Matilda, I too can handle the behavior part of my DB plan. It's the emotional part that is difficult. Is the emotional part getting any easier for you? It sounds like fear is the primary emotion for you.
In one of my writing exercises, we're supposed to write about events that happened in our lives, that we avoid thinking about. I wonder if it would be helpful to you to write about what you're afraid may happen in your situation.
You say that "one look could turn things back." I wonder if it would be helpful to take that phrase and write about it (even just several pages). You could write it as a piece of fiction (a story that happens to someone else) if that would make it easier. Maybe it would help you to understand your fears more clearly. It would be a way of facing the emotion(s), rather than carrying it inside of you.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
