honestly starting to think my life was better when h was not "trying" then I had every sun off..every other sat night off...every tues and thurs night off....was not thinking I had a h..was not thinking h may want to spend time with me...was not thinking about h...was thinking about my kids...so now because I thought of my kids...I am screwed...I do not have sundays off...I expecet some healing time but it aint happening...h is falling right back into the same old pattern of before...nothing is good enough...I can say a friggen thing about what bothers me or what I don't like cause all he hears despite the fact that I compliment him on all that he is doing...is it isn't enough...push me away...
what kind of a [censored] marriage is this....if what h is doing bothers me...that I am not feeling good about us I cant say anything about it because he will leave...that is a big load of crapola.... I think h wants to leave but he is to chicken [censored] to be the one to make the descision to do so...wants to use me pushing him away as the exuse...
so then I guess so that my children can have a "family" I stay unhappy but keep quiet about it...gee I know what that leads to....can we say affair??
what the hell is so wrong with this picture...is there somehting wrong with me or does h just not get it..did I marry the wrong kind of guy...I don't know anymore and honestly am tired of caring about him...why should I want to spend time with him..why should it matter to me that last night he was out til 1:30 am and now is out all day plowing (oh sorry not yet still just hanging around down there waiting for it to stop probably having lunch with his buddie) and wont be home till ???? maybe 8...but actually I get the I was thinking of comming up tonight...having buddie over to watch the game. WTF????? what am I... when do I get time..when does h actually ask me to spend time with him instead of just getting to assume I'll be round when he wants.
I think that I actaully have to start going out again..thing is I know it's not a good idea...I don't like to shop...so what is there...how many movies can you go see..go play darts or bowl...ya and what does that lead to...men giving me attention...ya that'll help h's cause real well...and h the dumb ass that he is wont ask me to stay home no matter how many times I tell him it's ok to.
so then I figure I'll get myself a part time job a few nights a week to get me someplace to go...maybe I'll look into the local store...thing is h is not consistant in his arival time so I would not be a very dependable employee...h basically has me friggen trapped and I don't like it at all...
