I'm not sure what is in conflict-that I felt close enough to ML to him, but not close enough to assume I would be welcomed back into the bedroom?
This is where I was talking about getting the cart before the horse. The terms of your intimacy with H were not worked out before you ML. Then you came back and mentioned sleeping in the bed after the fact. Did you assume that the terms of your R were renegotiated because of the lovemaking? It's a cheeseless tunnel for you. That's all I'm getting at. It's your responsibility to protect yourself and set your boundaries and enforce them. Coming back later and trying to insert the conditions isn't fair and it's confusing. Just MHO... you H might see it as you looking for a reason to distance after ML, rather than an issue that is important to you. If it was so important to you, why would you ML with someone who won't allow you to sleep in the bed with him?
It's really HIS boundary, not mine. I agree, and I also agree that this seems more like a punishment than a boundary. And yes, I see where you would want to respect his limits on this. Given that you know this hasnt changed, what does it mean for you in the R? And here is where your boundaries come in. Do you see your R as a partnership and a healthy place for you to be intimate (not just physically)? You say that it's the best you can do with a boundary for yourself. This is what Im getting at.. how long are you going to relax your boundaries to accomodate his? If you know that he won't budge on this, and it sounds like he's unwilling to solve this problem in the R.. what does it mean for you? Is it healthy for you to be vulnerable with your H and then face this continual rejection? If someone wants to be in a close personal R with Heather, what does that mean in terms of what they're willing to do to make it a comfortable place for you to be? If they are unwilling to create an environment of friendship, trust, compassion and understanding.. or whatever your needs are.. or at least be willing to try, is it reasonable to expect yourself to commit to being in that R?
I'm not trying to hit you with a 2X4, but hoping you'll consider the messages you're sending. Respect yourself.
I feel like I am. But you're saying it doesn't appear that I am? Well, as far as ML, and then mentioning being banished.. it seemed like you weren't respecting yourself. If you're OK with being on the couch and it's not a condition for you to feel comfortable ML, then you haven't settled. If it isnt comfortable for you, then no, I don't think you respected yourself. You allowed something to happen that in the end bothered you enough that you confronted your H with it. Please just be sure that you don't give more than is comfortable for you. It leads to expectations and possibly disappointment. It's better to be clear about your boundaries and needs before you get back in too far. You've made amazing progress with sorting things out and trusting yourself. You H says he wants his family, and that's great. Maybe the next step is waiting to see what he brings to the table. J always wanted our family.. but the hurt and disappointment came when he wasn't willing to follow through with action. If your H sees your future R much the same as the past.. ugh. If however, he steps up and is willing to create a partnership where your voice is heard, then wonderful. It just seems that he isn't willing to accept that you get to be half of the R. It's like he wants you to conform, and when you don't, he punishes and blames you for everything.
OK, one last thing and I'll get off my soapbox.. you don't have to cut yourself open again. No one gets to decide what you risk in your R but you. If it's not healthy for you to do that, then just don't until you feel it's safe to do that. If you feel strong enough to get out on the limb again and think you need to, then go for it! I'd say.. if exposing your thoughts and feelings is going to just give your H ammunition to hurt and punish you further, then maybe you wanna hold off on that. I guess you have to weigh the benefits of it. He opened this line of communication.. allow him to take some responsibility to continuing it. I was very guarded with my feelings when J first moved home. The trust wasnt there. He mentioned it and I admitted to him that it was a trust issue on my part... that I was committed to rebuilding the R, but needed time to trust him being in my space again. We needed friendship. So basically, we had to prove friendship to each other before sharing our emotions. We had a physical R, but honestly, it was just sex. Over time, as we treated each other with respect and caring, we opened up and started to talk and rebuild. And I wanted to share something that J has stated over and over.. we're on the same team. It's helped to realize that and to say it. We've both had to risk and be vulnerable at time... but we did that with the assurance that our first goal is to be a partnership and work for, not against each other. Forgiveness is key to this.
