This is a new thread for me and the first since the new layout. I have no idea where to find my old thread,I'll search later.
It's been a couple of months since I've written. I'm still in limbo. But I'm switching from Infidelity forum to MLC with hopes of getting more info on the Quarter Life Crisis (QLC).
My H is 10 years younger than me, in his late 20's. We were married when he was 22. He was described - then - as a "wise beyond his years" or "very mature for his age" type of guy. He is from another country/culture and was raised in a fairly stable home (not that that guarantees anything!). He was always pretty straight-laced, never got into any trouble, he's smart, had a small core group of friends (although he was teased in middle school and part of high school for being quiet and never fought back), grew out of geeky years into a really great looking guy, but shy, didn't drink excessively, no drugs, had interests, into music, poetry, reading, some sports. He was/is very close to his mom and has had a sort of strained relationship with his dad. Although he seems to put both parents on a pedestal and won't ever speak ill of them, he clearly has problems relating to his dad. His dad was a strict, perfectionist and my guess is that H never could live up FIL's standards. H is more like MIL, sensitive and creative.
All that said, H's bomb (10/05) hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew we were having some problems communicating and resolving matters, but I never expected him to find Ow and tell me that he wasn't happy with me! It came out of nowhere IMO. I had always believed that we would always be able to talk things through, that we loved each other and honored our commitment. Not so for him I guess!
Everyone who knows him/us were shocked too. We still are 1.5 yrs later. But he's gone from being this kind, warm-hearted, gentle person into this dark, angy, depressed, selfish bastard. The only time I recognize him is at times when I see him playing with our S4. Even then he's not "himself" but it's the closest he gets.
He claims he's only depressed around me because he thinks I'm judging him. He's "happier" w/ Ow and happy around S4 when I'm not there.
Interestingly, the other night we had a 20 min R convo which was the 1st in months. He told me all that stuff about being happier w/ Ow because he can "be himself" and then turned around, sort of choking up, and said "I wish you wanted to get to know me". So bizarre. He continues to blame me for the failure of our M and for his unhappiness. He says he just couldn't be himself with me.
Funny! I thought he was being himself all along. We seemed to really love each other. I say "seemed" because now it all feels like a big lie. It's like he was always trying to live up to someone else's standard of who he should be - his dad's standard and then what he assumed was my standard. All I wanted was honesty and authenticity. Instead I got secrets and lies at the end.
1.5 yrs later and we are still separated but no one has filed anything (except my bankruptcy!). H is w/ Ow and claims they will get married someday and has been including her on visits w/ S4 for months now - against my will. I told him I don't approve of his decision to do that but that my #1 priority is my S4 and it's important that he doesn't feel put in the middle. So, I refer to Ow by name with S4 and avoid any negative remarks about her.
I still love my H and miss our M, but he is not the same person I married. I can barely stand talking to him now. He's selfish, self-centered, unreasonable, angry and belligerent. He's playing the victim. He's having a great time living out his adolescence now - hanging out with the Goth scene and denying his responsibilities. He's not giving me enough child support. He's down to 1.5 days w/ S4 per week. When I ask about money he just replies "I'll give you what I can give you".
My bankruptcy should be discharged by the end of March. Once that is done I will start with filing for legal separation with the option of divorce after the 6 months. I don't know how I'll survive it, but I will.
One thing I've learned from this is that I am a survivor. I never wanted to be a single mom and now that I am I think I'm actually a better mom. I was always too worried about how my S would react to things and now I know he's a survivor too. Not only that, he's a happy boy with the ability to express when he's sad. I have no idea how I will ever be able to trust a man again, because if there were ever a man to trust it was my H (and we know how that turned out), but I am determined not to let what he did destroy my ability to love and be loved. It's a slow-moving process, but I'm a whole lot farther along than I was a year ago!
I have to admit, there's this small little mustard seed of hope that somehow God will perform a miracle and bring the man I married back to me - willing to try anything to save our M and right his wrongs - but that would take a miracle!!! It just doesn't seem likely at all and so I have to live life the way things ARE, not the way that I'd like them to be.
I pray for my H. I pray for our S4. I pray for myself - to keep showing up for life and for the grace and strength to get through the pain of the loss. It's the biggest loss I've ever had, certainly the most painful, and the grieving process is completely foreign to me. How do I let go?
Well, I've gone on way too long. But like I said, it's been a while. I had a lot of catching up to do.
I would love to hear some feedback - about the QLC - or about how you might relate.
Thanks for listening!
Monica
My sitch: Me 40 H 30 M 8 yrs 1 S5.5 Bomb Oct 2005 Sep Nov 2005 H w/ Ow I filed for LS June 2007 H responded w/ D 2007 I have sole P custody, joint L Just need to take care of Final Judgement papers
The resources thread at the top of this forum are good place to start.
The only thing you can do is to detach and GAL. While your h is with ow then no r talks. Just keep your life moving forward. There is nothing you can do for him. He is depressed and he needs to seek help for himself.
I am sorry you are here but it is a great place for support
I've been wondering about you. Have you read the resources, as per Mermaid's suggestion? That should give you an idea of whether or not your H is in QLC. It sounds to me like he could be b/c of the whole goth thing and hanging out with much younger people.
I'm sorry to hear about the bankruptcy, but I guess it was necessary. It sounds like your son is doing well, and you sound better too.
I hope to hear more from you.
Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
You are right. God can create miracles. He does know what is best for you, but we have to rely on Him and trust Him, no matter what our future brings. I'll keep praying for you.
Last edited by Stilltryin_____I_MADE_IT__; 02/27/0707:46 PM.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Thank you all for checking in on me and for your support. Thanks for my old thread ST_IMI
H is out of country (his home) right now for a family funeral. He's been sad and seems to have wanted some sort of support from me. I'm not sure, but I think because I am the only one here in the US that knows his family and maybe he's missing that connection. Or, maybe he just wants sympathy from wherever he can get it.
I am slowly moving forward, inch by inch. I finally spent the money on a professional hair-cut, color, etc. It had been a long time and my self-esteem was suffering. I'm feeling pretty happy with myself (inside and out), but still grieving my marriage. I wonder how long it will take for me to truly let go.
I miss H, but when I fantasize about the possibility of him coming back I just can't imagine how we'd ever be able to start over and heal from all the pain and betrayal that has happened over the past 18 mos. Again, it would truly take a miracle for that to happen. But so far, I still would be open to that possibility. Is that crazy? He has done so many hurtful things.
Well, whatever happens in the end, I just pray I can be open someday to love again. I still can't imagine being with anyone else.
This weekend I will be with my S4.5 both days. I think it will be good for both of us to have that time. I sure do miss our "family days" w/ H though. It's tough when I see couples out w/ their kids. I'm happy for them, but it reminds me of when H and I used to take our S everywhere and do things as a family.
I wonder how H's trip to his parent's house will effect him. He hasn't seen them since all this happened. I wonder how his father will treat him. I wonder if his family will support his decision to leave me (can't imagine why they would) or if they will question him. It will be interesting to see what happens.
My job is very busy and I'm usually pretty exhausted at night these days, but I'll try to stay in touch.
My sitch: Me 40 H 30 M 8 yrs 1 S5.5 Bomb Oct 2005 Sep Nov 2005 H w/ Ow I filed for LS June 2007 H responded w/ D 2007 I have sole P custody, joint L Just need to take care of Final Judgement papers
ya. it is very tough thinking about the past. I still do it sometimes in church...I'll see fathers with their families and think "oh, how I wished H would want to be with us". But I am grateful to have him back in our lives. I really hope that God's plan for you is to wake your H up and he will come back, but even if that isn't in his plan, I know there is someone out there for you who will be the H you truely need.
It is so hard letting go. Maybe H's trip will shed some light on him and give him some new perspectives. Hopefully his parents won't bash on him of how bad his choices he's making are...cause I think that would just turn him away from you further. I do hope that they ask open questions to get him thinking, and not to be judgemental.
God bless Crissy
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Thank you again for checking in on me, it feels good to know there are people like you out there ready to offer support, and hope.
H came back from his trip on Monday and came on Wednesday to see S4. I'm sure he had to see Ow first. In fact, I have been a little suspicious of whether he went back home or not. The main reason is that he said he was bringing S4 some toys from his grandma, but only brought over obviously locally bought items. I emailed his mom w/ some pic's of S4 and brought up the fact that it must have been nice to see H. She responded but didn't mention H at all. I don't know, maybe something was lost in translation.
Anyway, I haven't seen any change in him since he returned. One odd thing was his response when I asked if his family was doing alright - he said, "it would seem so, but it would require more investigation". So weird! He's always so cryptic.
Anyway, S4 has been sick the past 2 days and I've been at home with him. I'm exhausted, but proud of myself for being a good mom.
A guy I know who brings his kids to the same park I go to w/ S4 and whom I worked with years ago - asked me if I'd like to go for coffee sometime. He is going through marital problems as well and I guess we have that in common. We both understand -we're friends only. It would be nice to have a little male perspective and companionship. Nothing more.
My heart is still w/ H in many ways, it's hard to just close that door. He was my "one true love" (ha!) and the father of my child. I can hardly imagine being with anyone else, but I've got to be open to meeting people.
As you can see, I don't post as often. But it's still wonderful to receive feedback, I really appreciate it.
I'm exhausted now...I'll write again soon.
Monica
My sitch: Me 40 H 30 M 8 yrs 1 S5.5 Bomb Oct 2005 Sep Nov 2005 H w/ Ow I filed for LS June 2007 H responded w/ D 2007 I have sole P custody, joint L Just need to take care of Final Judgement papers
My kids have been sick as well. Both with chicken pox, and one with a flu lasting 1-2 weeks, the vomiting kind. Not fun at all.
On meeting this "friend". I think it's okay. maybe you could help him reconcile and give him advice from what you have learned here. I definitely would be cautious because you both are very vulnerable and anything can happen under all this stress and confusion. So the wise thing to do would NOT let anything beyond friendship happen, just as you said, "nothing more".
Sorry I haven't written back myself. I know how nice it is when you get a response.
Hope you had a nice Easter
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
