Hi, my name is mrs.cac4 and I'm a control freak. I need to be in control of everything in my life, all the time. I need to control my H. I need to control my S3. I need to control the money. I need to control what we have for dinner. I need to control where the dishes go in the dishwasher. Everything must be done according to my specifications.
Problem is, no one quite measures up to my specifications, not even me, especially not me.
I entered my R wanting to control everything. I felt in control because I had a FT job and H was still a student with a PT job. I was older than him. I handled the money. I chose where we lived. I criticized him. I yelled at him. I was never satisfied. I behaved like a controlling parent instead of a partner. And sadly, he allowed me to treat him that way. I am so sorry I treated him badly.
He defended himself in the only way he knew how -- through passive-aggressive behavior. This was how he learned to survive as a kid. But the more passive-aggressive his behavior, the more I pushed, yelled, controlled and criticized.
I didn't behave like this all the time (I don't think). Or maybe I did, but don't realize it. I hated living with my parents' constant fighting and vowed that my R/M wouldn't be this way. I tried to pick my battles, but I really picked the wrong ones, and more specifically, the truly unimportant ones.
Typically I would go about my business controlling everything, but "letting things go" to keep the peace, or so I thought. I'm talking about something left on the counter, a sock on the floor, something not put away. The "small stuff." After a time of letting things go, I'd reach my limit and blow my top. H would have no idea why I was so upset because typically the trigger would be something very insignificant and unrelated.
I suspect that on an unconscious level, being LD may have been a way to control my SL too. I want to stress that this was in no way a conscious decision. For me to lose control of anything was terribly frightening. I was running on raw emotion and fear. I was completely clueless about how much I was hurting my H, and for that I am so sorry.
I also think my LDness had a passive-aggressive component as well. [I just googled passive-aggressive behavior, and it is frightening to see how many of the characteristics fit me.] I'm sure there were plenty of other things I did that were passive-aggressive in nature.
What I have learned from this bit of soul-searching is that I wasn't able to ask for what I wanted, if I even really knew what that was. I was afraid to ask. I was afraid. If I let myself show/feel any vulnerability, I was weak and not in control. It also meant I could get hurt, and I sure knew what that felt like. I felt on some level that I didn't really deserve to get what I needed. What I truly needed was love, only I didn't know it. I didn't think I was lovable. And that is the core fear of most every human being.
