So you're saying that your W's lack of understanding about the way men/boys good-naturedly tease/challenge each other leads to her 1) having contempt for the whole male gender because they are so dumb and have to express their tender emotions in this lame way;
Yes, but this contempt is based on her perception, one that I believe is shaped a lot from feminist teaching that men should get in touch with their femininity in order to be true to themselves. Male teasing seems to my wife to be based on denial of emotions, and is therefore a sign of underlying insecurity and dishonesty toward self.
2) causes her to put up walls just in case they might try some of this stuff with her?
My impression is that she takes it one step further, from “might try” to “will try.” “Might try” means she must leave the door open enough to judge the male actions against her expectations, creating potential for disappointment. “Will try” means she assumes the worst, does not need to open herself to disappointment since it is assume to follow, and can therefore close the door entirely.
[Blackfoot, I suspect this is a lot of what you have been trying to rationalize lately. After I broke up with my college girlfriend (which ripped my heart out like you have just endured), I also went through a similar justification of my attitudes toward women.
I recommend you re-think this because it is only a defense. You cannot get around your need for love. You might get hurt again, but the fact that you have learned so much has made this a small probability, IMO. The more you build your rationalization, the more you increase your chances of getting hurt again. You cannot escape the fact that true happiness requires opening yourself up strictly on the basis of faith. FWIW.]
Re your example about the hypothetical partner, it seems to me that *I* might very well put up walls were I with such a partner, because he was expressing disgust about his interactions with females in his past.
How could you not take it this way?
That's a far cry from a guy who conducted his teasing mostly with other guys, whether brothers, Little League teammates, fishing buddies, etc.
Not necessarily. That disgusting guy also can engage in the same harmless teasing with other males. The other males will hear his disgusting comments too, but admire him for his strength and bravery in speaking openly about topics all men may have, but do not feel safe in expressing. But if that disgusting guys tries to pull the same type of comments on the other men, he will immediately be called out on it.
Why do you think feminists have such a sisterly bond? They look for an activist with the guts to stand up for the “cause,” against the males chauvinists. She becomes the leader, but many of the “followers” do not want to fill her shoes and take her heat. They just want to feel secure under her protection. Until it goes too far. Men can be the same.
I don't see much similarity between the hypothetical partner's expression of contempt for the past females who were unlucky enough to be the receptacle of his lust and the guy who indulges in regular guy teasing/challenging/mild name-calling/shoulder punching, etc.
Not to you, since you differentiate contemptuous remarks from the empathic remarks. To me, the disgusting guy is just a little more extreme mix of what is inside most men. So I see him as one and the same, just a little out in left field.
Are you saying that your wife would respond to these two different categories of behavior by putting up shields of the same thickness? (IOW that both extremes are just different-- but not really different-- examples of male dumbness and emotional ineptitude?)
No, I am saying that she HAS responded like that. Now if you were to ask her, she would deny ever doing that. And she has become much more balance over the past few years as we had grown. But she still has a lot of this in her. I try not to blame her for it. I know it is a consequence of her FOO, but I don’t have to put up with it either.
