I am not sure how many of you will agree with what I did last night but after some thinking, I did it anyway.....
I have been becoming impatient with H's words not matching his actions. I am tired of waiting on him to make up his mind. If he didn't want anything to do with me, then why would he be calling me several times a day. But he still can't tell me what is going on with us or how he feels. He called me yesterday and she was there. All he could talk about was the kids because she probably would have gone off on one of her psycho fits. Then he called me on his way to work. Nothing really to talk about. I just told him "You know that we are going to need to talk soon." "I know" was his response. I got off of the phone quickly as I didn't want to get emotional with him knowing about it.
I have been doing alot of thinking. He has told me that he wants to move out of her place and on his own. He thinks that if we have any chance then he has to do it. He told me this 3 or 4 weeks ago. Has it happened yet??? Nope. And she probably knows nothing of his intentions. He is still living there with her while she thinks everything is hunky dory.
I talked to him the other morning and I was mad. I told him that things were the same, him still living there, her telling him that she loves him and him saying it back. He told me that it isn't the same and he isn't saying ILY to her. So why the heck can't he just make up his freaking mind!
So back to last night..He called me back on one of his breaks. He was talking to me as if nothing in the world was wrong. I asked him when we could talk about things because I don't know how long I can wait around for him to make up his mind. He got pissy and said "I don't know." So I replied "Fine. I am going to get off here because you can't answer a simple question without getting pissed." Once I said that, he started kissing my butt and told me that he wasn't angry and that he was sorry if it came across that way. Here is my response to that:
Me: H, I don't know that I can do this much longer. I don't know that I can wait around for you to decide if you love me or not. I need affection too. I want someone that can touch me without having to think about it first. I want to be with someone that has no doubt in his mind that he loves me. If you can't give this to me, then I will find someone that can.
His response to all of this was "I know" in a very sympathetic voice.
At that point, I told him that I was going to get off of the phone and that I would talk to him later.
I don't know if I have done the right thing but I really am tired of waiting on him to decide what he wants. I can't count on him to keep his word about anything. His friends still come first but I haven't said anything about that. (something that I have done alot of work on...control) I have needs to. I want to be with someone that has no doubts about how he feels about me. If my H can't be that person, then I can and will find the man that will do it.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
I want someone that can touch me without having to think about it first. I want to be with someone that has no doubt in his mind that he loves me. If you can't give this to me, then I will find someone that can.
must be a freaking epidemic feeling this weekend
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
I know. I have had enough of this waiting game. I told him today that I am no longer going to tell him ILY. He came over the other night and was in tears. He wants to come home but feels ashamed of what he has done. I stayed calm and without emotions. I just can't do it anymore. I have gotten myself to a place that I am happy with. I told him that and I also told him that if he is going to come home, then come home. If he was going to walk, then walk. He says that there are times that I have told him ILY and he has wanted to say them back. I asked him what the problem was then. I just don't think he wants to end things with her. I told him that there was no way that he was going to come home still having feelings with her.
So lets see how he takes our convo. He has to work for the next few nights so i think the convo will continue on Wednesday night. We shall see....i am thinking about doing something that night....can't say what but we shall see how things go.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Well, the waiting game is over and has come down to D. I will update more this weekend but wanted to get my thread back on page one.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Well, here goes the update. I was about to post this long story of H deciding that he wants a D because he just can't forgive himself. I had taken my rings off and was in Las Vegas doing some flirting last week and getting somewhere too....got a nice massage out of all of it...but anyways
While I was in Las Vegas, for work, H and I had talked throughout the week. I told him that when I got back that I was going to find a lawyer and file. He kept acting like it wasn't what he wanted but yet was telling me that he thought it was best. I get a call Thursday night while I was at the airport about to head home. It was H and he was talking casually to me while driving back from his lunch break (he works nights). This is a little of what was said..... Me: Hi H: What are you doing? Me: I am at the airport. H: Oh, I will let you go if you are busy Me: No, we are just heading over to our gate. What's up? H: Nothing..... Me: Are you on a break? H: Yeah...(long pause)I am heading back from my lunch break Me: Oh. What's wrong? H: I left. Me: Left what? H: Left OW Me: Oh my gosh, what happened? H: She came home drunk again, pretty sloshed, and I decided that I had enough. I told her that she needed to get some help because obviously you don't want mine. Me: Wow... (at this point he was pretty upset) H: I went and packed up my stuff and kept telling myself to keep packing and not to talk to her. This is the right thing to do. Me: Ok H: I am just scared because I don't have anywhere to go Me: Let me call mom and have her unlock the door. Go upstairs and lay down. H: Ok.....I don't know if I am going to stay at work. Me: Ok, I will call mom and call you back H: Ok
So the call pretty much ended there. He called me a few more times while I was waiting on my flight, which ended up getting cancelled and stranding me in Las Vegas for an extra 1 1/2 days. (Normally I would be excited but when I have a marital reconciliation on the verge, i really wanted to get home.) He called me to let me know that she kept calling and beggin him to come home. He kept telling her no. So for the next day or so while I was stuck in Las Vegas, he would call me and I would comfort him and let him know that he did the right thing. It really hit him that I was going to have a future with or without him when I told him that I had been offered drinks from some guys at the Hard Rock Cafe.
So, H is now home and we are working on things. I asked him the other night what he wanted. He said that he wanted us to start fresh like we have been for the past few days. That we can't go back to where our M was before the A began because it was not good. I agreed with him. He also said that it is going to take some time to get used to the changes that we have made in ourselves.
We went to the movies Saturday night after he picked me up at the airport. We saw "Reign Over Me" very good by the way. A the end, the character calls his wife and tells her that he does know why he is shutting her out but he is. He said that he won't do it anymore and that he loves her. Very ironic. This is what H did to me, shut me out. I looked over and H said "WOW" and was crying. When we left, he said that the last phone call on the movie really hit hard.
This is just hard because I just want to hug him and be with him but I know that I need to let him make the first move.
So, i will probably be moving to piecing soon. Just trying to take one day at a time. If anyone has some great knowledge to share, please do so!
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
Thanks guys! I know that this is going to be the hardest battle but I am up for the challenge.
"Be patient to persevere and wait for God to heal. Keep in mind that you are both imperfect people. Look to God as the source of all you want to see in your marriage and don't worry how it will happen...Leave it in His hands."
