Afterall....This IS my Life III

[heatherg]

Fearless, I really appreciate your insight into my situation. I feel like you really have a handle on how I feel.

Is it true that you have ALWAYS had one foot out the door?

Not always, but I started to wish I wasn't with him for the first time around 1995 when we first moved to Virginia. The frequency of those thoughts increased from that point on. However, I never, ever truly wanted to get away from H...I just wished he would change his behavior, at the time his alcohol issue all but took over my brain. I mean, I was 20 when we moved out here....dealing with a full blown alcoholic. Who the heck wouldn't wish things were different?! But I loved him, so I stayed. I frequently wonder what other 20 year old had a love that was strong and mature enough to stay with someone who drank like that but yet never socialized...I was very isolated. So, I was committed enough to stay, but I lived mostly in the future, when things would be 'different'.

The main reason I feel like this knowledge is important to you is that it could prevent you from over apologizing which I feel is something you have done recently.

My sister thinks so too. She heard nothing but blame in the emails from H that I posted here. She would love for H and I to work things out, but she also doesn't see where H has really said or done anything that indicates he's willing to do what it takes to fix our M.

To me, it seems that if you were not really committed to your H and marriage, you would have been gone a long time ago.

This is exactly how I feel. I've sort of felt that it was obvious that I was committed and want this M to work. I haven't liked being kicked out of my bed for nearly three years, but I've DONE it. Doesn't that say SOMEthing?!

If you can be true to yourself over the next few months while allowing yourself to listen and validate your H's feelings, I think there is a true chance for things to work out well for both of you.

I'm going to try really hard to do this. I got off to a really good start which seems to have put him at ease communicating with me. He asked me today what he's supposed to do about the papers-he said the papers indicated he's supposed to respond by March 8 and his lawyer is 'bugging him' about what to do. I told him we'd discuss it this weekend. So, there will likely be more serious conversations coming.

A question: the whole truck financing thing - do you all have separate finances so that it would be "your" financial loss instead of both of yours?

Yes, the loss will be mine because our finances are completely separate. We do have online banking and we have access to one another's accounts to transfer money, etc, but the accounts are separate.
Keeping our accounts separate is just sort of how we evolved. It has worked out well, we've always seemed to split things up evenly and arguments about money are very rare. It works for us although I can see why it wouldn't for some people.