Consider it batting practice for when I decide to jump into the pit and fight with her over this issue.
However, you do have a point. It would probably be easier on myself to just shrug it off and say, "Yep, that's me."
Thats exactly what I was thinking. A good defense is imperitive. the best defense though is a good offense. Thats why I am such an offensive driver. not everyone can play defense.
prickly defensiveness loses. Its a button. It reactive. Its offstep, unprepared, and not proactive. Its not assured and happy with what you are.
Some men are selfish in bed not all men are willing to do what the wife wants to give her pleasure. In cases like that the woman will become avoidant and the man more likely to look elsewhere. It's o.k. saying to the W tell him what you'd like him to do first but some men take offence IE. you're critisising them and they take it as a personal insult. Most men assume they are terrific lovers NOT always the case just because they are HD doesn't mean they are good in bed. Some men haven't a clue about long foreplay being necessary or that what turns on one woman might turn another off. A good lover will ask and not assume what worked before will work with a new partner.
Sex without foreplay can be painful for the W and this will result in her avoiding sex. O.K. the guys here sound as if they are asking the right questions and getting nowhere but were they selfish in the past. Please spare me no one complained before the W or P . It sounds as if yes NewJourney had some hang ups about sex but her H sounds like he wasn't big on asking her what she would enjoy before he looked elsewhere!
Except, blackfoot, if I were to say some "typical woman" cliche, I'd be branded a sexist pig, male chauvinist, narrow minded, etc.
Don't buy into this BS. It is just another deflection women use to attack men because they have not come to terms with their own femininity. It is nothing more than projection. I still think Corri is acting as a great role model for showing us the true contradictions in this feminist way of thinking.
Hairdog, The major difference I see here between you and Mr. PS ( and Mr. NJ as well) is that you, my friend, have tried every which way to address the sex issue in your marriage. There have been letters you've written, books you've given her, your iniatiation of MC, relationship talks ad nauseum, etc. My bet is Mr. PS did very little of this; he most likely stayed fairly silent, simmering with resentment while pretending everything was fine. And then found his solution: an affair.
Thank you NJ. Unless peaceful is totally yanking our chain about not knowing how important this was to her H, I agree that he didn't do a very good job of communicating his "wants" to her.
Isn't that the point we are making? That BOTH men and women contribute EQUALLY to the disintegration of the R. BOTH are avoiding intimacy and the fear of becoming vulnerable. BOTH need to understand the other's needs and LL.
If the man takes offense toward expressing his needs to his woman, then he has some issues to work on. If the man is not a good lover, then he has more work to do. Yes, a good lover will ask. A good receiver will tell. There is no avoiding responsibility on both sides.
MLCers who are visiting: I don't read the other boards, so I don't know what the tone is of the MLC board. However, from NJ's and cobra's comments I gather that group is very supportive, and that's great.
What is unique about this board-- and I don't just mean out of all of the boards on Michele's site, but of all the internet board I read (and there are a few)-- is that the discussion here is deep, probing, articulate, and backed up with reading/research in a way that I have never encountered anywhere on the internet or even IRL.
So maybe we don't hand out the warm fuzzies as much as we could/should, but we have read the articles/books, will listen (read) carefully to your story, and jump in with suggestions and analysis.
Cobra, you are a very smart guy, but sometimes your brilliant message is lost because of the language you use. I'm getting used to your "no nonsense" style and even getting to like it, but if you care whether you are understood by others who weren't married to you in a past life, consider how you phrase things. You may not care, and that's fine. Just an observation.
Shmagic, I have encountered men who do not want to know what pleases me in bed. When I have told them they ignore the suggestions or act like they know better than I what "should" please me. In my experience even a gentle nudge of the hand can be perceived by a man who is feeling vulnerable as a criticism. It's pretty aggravating for a woman, especially if you're really "getting into it" to make a suggestion either with a word or two or with a physical shift and have him react with huffing and pouting. And yes it does happen. I'm sure none of the men on this board have ever reacted that way... but it does happen. You WOULD think that a person WANTS to learn what turns their partner on. I remember asking my current bf for something pretty ordinary and having him react (and even at the time I KNEW it was out of his own insecutiry), "WELL! WHERE did you learn THAT?!?" Needless to say, that broke my concentration. (BTW, the best answer to that question is not: "from another partner," but "I saw it in a movie/read it in a book." Is that permissible dishonesty?)
WELL! WHERE did you learn THAT?!?" Needless to say, that broke my concentration. (BTW, the best answer to that question is not: "from another partner," but "I saw it in a movie/read it in a book." Is that permissible dishonesty?)
yeah, he is going to imagine what he wants to anyways. Of course you could say 'you know I was married before. ;)' or, 'Im insatiably horny and MB ALOT and figured some things out.'
HD, I apologize if I offended you. I am just posting very honestly about my situation. I am not saying that my perceptions or view are correct. That's why I'm here. I want to do my research and understand what I can do to play MY part in the M. My H is the only person I've been with, so I really don't know what is typical adn what is not. I was quite unexperienced when I came into this M -- and apparently, I still am.
NJ nailed. My H has never expressed how strongly he felt about this issue, and i truely didn't understand. He did keep it bottled up until he found another outlet... the A. And only then was I told what was wrong in teh M. And the sex was only one issue. He had PLENTY as well. It takes two. It was only this week that I fully understood how imortant this was to him, which is why I ventured over to this board. I feel hopeful that he has finallly opened up to me about something... and it's something that I can actually take action on.
I am very open to recognizing my role and doing the work to resolve my issues. That is why I'm here. I'm looking for support, help and guidance on this issue. I don't intend to attack or cast generalizations.
That said, I appreciate so many of you weighing in on my sitch. I have read and re-read your posts and I am internalizing it all to understand more about this issue. So, thank you all for that.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
