Afterall....This IS my Life III

[fearless]

Cobra,

Thanks for the response.

I did not mean that Heather hasn't tried her best and certainly did not mean that she should have any feeling of guilt over her work the past 2 years. It was actually you that I was trying to "head off" with that statement lest you think that I was trying to tell Heather that she had done all she could and was "let off the hook" of trying again to work on her marriage.

My post was also meant to be thought provoking and not to be an absolute statement or judgment of Heather or her H.

I have no idea how you could possibly get this impression. Heather's old posts are filled with conditional commitments, and what her H "should" do.

Actually I think her posts were filled with what she wanted her H to do in the marriage which is exactly what he has written in his e-mail. What is wrong with knowing what you want and articulating it? And the fact that I get the impression Heather is committed is because of the work she has done on her self and the fact that with all of her wants from her H she was still staying IN the marriage and working like crazy to fix things. Your opinion that she was not committed is no more or less right than my opinion that she was committed. That's the beauty of this forum that we can see how many different views there can be of the same action.

Over apologizing

Because you are not prone to this, it is a difficult thing to explain and even more difficult to understand. I don't completely disagree with what you wrote but I don't think you understand the dynamic and how damaging it is to a relationship.

Over apologizing is by definition not a "true" apology. How can Heather really apologize for buying a coat her H did not like? She has no need to apologize for it therefore her "apology" is not sincere nor should it be.

Plus I did not diagnose Heather as an over apologizer, I just suggested it may be there. her dynamic with her H suggest it at the least.

The last point is again that both sides' intents are important even if they are not interpreted that way. If Heather does feel like she apologizes and has apologized consistently that is important even if you feel like her apologies are inadequate. That may be your interpretation based on your marriage. You may be looking for more apologies from your W. You may see your wife as controlling because she will not apologize or accept blame.

While I appreciated and was pleased with his communication, I am in the minority in that I did not see it as him making any statement about the marriage other than communicating his wants and feelings.
Fearless, this is a very dangerous point for you. You are judging the value of his statement based on YOUR values and practices. A man does not think like a woman. DO NOT read into a man's statements like you would a woman. I think Heather's H laid it on the line and restated the commitment he always had to the marriage, but never showed.

This was not a statement or judgment of the e-mail from Heather's H but was an opinion of mine. I said clearly that "I did not see it as a statement from him"; I did not say that "the e-mail was not statement of commitment". There is a difference. Are you saying that it is not useful for men to see how a woman might interpret their words? Again, I think you may be projecting your feelings into Heather's H's e-mail which is normal and okay; it just doesn't make you right anymore than I am right. We just have opinions based upon our own backgrounds and situations.

I would like to understand what it was in your opinion that her H wrote that stated his commitment to the marriage. As a woman I read his complaints and his issues with the marriage and what he wants from Heather. Again that does not diminish the value of his e-mail in my eyes. I just do not read it for more than what I can see - a great start to more open communication and a chance for Heather to look at his point of view and determine how they can communicate better.

Your last paragraph was interesting to me because it clearly states that your wife has a control issue. Is it possible that you project her control issue onto other women? It does happen the other way around also. I think you sometimes see Heather's stands against her H as the same controlling behavior as your W however it may be that she is just swinging too far on the pendulum from taking too much cr%^& from her H to being defiant. While I would agree that she can probably swing too far, I would still argue that she still needed to move from where she was in the relationship. So for her marriage this behavior is actually a step in the right direction while in your marriage this behavior is just more of the same damaging behavior from your W.


As far as splitting finances, I don't think there is only one right way. I'm just curious about other ways. Karen's explanation made sense to me also. What I haven't heard yet is about the fact of determining who gets to spend what depending on how much money they bring into the marriage. I still do not see how that is a healthy situation.