I just wanted to thank you for dropping by my thread last week. I have been lurking on yours for a long time but have rarely posted. I've often admired the advice you have given to others, straight shooting and right on the mark I would appreciate you looking in on me every once and a while... I feel rather lost at the moment.
Quote: It's a big load of BS it's him who needs you!!! sooner you realize it the better.
I think it's sinking in.
As for your sitch, it does sound like it's progressing v well. I understand all your frustration as I was feeling the same in my M, before bomb, but your H has done so many 180's, it's so encouraging.
oh heres another 180 for ya.... before the disclosure of ow "friendship" and before h left home..he was home every night unless it was snowing or he went to the football game. ( season ticket holder)
since his homecomming he has been going out at night, over the past month every sunday he goes down to his friends house to watch football and yes has started to come home after but it is usually late..like midnight.
is he really with his buddie...probably would be really dumb of him not to be..thing is I can't call ow's house to see if she's home cause she's blocked private calls.
would he be that stupid anyway?
is it right of him to be spending this time with his friend...while we are supposedly trying to heal from his having had an affair and leaving me for said affair..NO!!! can I say anything about it...oh sure...would it get a good response...doubt it.. starting to wonder if h is in fact in a bit of a mlc?? or just a really dumb guy when it comes to football and happens to have a married buddie who's wife either doesn't care or is off working so he's loney and latched onto my h. said buddie actually came to our house fri night while I was out...came home at 3 am to find them both sleeping on the couches.
do I really want to deal with it if he is????
perhaps I'll just have one of my own...I already know I'd be pretty good at it.
h helped get a lot done today but still managed to talk to his buddie several times on the nextel two way (at least I get to hear their conversations, there like a couple of kids) left around 1...just called at 7:45 to let me know he watched a game and I don't know something about another game and that he'd be home later...probably not til 11:30 or 12. I just said ok.
but what I really want to say to him is.
do you really think it is appropriate for you to be spending this time that we are supposed to be healing with your buddie. I know you have a right to your time and your friends..but I don't feel very possitive about US while you stay down there all night with him...even if you do come home afterward.
I know the result of that conversation...do I give you a hard time when you go out with your friends? (no why should you, I'm not the one who had an affair and left you and besides you just have your new affair come up here to keep you company while you go out I am up here alone!)
I'd rather you didn't tell me seems like h isn't 100% commited to the r...I'd rather hear something like...so he's watching football with his buddie....that's a good thing...it's good that he now has a male friend...football season is not that long and before you know it summer will be here and you'll be back to having your sundays free again... you did after all have every sunday all day and night free to do what you wanted while h was there with the kids...so give him this time...if you don't complain about it you will be rewarded!!
so I am off to decorate the tree as I figure the game is on tommorow night and h is sure to go back down to friends again to watch it and I don't feel like waiting til tuesday to get it done.
btw I should add that before we were married h not only ran his business but also was a firefighter..so there were plenty of nights that he was at work or tired from work and I went out and lived my life...difference is I wanted him there it was his choice to go to sleep instead. I've been waiting for him to not be tired and it seems that now that he isn't tired as much he wants to hang with this guy instead of me. maybe I'm just a brat I don't know.
LL, Part of it may be that he just "doesn't get it". He may just not see anything wrong at all with him hanging out with his buddy.
Another thing may be the fact that you two still have a lot to work through. This is a long and complicated process. The time he spends with his buddy is time where he can be "stress" free. Time that he can just relax and be himself - without having to worry about what he says or does that could possibly be taken wrong.
He's probably still working his way back to being comfortable again with your M - after everything that the two of you have been through - it will take some time for everyone to heal.
He might not even be concious of the fact that he's spending so much time with his buddy - it may just be the most natural thing for him to do right now - it probably does make him more at ease and relieve his stress from the whole sitch - but he may not even know that is why he's hanging out with his buddy.
Suffice to say, I wouldn't worry too much about it. If he's hanging out with the buddy - then he sure doesn't have time to spend with an OW. If you press him about it - it will probably push him away because he won't understand. If you just let it go... then try to provide a relaxed and comfortable atmosphere for him when the two of you are together - then I think he will naturally begin to gravitate to you more as he starts to feel "safer" being with you... when your company becomes more and more comforting - and not "stress" territory.
Hope you didn't take that wrong. I'm not trying to say you are stressing him out - but we've all got to realize that our spouses ARE uncomfortable around us right now because of everything that we are going through - and they feel like the villian - so, they are feeling guilty and feel pressured to do something about it.
All I can figure is that it will take a while to make him feel more relaxed again... that he is not under a microscope.
I sure hope that helps... and hope that I did not offend you in any way.
thanx jw, I needed to hear all of what you had to say and honestly it does make sense....and it would have helped a while ago but as it is now 12:30 am and h has not called since 7:45 and is still not home yet it isn't much comfort....I'm sure I'll get some lame excuse....he fell asleep...bla bla bla....didn't want to call incase I was asleep...bla bla bla
whatever...wouldn't be so bothered if he at least called another time while out...or if when he did call earlier he was more talketive or included buddie somewhat in the conversation or hell used the actual phone from friends house instead of the cell so I would know he was really there....
whatever...
LL who is pissed of and going to decorate the damn tree that she still hasn't started yet and hopes that at this point h does not come home and if he does that she is already asleep when he does....and hopes that she can keep herself from calling him and giving him [censored] for not calling and not being here yet!!!
so fine I went to try to start decorating the tree and got pissed and attempted to call h...two way not working...call phone direct...not working...call beeper say nothing...call phone call two way (you get the point) tried to use two way to call buddie...no response...beep h agian and leave shitty message...try to two way him again and suddenly it looks like it's working...so I call the phone instead and low and behold h answers saying he's on his way home...I say oh where are you...were leaving the place now...who are you with...Im with buddie...ya why didn't he answer his phone h puts buddie on the phone...yada yada whatever...I let h know that I'm happy he finaly has a friend to hang out with and that's nice and all but this isn't working...that it would have been nice for him to call me and let me know that he'd be late or whatever...or just call to reasure me of where he is...anyway h was reluctant to tell me were he actually was..a place...what place...a place in xtown...ya what place club whatever...it's a sports bar...whatever I think I've seen the place and it's a big dive and more than a sports bar...whatever...I didn't say that though cause it doesn't matter.
I told h that at this point in light of all that has happend I do not think it is ok for h to be hanging out with buddie and that he is not entitled to the freedoms he is trying to have...in a normal marriage yes but not now.
h knows this (sure as hell aint acting like it though) I do wonder what the hell is wrong with buddies w? buddie sure seems to be free all the time!!!
I told h that it would be nice if instead of going out with buddie all the time he would take me out..
at this point I think h is still a little child and though he is doing alot of good things he still doesn't know how to do the r thing.
LL, when I said it did not sound like he's 100% committed to m, I might have used the wrong words.What is 100 % anyways? He seems to be doing alot of things right but maybe not sure how to get it all...I still am not saying what I am thinking. You say he should not be with buddie so much , for the first 20 years of our m, h did not have outside friends or activities because I thought his place at night and weekends was with me and kids.Then a few years ago when all this ff thing came along, and h joined choir and outside activities, I was threatened and that is when all the doubts came, when we really drifted apart. Just before h moved out and we talked he said he needs to have his own time out, and I now see that it is ok for each of us to have seperate friends to do things with. Your h needs this buddie right now, is it fair? probably not but he does not feel stressed when he is with him. They have to come back 100% on their own terms, again is it fair..nope but we knew going into this that we, the db'trs, would have to give more than the waw probably will.They have not been so lucky as to have the books and board to come to learn how and what might work or not work. Keep looking at the all the good that your h has done the past weeks. Sue
h is trying, thing is he's just doing what comes naturally...and I seem to be the one making the effort...I did not want to say anything to him about his friend because there really is nothing wrong with him having friends...is something I wanted for him all along...just stinks that NOW is when he has one.
it seems that anytime I do let h know what I need from him...even though I do let him know what he is doing right...he still gets defensive with the but it's not enough!
so last night after some unnessisary arguing...I told h...as far as h's go you are a great one...but right now I need a little extra..is it fair...not really but what I have been through this past year wasn't fair either.
h keeps assuring me...everything with time..and that the things I am looking for will come...I know they will but right now is when I really need them...and that I let h know... honestly today I feel like calling a florest and sending myself an arraingment with a card saying nothing more than YOU ARE SPECIAL. hell I'd even sign it from me....that basically is all I want...do I want it all the time...no I just need that extra bit right now. I know that sending flowers to myself would only serve to frustrate h...just as my putting the lights on the tree seemed to....last night h said...why did you decorate the tree...and rather dissapointed I might add...I pointed out that I only did the lights...but i think he felt left out...maybe I should have done the whole thing.
so after some unpleasantness last night...h finally got it..and instead of saying to me...you went out with your friends fri night...did I give you a hard time...bla bla bla...he finally said sincerely...I'm sorry for not calling you. honestly folks..if he had simply called me a few times while he was out....I would have felt a whole lot better...is that something he will always have to do when he goes out...I would certainly hope not as that would be a bit pathetic..but for now...I need the reasurance.
LL hoping for a better day today! it is snowing again...ugh..more tired h.
honestly starting to think my life was better when h was not "trying" then I had every sun off..every other sat night off...every tues and thurs night off....was not thinking I had a h..was not thinking h may want to spend time with me...was not thinking about h...was thinking about my kids...so now because I thought of my kids...I am screwed...I do not have sundays off...I expecet some healing time but it aint happening...h is falling right back into the same old pattern of before...nothing is good enough...I can say a friggen thing about what bothers me or what I don't like cause all he hears despite the fact that I compliment him on all that he is doing...is it isn't enough...push me away...
what kind of a [censored] marriage is this....if what h is doing bothers me...that I am not feeling good about us I cant say anything about it because he will leave...that is a big load of crapola.... I think h wants to leave but he is to chicken [censored] to be the one to make the descision to do so...wants to use me pushing him away as the exuse...
so then I guess so that my children can have a "family" I stay unhappy but keep quiet about it...gee I know what that leads to....can we say affair??
what the hell is so wrong with this picture...is there somehting wrong with me or does h just not get it..did I marry the wrong kind of guy...I don't know anymore and honestly am tired of caring about him...why should I want to spend time with him..why should it matter to me that last night he was out til 1:30 am and now is out all day plowing (oh sorry not yet still just hanging around down there waiting for it to stop probably having lunch with his buddie) and wont be home till ???? maybe 8...but actually I get the I was thinking of comming up tonight...having buddie over to watch the game. WTF????? what am I... when do I get time..when does h actually ask me to spend time with him instead of just getting to assume I'll be round when he wants.
I think that I actaully have to start going out again..thing is I know it's not a good idea...I don't like to shop...so what is there...how many movies can you go see..go play darts or bowl...ya and what does that lead to...men giving me attention...ya that'll help h's cause real well...and h the dumb ass that he is wont ask me to stay home no matter how many times I tell him it's ok to.
so then I figure I'll get myself a part time job a few nights a week to get me someplace to go...maybe I'll look into the local store...thing is h is not consistant in his arival time so I would not be a very dependable employee...h basically has me friggen trapped and I don't like it at all...
so since h is too deaf to hear it.... I've just sent myself a nice bouqet of happy bright fresh cut flowers with a card simply stating YOU ARE SPECIAL...I mean really it didn't take but two seconds...didn't require much thought and when they arive I will feel special!! and I am certainly not ashamed of the fact that I've sent them to myself either....the lady at the place said right on!!! see I just can't lie...the woman asked who they were to be sent to and well it's me so I said I'm sending them to myself...she said she wished she would have thought of that too...well if they wont do it...you can either find someone else who will...or just do it yourself!! now this may bother h..but honestly I see it as not different than me spending money on a new pair of shoes to make me feel better so wtf..why not buy myself flowers??
I need to go out tonight..but once again have nowhere to go...and can't catch a movie cause h wont be home in time for me to make it to the show...suppose I could go to the later show but don't want to be out late...thing is though even if i stay home it's unlikely that I'll be able to sleep as the game doesn't start til 9 so h and buddie will be up and carousin' till midnight or so...
I don't know what I am to do anymore... advice anyone???
LL - been reading and see that you are going through a very rough patch right now. First, some cyberhugs coming your way:
((((((((((LostLove))))))))))
You floated the idea of possibly getting a part time evening job. Is there something that you can do during the day if you could find appropriate daycare? Work for a non-profit, etc.? Another idea may be to take some correspondence / web based courses that a local university or community college might offer. I'm just throwing out ideas to get those "little grey cells" working...
I empathize with your concerning having to hold back - worrying about being vulnerable to an affair - because I deal with those every day. To touch passionately, to kiss passionately ... I feel sad just thinking about it. But would that be the right thing? Not in my case - I love my W and kids too much to put them through it. But I also don't remember anything in my wedding vows that I would agree to live a life of celibacy, either. Gee - what would our spouses do if they thought that we were attractive to others? Blow their fuses, I dare say...
Well - I hold out hope that the new year will be a heck of a lot better in terms of my relationship with W. I hope that it does with your H as well...
P.S.: Saw that you sent yourself some flowers. Are you going to put those somewhere that H can't help but notice? As for going out this evening - is there a coffeehouse or bookstore that you could "hide out" at for a couple of hours?
I would appreciate you looking in on me every once and a while... I feel rather lost at the moment.
I think it's sinking in.
But would that be the right thing? Not in my case - I love my W and kids too much to put them through it. But I also don't remember anything in my wedding vows that I would agree to live a life of celibacy, either. Gee - what would our spouses do if they thought that we were attractive to others? Blow their fuses, I dare say...