thanks for stopping buy guys...I really do get a boost when I see that I have a response!!
so yesterday was an odd day...I went out to the store to get some diapers and odds and ends..purposefully left my cell phone behind...was getting a bit down while I was out...was having an urge to call ow and let her know what a piece of crap she is/was for having such a friendship with my h before I knew (as if she really thought it would be ok) and after...but then again there are times when I want to send her an annonomous copy of dr in hopes that she will not put her h and children through the d that she is claiming she wants. was a bit down about h.... I know it's just the snowplowing throwing him off a bit... btw he did make it up to bed sometime around midnight but never made it to the shower til the am (ohh stinky sheets)
so last night was nice...h was feeling like junk and I expected him to just fall asleep but he did not...he snaked the drain in my shower that wasn't working well played with dd and sat with son a bit...then came up while I was giving son a bath..and h read him a story...h lit a fire and chilled out watching movies with me..and was kinda talkative...we flipped back and forth to football during the comercials and when I would do the flipping h would laugh..(honestly what's the diff watch a comercial or watch football?? watch football and make him happy)
so event h asked me to sit on the couch with him...we hung out til the last movie was over and then trudged up to bed..
h slept in this am...and later (after he goes in to check on a job that got damaged) we will go to his moms for a dinner (late christmas gathering) and then attempt to convince one of them to watch the kids so we can go to a party my friends are having.
k so here is a really really dumb fight that shows how little h knows of how to be in a real r with anyone or how to fix mistakes that he makes...
h has had season tickets to the pats for years...he has shared the second seat with a different person a few years..for the past couple years it has been bil...a couple times this year when bil can't or doesn't go to the game he gives his ticket to his new wife who then goes with my h. does this bother me??? a tad...I'd like to go to the damn game with my h...not have him sitting there with the sil whom I no longer care for as she has been a catty little bitch to me over the past year and said things to me that are clearly not kind and it makes it all the worse when she gets to go while I sit at home..anyway... the first game that she went to with my h...h told me..I let him know it bothered me...got over it whatever.
so last weeks game...h goes to game...comes home after and gee I celebrate the fact that he actually comes home (what am I dumb, I celebrate things that SHOULD be like there something magnificent) the next night we are home and h is telling me about bil's new fil's gang that also go to the games and how they do this and that while tailgaiting then mentions the fact that bil doesn't like to hang with the other guys as much anymore and would rather hang with the new fil...(gee a little plant so I don't ask why you were over at new fil's gang?)
so a week later we are at h's moms for dinner and exchanging secret santa gifts...h had new sil...got her some pats stuff at the pro shop that bil pointed out that she wanted (gee anther plant) sil opens gifts and says "I knew this stuff was for me...yeah right..try this on I have to get it for LL" I say "oh you were with them when they bought it?" "yeah I was with them." hmm
I then leave to take dd home..h comes home after with s, mil and fil...h and I leave to go to pty at my friends...I ask h...how did sil get to the game...(I had asked if there were any spare tickets as I wanted to go) h all defensive says to me....bil didn't go cause of bla bla bla so he gave sil his ticket... well it ended up being a big ole fight...h pissed of...me pissed off...h denying hiding it from me and then blatently saying that he avoided telling me so he wouldn't hear any crap about it...couldn't and wouldn't understand how dumb I felt not having known who h went to the game with. h wanted to go home and make me go to pty alone...h actually turned the car around...it went on and on...we then got to the pty...h spent zero time with me..when we walked in the door...I don't even know where he went..the ride home was misserable as well...h pissed at me...being rude and demeaning to me..with more of the "who did you talk to" as if I need someone elses opinion about things to upset me with what he does and how he acts about things.
really all he had to do was tell me she was going...would it bother me...[censored] ya..I should be there with him not her...but at least I would have known...could he still have fixed it then...ya just say...it slipped my mind..I'm sorry I put you in that postion..I'm sure she didn't notice anyway..but no..h doesn't bother to be supportive of me and my feelings...h is just h.
h is now at the game again today...wonder with who this time.
h doesn't know what he has done...h doesn't know how to fix things..h wants to come and go as he pleases...go about his day and not bother to let me have a clue as to what he's done...where he's been... who he talks to etc. I do not know h's life and I think that is the way he likes it. I let h know this and his response is " do i have to give you and itinerary ever time I leave the house?"
h is at times arrogant, controling, demeaning, and I am tired of it...why should I be the one to be on my best behaviour...keeping my mouth shut...suppressing my feelings...for his sake...so he'll be nice to me...why do I have to do all the work..while h just does whatever the hell he wants????
I want a real relationship and I don't think h is capable of it. and h let me know that he won't be asking me to put my ring back on...I can put it on whenever I want to....well I informed him that I will do no such thing...that marriage is over...h asked for it to be over when he walked out the door.. h is so ignorant that he thinks I was simply bothered at the fact that sil went to the game...nope...is the fact that you hid it from me intentionally!!! what else are you hiding h..you want me to trust you? be comfortable with you? feel like I am a part of your life? then act like it...bet buddie knew who you were at the game with...bet you called him from there 100 times...why don't you go live with him...doesn't seem like his wife would mind much. LL
I just want to go home...trouble is....I don't know where that is anymore... honestly I don't think I'll ever be happy with h and h will always just be content with me...what a crappy life this will be....oh for the sake of the kids...I'll suck it up and play nice...maybe when I'm old if I out live h...I get to have a real r with a man.
LL, I am very, very sorry for the bad day you had.
Quoting lostlove:well I informed him that I will do no such thing...that marriage is over...h asked for it to be over when he walked out the door..
Was this the actual conversation you had? That sounded pretty bad, didn't it?
I can relate to your feelings of insecurity about your H going without letting you know what happend. This is inevitible given that he had breached your trust before.
On the other hand, what I thought happend was a communication break down, not necessarily that your H's mind is flying off to another woman.
I think you might understand how your H would misinterprete your intention that you would like to go to the game. Was it really expressed in a way so he can understand that your upset was not because of jealousy of another woman, but because of your insecurity and your interest to spend time together with him in a game you would be equally interesting to you? I am not sure if that message got across.
You know, after your M suffered a bomb and infidelity, it will take a while before both of you become fully committed and enjoying the new M. It also takes some time before both of you become used to a new communication patterns that would help you understand each other more. Looks like that the other couples on this BB that were reconciling all had to go through this honest discussion of what it means for you to become a couple again, and what behaviors you need to adopt to forge a new R. I think that your H may not 100% there yet, even though I saw a guy trying very hard to make amends. He probably just has not learned how to fulfill your emotional needs. On the other hand, I think you are also aware of some of your own behaviors that could be destructive to your M by pushing your H too much. I know it is hard to strike a balance given that you two have not communicated effectively that you can resolve this conflict. All I can say is that please be patient since your H has been trying. Think back for a year when you first pushed your H out the door, how things have become different. Give yourself some credit of the changes you made, as well as your H's willingness to come back taking care of you and your family. It takes some patience, and, God willing, his realization soon that he should stop going down cheeseless tunnels.
I think putting on ring for you was just a symbolism; what matters more was to find someone or something that could help you interact better, if that is available and your H is willing. If not, it would have to depend on you to play the changes and help change the dynamics in your R.
Hang in there. I know you can and you will save this M. It still takes time, but you will get there.
Chuck
BTW, looks like the Pats were gonna be out of playoff so your problem may avoided for the next few months...
Quote: I think you might understand how your H would misinterprete your intention that you would like to go to the game. Was it really expressed in a way so he can understand that your upset was not because of jealousy of another woman, but because of your insecurity and your interest to spend time together with him in a game you would be equally interesting to you? I am not sure if that message got across.
thanks chuck....
h knows full well that I want to go to the games...not just to spend the time with him but because I enjoy going to the games...it is not so much that he was with sil (well yes that does bother me cause I don't care for her and why should she get to go??? h could easily tell bil when he isn't going that he'll buy that seat for me but no h just goes with sil instead whatever)
you are right chuck...this r has HUGE communication problems always has...always will....h is not a communicator....so the only way to go about things is to just keep my feelings to myself and expect little if anything from h as far as communication.
whatever at this point.
matters not that the pats lost...if anything that will make h stay down at his appartment tonight as we still have not made peace over last nights arguing...h's way to just go to sleep or leave..ya that works doesn't it?? so then I will be mad at that too... and just because the pats are done doesn't mean football is done...h will now go down to buddies (as he has been already on sun's) to watch the other teams...and gee maybe if they like the teams that get in the superbowl enough looser buddie will drag h off to new orleans again.
I need to get away for a few days...h already let me know I could (gee thanks for the permission) when he had told me of his going to miami to see the pats...so I am looking to find a nice little hotel or something not to far away to go and spend a few days alone....see if I can find a place that has a spa...get a massage...sleep all day...and do whatever I want and not be bothered by all this bs..let h once again be reminded that he too is a parent and what it is like to not be able to just do what you want when you want.
That sucks. Your H sounds a bit like my H. It really seems like he just doesn't get it. But I wonder with mine if it's a control thing - info is power, and he holds onto it tight. Then when I get upset about him not telling me something, he turns the blame straight back on me by accusing me of being hysterical! I don't even have to raise my voice and he says I'm freaking out.
As ticked off as I would be in your shoes, would it be possible to do a 180 if something like this happens again? Not sure what that would look like, maybe say nothing at the time, somehow paint on a smile, then later, calmly and sweetly say "If you are ever looking for someone to go with you to the game, I would love to go".
I know you are a passionate woman, and have had to bite your tongue so many times it hurts, but he said he didn't tell you because he feared your reaction. Now, because he got the reaction he expected, he thinks he was right ( )
Just a thought. Please don't think all is lost - you have come so, so far!
Quoting lostlove:I think putting on ring for you was just a symbolism; what matters more was to find someone or something that could help you interact better.
I think this is a great idea.
Just finished reading a couple of R books, and they both talked about how to communicate your needs. So bear with me if you have done all of those. Did you say things like:
I would like to go to 2 of the pats games in the season with you. Can you accomodate that so we can go together and have fun tailgating?
I know this could make you defensive, but I would like to express my feelings. I felt frustrated as you went to see the game without inviting me while you had extra seat. That made me feel that I was not important at all as I like to go to the game with you some time, not all the time. Can we do that once or twice a year please?
These two requests and expressions did not involve blaming, but a simple expression of your desire. The beginning also forwarned your H that you were expresssing your feelings.
I can see how much you have put up with your H, but as you can also imagine, when one is in a R, he may not be able to see things clearly as the feelings and direct reactions could hinder communications. With some adaptation, you could express your desires in a way more receptive to your H.
You may also ask why you have to take lion's share of the communication by changing some of your own way expressing feelings. This is, unfortunately, a reality. But I am sure you know the reward of a fulfilling M with your loved one.
Hang in there. You definitely deserve to be treated well...
Chuck
BTW, I just saw RJJ's advise. Sounded better than mine...
more later. 