Not swift enough to get my oldish post over here - was under hes_my_man in Newcomers. (Had to change my name - couldn't remember my log in info).
My title refers to the proverbial "elephant in the living room".
I feel like right now this is where we are at. Hubs is home and says he wants to be there with me more than anything but I'm having huge issues with GAL and moving along. I saw a wonderful saying today "How can you embrace life and love with two hands when you have a deathgrip on the past?".
I honestly have let go of the details the actual affair. I understand why it happen and what it truly was and other than worrying about the contact, it's really a bump in the past. I guess I'm just on the ups and downs of wanting everything right and wanting it right now. I am quickly finding out - it won't work that way.
I am sad. I am lonely. I feel like I have a man I adore and am wildly attracted too...I love him and want a future with him (here's the big butt) I feel like I'm going to have to settle now to have that.
I have a huge issue that I struggle with daily - control. Hubs tells me daily this is going to be what drives the ending wedge between us. He tries to "help" me with this by only being "selectively available" to me while he travels and only contacting me at times he says he will. To me this sounds cruel blah blah blah...but I've had several people say he's right on this one and yes, I know I NEED to get a life. But in my defense (is there one?) up until 8 months ago, this man was at my beck and call. I was never a bother and numerous calls through out the day about nothing at all was no biggie. I know that's being unrealistic...I really do, but so is expecting me to be ok with all this in one day.
We have a C appointment on Thursday. I spoke with her yesterday when I made the appointment and she basically said, I am a short term solution therapist - I will work with you guys on goals and a plan and you will need to decide if this is the way you want to go. I told her I really didn't want to spend the time rehashing the past blah blah blah, it needs to be acknowledged, but I need assurance that he's in this...Is that a wrong expectation to have??
I'm floundering. I know the fate of this can really depend on me and my attitude. I KNOW this, but dang, it's hard to put that knowledge into action.
I am scared. I am fearful and I am letting that rule my day and life. And then the what if's....(again control...do we see a pattern here??).
I know I've wandered aimlessly through my thoughts...but still any words would be welcomed.
I do love this man and I know he loves me. I guess I just want world peace and no more hunger along with that...is it really too much to ask?
