... how much are you willing to sacrifice for him, to not only deny the right, but even your own happiness. Happiness doesn't always have to include the person you love, especially if they are unhealthy to your sense of self, your wellbeing, sanity, and serenity. Selflessness is a good trait, but to abase yourself to someone who is that selfish, is perhaps foolhardy? I have asked myself these same questions over and over.

I followed my H to this new city. I asked for 3 things, and in more than a year and a half, not one of those 3 things has come even close to being honoured. I sometimes wonder to myself if I did the right thing in surrendering to his wants. I did it selflessly, wanting my D14 be close to her father. I am not unhappy here, but I miss my friends from the old city, and they were my support, emotionally speaking. And, I have no-one here that can do that for me .... not even my H. I also justified my reasons for coming here with H - wanted my M to survive, be happy not right, for my D14 (although our twins went back, and our D19 is having a tough time now), wanting H to be happy, yadda yadda. In the end, it did nothing for me, and we lost a lot. I still do not trust H, and we have additional problems that didn't occur to me before we left. I don't resent my H, because I made the choice to come here, but I am kicking myself.

Anyway, just something for you to think about. Whatever choice you make, be certain it's more for you and your family, then for someone who will do anything to get his way (much like my H). And, the more they get their way, the more they will expect you to accept whatever they dish out, in my experience.

Good luck!