I think I belong here.

[peaceful_spirit]

Cobra,
I was surprised to read your opinion of the type of support on the MLC board. It is not like that at all. Most of the advice is not geared towards blame or confrontation. Most of the advice is geared toward being supportive of the MLCer in his/her depression, while also having healthy boundaries in place. IMO, the primary focus is working on yourself and finding happiness in your own skin while the MLCer works thorugh his/her own issues and/or continues his/her destructive behavior.

Blackfoot,
YOu pose a lot of direct, yet good questions.

H was my first, at the age of 19. I was brought up Catholic, so I had a lot of guilt around having sex before M. I also perceived sex as wrong. I know now, that it is not wrong, but rather a part of a healthy R. So, I think I carried a lot of that with me for years. I didn't want to do anything different becuase again, I felt it was wrong. Crazy, right?

As for flowers and such, it's more about feeling a general appreciation from H. If I feel in general that i'm not appreciated, then i feel used when we have sex. And flowers or cards are one way that shows me he cares. But, does getting flowers make me want to have sex? No. It just helps me with not wanting to have sex.

Since h and I spoke the other day, I have given thought to what I want/need. And for the most part, it's a little bit of loving affection prior to the sex. I jsut can't stand the pounce. Lying in bed and all of the sudden, he's all over me and wants sex then and there. It takes more than that to arouse a woman. So, I have given that some good thought and plan to tell H what I would like/need.

I also want to clarify what I meant about our sex life improving after the A. It was after H came back from having moved out and had the A that he told me sex was an issue (but I didn't realize until this week just how BIG of an issue it was). So, I made a conscious effort to make improvements. DId I feel loved during this period? Yes, is many cases. H made certain efforts to buy flowers and cards, etc... Plus, I just make the conscious effort to have sex more often and with a little more excitement. But with H's erratic behavior, resentement built and I had more anger and wanted him to just go away when he approached me. Sorry, just being honest.

Sex used to be enjoyable to me only sometimes. But most of the time, I just wanted to get it over with. But part of that was me not knowing what makes me tick and also that feeling of it being "wrong" becuase I wasn't married. I am just now starting to explore more of that within myself. I do want an fulfilling sex life. I do enjoy it much more often than before.

Yes, I need to tell him more about what I want. He asked me to do so. But I also had this feeling like he just wanted it too much and that he was some sort of sex crazed lunatic. It is helpful for me to understand that this is just a typical man, not a sex crazed lunatic.

Blackfoot, I appreciate you asking those probing questions. It really made me stop and think.