The fat lady is warming up....

[OldFool]

Good to hear from you!

My last session was on 21 Feb 07, and I really had nothing to say.

You may have gone as far with IC as you can right now until further developments. I'm at that place right now and only go every now and again (I was going every week).

My H's lawyer requested an extension, which is good because I still haven't gathered the data his lawyer is requesting.

Good! Every step away from the D or just simply avoiding a step toward it is a positive thing. Trust me...I know.

If WAH knew he wasn't going to be around much longer, why the hell did we waste time shopping around for the perfect washer/dryer and fridge!

Sometimes I think it's almost force of habit.

The good news is I've lost 20 lbs since I've joined Weight Watchers. Las Vegas, here I come!

Way to go! Knock 'em dead on the strip!

I've got IC this week and then maybe two JC's the following two weeks.

[alamogirl]

Hey Hillcountry,

I'm also in SA...nice to meet a fellow San Antonian. Just wondering, did you keep the w/d? I'm living in the house, so I have everything. The only thing H needs to pick up are bits and pieces of furniture. My therapist said to have several friends over and move all his stuff to the garage. That way, when he does finally pick it up, it's all together, and I don't have to worry about seeing him.

Hey OldFool,

Update: I went to see the lawyer yesterday, and we went over all the items that my H's lawyer requested of me. It's not as bad as it looks. Fortunately, I'm pretty anal about keeping records and stuff. My lawyer was surprised that I had all that stuff and wished all his clients were "anal" like me...ha! He didn't say that, just the part that he wished his clients had their records at least as far back as 3 years.

Do you know that my H is playing the "poor little me" card? He's asking for spousal support! My lawyer actually thinks it's going to backfire and can't imagine why his lawyer is allowing it. I can't believe my H agreed to it. Also, my H used up all his 401K to live on when he moved out. My lawyer said that it is going to count against him. Who pulls out their 401K to live on and then goes after half of his spouse's 401K? IT'S NUTS!

My lawyer also requested that my H fill out this questionnaire. One of the questions is "Did you ever engage in an extra-marital affair while married to your spouse"? He said that if my H answers "yes," he may be able to lower my H's portion of my retirement & 401K. Unfortunately, TX is a no-fault community property state; however, it doesn't necessarily mean that the spouse gets 1/2 of everything...it may be less. In my case, let's hope so.

That's it for now. All my best,
alamogirl

[OldFool]

Well, back from my first IC in about a month (requested by my C). She said WAW is now at a point where she's not sure she want's to wake up in 5 years and wonder if she should have tried to make it work. Could account for the note, B-day card, and V-day card all received in the last week+.

C wanted to know, on my WAW's behalf, I suppose, whether I would be willing to do three or four JC sessions and then maybe a dinner with WAW with the proviso that WAW won't guarantee anything and isn't sure she can do all of that.

My answer, "Not yet...not now". It's movement in the right direction, but just too soon for either of us. According to C, WAW says she's been living a lie for most of her life and now that she's "finding herself", wonders if I'll like the person she is now. Hard to say, considering I'm not sure I know who that is, but on it's face, I don't much care for what I've seen so far.

The reality is that a half-dozen+ counseling sessions will not resolve the issues of a person whose life has largely been a fraud...by her own admission. So there is absolutely nothing upon which to base any evaluations that would need to take place in the context of JC, dinner, or anything else.

So I'm back in a holding pattern for what, I expect, will be a couple months. For those of you hoping for more progress so this thread wouldn't be such a bore, sorry. For those of you checking in and hoping for a quick resolution to your own sitch, take a lesson...it's a long, slow, winding road.

alamogirl:
You're doin' OK. Thanks for the update. I still think you should start your own thread. There's so little going on in my sitch that my thread doesn't get much action. I think you'd get more response with your own thread in Divorced But Not Done. Either way, I thinking about you and hoping for the best. Keep in touch.

[Just_Me]

First, alamogirl, that's nuts! I hope he doesn't get squat. He shouldn't.

Oldfool, I like your answer...."not yet". Sounds like maybe the answer could have been, "not yet, maybe not ever". Your story isn't boring, it's just reality. I wonder if counseling is even worth it. I hope by holding pattern that still means you are enjoying your own life.

[stilldazed]

"not yet...not now" So thats what detaching means!!! OF-You are certainly no bore, Its facinating and actually a bit hopefull that there could be a resolution after so much time.

So lesson learned...long and slow. Congrats on movement in the right direction, or movement at all.

I guess Im curious to know whether or not it is the C or WAW that wants the 3-4 counceling sessions. You "suppose" its WAW, but what makes you think this?

[OldFool]

Sounds like maybe the answer could have been, "not yet, maybe not ever".

Could be. Not nearly enough info. to make that kind of call right now. But it's fair to say that if you fell in love with and married person A, and it turns out they are really person B, you probably have no better than even odds that had they been person B at the start, you might never have found them desirable (and I mean in more than just a physical sense) in the first place. That's where I'm at right now...basically starting over, trying to find out who my WAW really is, and then deciding if that's the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. A very strange place to be, indeed.

I hope by holding pattern that still means you are enjoying your own life.

Absolutely. I've got friends coming over for dinner this weekend, some stuff going on next week, and lots of projects to work on. I'm in a good place.

I guess I'm curious to know whether or not it is the C or WAW that wants the 3-4 counceling sessions. You "suppose" its WAW, but what makes you think this?

I "suppose" this for two reasons. First, because I asked the C this question and she fudged the answer. I don't think she would have done this if it were her idea and I think she would have endorsed the idea as well. Second, my WAW said several weeks ago there was something she wanted to talk to me about, but avoided it when I asked and then never said anything. I think this idea might have been the topic and she ultimately couldn't bring herself to say it. But it's all speculation on my part.

[tigerleland]

Sounds good. Hope I hear some good news like that myself someday.

[46956]

Hi OldFool
I found your thread. I had been looking for it for a while. You were like a ghost. I haven't gotten through all of it but it sounds like you are on the road home, that is so good to hear. I would say your wife is who she was before. People learn and grow and mature, but their basic personality remains the same in my opinion. She may have grown now and sees things different. Your hard work and devotion no doubt have shown her who you really are. You have proven Dbing really works. It is natural to question whether you want to go back after the hell she put you through. She is moving towards you so all the hurt you had suppressed when you were DBing now feels safe to come up now to be felt and resolved. Forgive her my friend, set the hurt and yourself free. You were a model Db student and now teacher and guide to many others. You have earned your success also. Sometimes I think, what would OldFool do in this instance. I hope I can be as successful as you are. Take care, 4

[OldFool]

...it sounds like you are on the road home, that is so good to hear.

Perhaps, but too early to really tell.

I would say your wife is who she was before. People learn and grow and mature, but their basic personality remains the same in my opinion. She may have grown now and sees things different.

I generally tend to agree with your position, but in the case of my WAW, all bets are off for this reason. She says that her life has been a fraud for many years and that she has been living up to the expectations of others and not being true to herself. This apparently pre-dates my even knowing her and involves others (parents, work, etc.) beyond me. That means I may have never really known who she was...right from the time we began dating to the present. Given that, returning to her "basic personality" may mean returning to something I never knew.

You have proven Dbing really works.

Whoa...let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'm a long way from being out of the woods (though I think I've stopped the bleeding, so to speak).

It is natural to question whether you want to go back after the hell she put you through. She is moving towards you so all the hurt you had suppressed when you were DBing now feels safe to come up now to be felt and resolved. Forgive her my friend, set the hurt and yourself free.

I think you've misunderstood. My response of "Not yet...not now" to JC and "dinner" was not motivated by anger or an unforgiving spirit. It is a timing issue. Much has to be dealt with and the foundation has yet to be laid. There will come a time when this is appropriate, but too little time has passed and too little progress has been made. In addition, she is not yet able to articulate who she is, what her values are, or what she desires. I can make no progress myself until such time as these are known.

You were a model DB student and now teacher and guide to many others. You have earned your success also.

Thank you.

I hope I can be as successful as you are.

If you are really committed to doing it, I have every reason to believe you will find even greater success than I.

[Jeff223]

Hey OF-
Getting around to finally reading some stuff in this forum I moved to. Yours is very intersting. I really like your attitude especially questioning if you were single would you M her or even pursue her. Does she even have your values.

You know, as much as I want my M back, I ask myself the same questions and after one year of this, why in heaven's name would I want her back? I see a completely different person and what I see I do not like.

But is my W that way b/c she is an alien or b/c of things I did? I ask that question to help me objectively assess things.

So, I just wanted to say you are doing fine. Your 'open mind' approach should serve you well. Remember, they quit on us, not the other way round. To make any new R work means both must work it. And the first place to work is on us; she must see her problems and work them if the R is to work.

Strength and Honor.