Thanks, Just Me. I really appreciate your insights. It helps so much to get some feedback from the outside looking in on this crap...
I do realize that I didn't cause this A to happen. It was definitely his choice, and it was the easy way out. However, I also realize that I played a huge role in his being unhappy enough to even go to that place, and for that, I must take responsibility. I've learned from Michele that it's important to figure out why these things happen and to learn from them; otherwise, it will just go back to the way it was before. To that end, I know my lack of sex drive and intimacy with H was heartbreaking for him - more so than I ever imagined until now. Yes, he made this very poor decision. And, while he has apologize for "hurting me," he's also told me that he doesn't feel guilty for it, and he's also been unable so far to say that he's just plain sorry for this decision he made. He feels horrible that I'm hurt, but he fails to take responsibility for his poor decision. You're right; it's almost as if he feels justified because he was apparently so incredibly unhappy with our lack of physical connection.
Yes, I do deserve better out of life. However, I want that life to be with him, and I want to make each other happy. Do I want to continue on like this forever? Absolutely not. Do I want to give this everything I can and am to make it work? Completely. If that means going through this horrible pain with an outcome of reconciliation and happiness with this man, I'm willing to keep fighting. As Michele says, only I can decide when I've had enough. I'm not even close to there yet. I am a fighter, and H is, too. That's part of what makes this so hard. He's willing to fight for everything in his life, but he seems to have given up on us. And it feels like our "problems" would be fixable given the opportunity... The problem right now, as you said, is that he has not recommmitted to our M. He said he was going to, but he didn't. Until he does, there is nothing that I can do. What I need to do now is to figure out what to do to have the best chance of him recommitting. Suggestions?
I did finally talk with him today for a short while. Of course he didn't apologize for anything, the least of which tearing my heart out when I came home to find him gone again... I asked him where he's been staying. He said he had just been "driving around." I asked him if he has been staying with OW, and he promised me not, but he's promised before, so that meant nothing. I'm fairly confident that he is staying with her again and just doesn't want to hurt me.
He said he was sorting through his feelings and thinking about the last couple of weeks we were together and the last 3 months we've been apart and the last 2 years before that... He said he kept thinking about that the most important thing he wants is for both of us to be happy and that he knows I need for him to be a better communicator about our R and that he just has such a hard time doing that. I explained to him that the issues we are having I think can be fixed if we are just willing to do it. I told him that I think we tried to push things too fast when he came home and that it would probably be best if we stepped back, didn't sleep in the same bed, just worked on being friends and reconnecting for a while, then worked towards solving these issues and that I knew he was going through turmoil of potentially leaving someone else that he has grown to really care about and that we should probably both take some down time to just heal before feeling pressured to get all of these things solved right away. I asked him what he thought about that, and I think he said that that might be better than what we did, or something to that effect. He went out with some friends tonight, which I know will be good for him. I asked him if he was coming home tonight, and he said he didn't know (which means "no"). I also asked him if we are "okay." He told me yes earlier today and then later that he didn't know... Ugh.
At this point, my gut tells me that he's checked out on our marriage. However, we have a very successful business that we've built together, and we are the only ones in it. We are fabulous business partners. He has expressed an interest in not being romantically involved anymore but staying business partners. To be honest, that makes me want to throw up. While I honestly want him to be happy, it makes my gut hurt to think about giving my all to help him be successful and then have him share that success with someone else, potentially someone else who contributed to breaking up our R. How could he ever expect me to do that and be okay with it? How could I possibly work side by side with him still and know he is involved with someone else and that my successes are now being shared with her? I know he doesn't think of it that way, but I do. I guess that's selfish maybe for me to think that way, or maybe it's a way for me to somehow manipulate him to stay with me, by telling him that I won't remain in business with him if he doesn't stay with me romantically as well. My emotions are so mixed up right now that I don't know what to think. I just know that it infuriates me to be working so hard every day to help us be successful and know that he has potentially "given up on us" but still expects me to contribute to his success. Is it wrong for me to feel that way? Am I out of line? Am I just being manipulative? I just don't think I could ever stomach lifting him up when I know how he has hurt me and that he "gave up" on us. While I want him to be happy, do I have to necessarily contribute to that happiness? If he doesn't want to contribute to our romantic relationship, why should I want to contribute to our business relationship? It feels like that he wants his cake and to eat it, too - that he wants "her" on the side for his personal R and me on the other side to boost our business relationship, and that makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to help someone be successful who has hurt me so much. I know I hurt him, too, and I'm so sorry for that, but I want to make it better, and he doesn't. Oh, I don't know... Please tell me what you think from the outside looking in. My emotions are so over the board right now...
I'm also getting tired of him being so "mean" to me. He's so distant and cold. As I said, I think that just makes it easier on him. But it's tearing me apart. And I don't know what to do about it. I've talked to him about it, but it hasn't changed. We have to communicate due to our business, and when we talk about business, we're great together and he's nice to me. But the minute we discuss us, it goes downhill fast, and then it's like he turns into a different person. He's just mean-spirited, and that's not him at all. He is such a kind, wonderful man most of the time. I've only seen this side of him a few times, and it's been when we've been having problems. So, as I said, I can only gleen from that that that is how he deals with conflict - to push me away and to not let himself care outwardly.
Okay - this is getting too long, so I should close. Guess I had a lot to get out tonight. Thanks for listening. My potential plan for tomorrow is to not talk about the R at all if I can find the strength and just see how it goes. Maybe if we just don't talk about it for a while he won't be so worried about me bringing it up and will be more comfortable around me and kind to me. If I can somehow do that, maybe in time that will build into him feeling closer to me again. Right now, any time we talk about the R it just seems to push him away. At the same time, I have such a need to understand what's going on and where I stand. I'm angry that I'm just supposed to bottle that up inside until he's "ready." But it seems that that is what I must do in order to have a chance at making this work. But don't I have a right to know where he's staying at night? I feel like it's only fair that I understand what I'm dealing with. How can I know what to do when I can't see all the cards? How in the world can he expect me to just sit here and let him continue to do this? But I don't want to let go, but I also don't want to be hurt... As I said, I'm just not anywhere close to throwing in the towel, but at the same time, my work is slipping drastically because I can't focus, I'm miserable most of the time, I'm sad, lonely, feeling isolated, unloved, etc., etc. How much of that can a person take? I guess I'll find out...
Anyway, enough ranting and raving for tonight. As you said, I know I deserve to be treated better than this, and I know he knows that, too. He's on the fence right now and doesn't know what to do, and I'm stuck in the middle. And I want my marriage to work more than anything, but not like this. I guess I just need to go back to detaching and hardcore DB'ing again - it's the only chance I've got. I thought we were through that and that I went through these last 3 months of hell because he was going to get back in the game, and now he's gone again. I'm angry, confused, hurt, and mostly just sad. I meant it when I said I would love him forever... Any advice would be appreciated. And, believe me, I know I will be okay without him if it comes to that, but that's not what I want. I want to follow through on my commitment to our M...
