I am tired of being met with indifference..I am tired of h having a cell phone (actually 2 one that he keeps in the truck that calls can be erased from) that is full of calls that are undefined...with many many many incomming and outgoing calls and messages..(not all work related) and his employees # are programmed (most of them anyway) and they use the nextel two way. an office phone to make and recieve calls from...and a beeper to boot. I am tired of not knowing the whats and whys....inorder for this to not happen again I should know why and all I get is fantasy land bullshit that I myself am actually starting to believe...
I am tired of waiting and wondering...so don't you may say...well if I don't and just act as if and go about my business...I will be living with a man who's life I am not really a part of..who's life I know little of...
he goes here and there of to this appointment and that appointment...a job here a job there...I don't know what it is he does all day....and never will..h wants to just live his life and keep things private..and doesn't seem to care what I do..or where I go or with whom.
I don't know if I even want to be with him...he sure is showing me that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me...it seems to me that h has come home for the kids and the kids alone..h knows that he has to make an attempt at having a r with me and fix things...but it seems h doesn't know how..and is not very willing to talk about it..or seek the outside help of a c... h has reached the point now where if I try to talk about things h is either defensive or just walks away not talking to me... I am not raising my voice and getting angry I am trying to talk and talk calmly and I find myself asking him to not get angry and yell at me.
I do not have the strength or patience to deal with this man..it seems to me that he is just waiting for me to tell him to leave...each argument (wich should only be a discussion) ends up with some reference to my being better of when he wasn't here...that he'll just pack his bags and go...ya ok and then when you are trying to console me you tell me your here cause you want to be here and that your not going anywhere you know this is hard and you'll take it that you did wrong and have a black mark on your record that you'll have to live with forever...
I am truly tired of this....I wasn't happy before all this happend...I wasn't happy when it happend a year ago...I wasn't happy when he left and I am not happy now. h was content before and is content now....this is not a good marriage and I am not so sure I wouldn't walk out myself if I could. I should not have to put up with this indesision from my h...sure I could find someone out there who is interesting and wants to talk to me and can relate better to me who can be my friend fall in love and live happily ever after with them...but I married this man..had a family with this man and I would never consider leaving for some crush...I am not a teenager and I think all these people off having affairs and thinking they are in love and have found the one that they missed need to grow up and start thinking with the right part of their brains.
I will end up pushing h out the door....h is not strong enough to work on this marriage and his desire to do so is dwindling...he wasn't there for me..had an affair...left me...and now I am supposed to just put it all in the past...just move on and be happy that he has come back...accept the fact that he will make it up to me in his own time frame???? what is this crap???
