Thanks. I can only wish I saved myself or was a hero.
I was feeling good for a few days but on cue W sent a few emails that pushed my buttons.
Am I detached? LOL.
W was boasting on looking for a house and some other ‘exciting’ things she is up to. She even signed my son up for baseball without coordinating it with me first. Of course all those exciting things do not include me; kicked to the side of the road with the rest of the road kill.
But I feel a bit better today since this is my first long weekend with my kids. I had not kept them in some time b/c of my mom. But now that mom is getting better finally I got to see the kids this weekend. They seemed to miss me; if only they would quit saying ‘hey mom’ before they ask me a question. I gave D6 her B’Day gift and we ate cake (W had D6 on her B’day last week, so I missed that family event). Tonight is pizza and a movie.
But overall I have been down again. My mom drained me. She has been very negative throughout her ordeal and while I realize that she had no one else to share those feelings with, it got me down. I can only imagine the very real fear of death when you are 89. But I got it each and every day and I really cannot take it any longer. When mom moved to rehab a few of the nurses from the main hospital made a special effort to come visit her – hugged her real big, called her the model patient. They saw only the sweet side; I saw nothing but the other side.
Same with W; hearing that you are nothing but worthless crud and a controlling, manipulative jerk that deserves nothing but her hate has also taken its toll. I really cannot take it any longer either. I so wish I never have to see her or talk to her again. Why did she not call me those things early on with the objective of trying to fix us? No, she quit – then kick the guy while she is going out the door.
My 12 year wedding anniversary was last week as well. No acknowledgement of the day. I have known W for almost 1/3 of my life – and no acknowledgement.
So, life could be better. I have been so drained that I do little in my free time except hang around my apartment. GAL is on hold, replaced by self medication with alcohol and too much good food (at least I still cook). I need to break out of that rut. I am depressed to a point I avoid social situations; another rut to get out of.
I just want this to be over – for the pain to go away. I am through ‘standing’; I am not strong enough any longer. I just want to run and keep going.
