Afterall....This IS my Life III

[heatherg]

You've sent a msg that you were close and comfortable enough to ML. And now you're asking about sleeping in the bedroom. It's conflicting msgs Heather.

I'm not sure what is in conflict-that I felt close enough to ML to him, but not close enough to assume I would be welcomed back into the bedroom?

He doesnt respect that you need to sleep in the bed with him as a W because you don't respect that boundary for yourself.. he might count it as BS and an excuse.

It's really HIS boundary, not mine. My decision is whether or not to respect his boundary. He does not want me in the marital bed because in his eyes, I have not been committed to our M. Sure, I can disrespect his boundary, but how does that set a good example for acceptable behavior? Don't get me wrong, I think his boundary is very poorly set up because it's really controlling MY behavior...i.e. I would see it differently if he said "You can sleep wherever you want, but I don't feel comfortable sleeping in the marital bed if you are going to be sleeping there". THAT would be a boundary. But you and I know see the distinction in that because we've had the benefit of these boards. To him, he's created a boundary. Not to respect it would be escalation and I know this because I've tried. The first time I tried to sleep in my bed, it became physical and the mental was even worse than that. Just recently while my sister was here, I slept in our bed because I didn't want her to feel guilty about taking 'my bed', which is really the guest bed. H was again, very very rude (rude doesn't quite cut it, he pretty much treated me like a dog throwing a back support thing at my back to separate us while we slept, etc) although he didn't try to physically remove me....he may have if she wouldn't have been there though, I guess I'll never know.
I couldn't carry out sleeping in there against his wishes on a long-term basis because he is a night owl. He would make my life very, very hard and I would eventually cave or go off the deep end after enough torture and/or sleep deprivation.
He doesn't want me in there. My choice is to respect it or not. If I want to give the M a try, I have to respect it for a limited amount of time that I have made known to him. That's the best I can do for a boundary for myself. Or leave. Do you agree or am I not getting you?

I sent a msg that I'd be in the R, but threaten to leave and any glimmer of hope (whether he was committed and respecting me or not), I'd cling to it and climb back in and then I'd start over pointing out what he needed to do and he'd start fearing abandonment again.

That's exactly what happened in my R as well. I hear you saying that through separation you and J managed to lay the groundwork for respect and that was beneficial for you guys because you didn't repeat the cycle of clinging to hope while continuing the same old patterns. I'm hoping to do the same thing through this one year timeline that I've set. I've made it clear to H that I am committed and will be in for the long haul if we can get this R to a place where we both look at each other and say 'This is good'. I felt like I had to balance the difficulty of change with a reasonable timeline while also showing an impressive time commitment. I'm hoping to accomplish the same thing you and J are achieving, just without the physical separation.

I'm not trying to hit you with a 2X4, but hoping you'll consider the messages you're sending. Respect yourself.

I feel like I am. But you're saying it doesn't appear that I am?

It's OK to say H, I love you, but I can't be close to you without XYZ. How he takes that is his responsibility.

BTDT. It got months of no sex, no emotional closeness, no affection. I lost hope and filed for D. This year warrants a new approach, the very best I have to give. I feel worse when we don't have a SL than when we do. Even if I have to sleep on the couch afterward. It's time for him to recognize the error in his ways without prodding from me. If he doesn't recognize them.....then I will have to face that.

But you can clearly communicate how it makes you feel when you're not welcome there and what that does to your heart and your commitment.. how scary it is for you that it makes you feel rejected and how impossible it is to say that you're willing to live in an environment of rejection forever.

I will try to lay this out for him. Ugh, that means I have to cut myself open again. Might as well get used to it....

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real