note to self STOP LOOKING FOR SOME GRAND GESTURE!!!!
yes reconciling is difficult.... yes the weather and h's schedule are difficult obsticals..but I have been doing a bit of thinking.....
I didn't get a great response from him when I gave him back the ring (left it out for him to choose to put back on or not) and it bothered me...guess maybe a hug or something would have been nice. one thing can lead to soooo many other things being picked at.
LL, wanting all those"things", flowers, cards etc.. are great in a perfect world or marriage. But how many are like that?? Was your h romantic before, my has never been, and yes I would die for some flowers, a gushy card, but he never did it before, I sure ain't going to get it now. I have come to realize, even before all this started that I can't change him, he always showed his love in ways that I missed some of the time.
I know the stress of being at home with young kids, and that now contributes to our problems, we foccused way too much on family, never any time for ourselves, together and apart.I always feel like I have to take care of everything. My h is doing his own laundry, cooking?, paying his bills..taking garbage out..all the things I have done for 24 years..If he does come back there are going to be some changes. Maybe he has felt helpless and left out by it all being done. He does not sound like he's ready to put the ring back on. Do you wear yours? As i had posted in my thread I never even gave it a thought to remove them, and h wears his. Hang in there, it's tough, but you have shown your strength time and time again. Sue
Quote: He does not sound like he's ready to put the ring back on. Do you wear yours?
he never wanted to take it off in the first place...I finally demanded he give it to me back in august...why wear a ring if you want a d and plan to be with someone else???
I took mine of when he told me he was moving out...put the engagement ring back on sometime in july but then took it off when he gave me his ring as he asked what about yours...
no I don't really think h is ready to put the ring back on for what it really means...but he wanted to wear it and it does make me feel a bit better knowing he once again has it on....not that he is seeing ow anymore but if he were it sure would say something to her!!
I will not put mine back on til he asks me too...
as far as the flowers go....h used to send me flowers on occasion just because..even sent them to me at work once when we had gotten back together after a break up (many moons ago) so I know he's got it in him...he's just taking his time....why??? I don't know.. h is taking things slowlee....he is making his way home...he is around more than in the past months...
he helps with the kids more...helps around the house more...is more attentive to me and he is trying...I think he's a bit scared too....he had been quoted as saying to his mother "what if she doesn't like me" (???????)
h will not sweep me off my feet...(his words) sad because it would be soooooo easy....send me some flowers...take me out to a movie or to run around the mall....call me and tell me a joke....tickle me....I mean really is that tough??? I don't think so...and h can do those things...think he's just trying to withdraw from pathetic little ow whom he wanted to do those things with.
it's never as bad as it seems when i let off a rambling vent....they are just my ramblings...but thanx.
Quote: but you have shown your strength time and time again.
you don't know how many times I've heard this...trouble is I don't believe it!! if I were half as strong as people think I am I'd be all set!
LL who is going to go sit in front of the fire with her h who is trying.
I just skimmed over your thread quickly. I can totally relate to your frustration.
My H is probably the slowest person on the planet as far as piecing our marriage goes, I'm still not sure how it's going to turn out.
What I've found that works and I'm sure you know this too, is to count the baby steps, focus on the positive and act as if. If I lose my focus and stop noticing the positives, my PMA plummets. I'm still working on this and find it really challenging.
Even though your H is physically back he still may have personal issues that he has not worked through. This really takes some time.
Yes, like you I'd like some romance or to be wooed or at least have him try to "make it up" to me. It hasn't happened yet. It doesn't fit my pictures at all about how I thought we should reconcile but we are piecing our marriage back together particle by particle. I can't wait to finally (after almost 3 years Dbing and 4+ dealing with MLC) to write to Michele and say another divorce busted. It bothers me that I still can't say that.
I really don't have much to add to all the other posts just wanted you to know that we are in the same boat. I am also a SAHM. Hang in there, things are improving.
Will your H go to counseling or to a weekend of some kind? We went to the Retrouvaille weekend and it does open up communication a lot.
h is trying there are many many baby steps...he is working at his pace just that he has more patience than I do...I have to keep reminding myself to look at the possitives as I point out to so many others when they get frustrated...I just tend to get into rants and negate things not giving people the chance to point them out to me...I am the queen of the BUT (jj pointed that out to me long before h decided to try to come home)
h is not yet ready to go to counceling but does talk to me when I need it...we are learning at taking it one day at a time.
it's hard and I get into a rut sometimes especially with the snow and cold weather....the quick pick me up jonts to the store are not doable with the kiddos when it's as cold as it has been lately....
things are moving along....I just have to keep reminding myself this is reality not some romance novel...
Quote: I just have to keep reminding myself this is reality not some romance novel...
I hear ya on that one!!!!
I'm a romantic and it is tough to reconcile with someone who doesn't seem to be motivated to be romantic. Though my H never really was so I can't really expect him to be now, can I?
Yes, counseling is a big step.
Would he be ready to go to a weekend for healing and better communication skills? That's how I presented the Retrouvaille weekend to my H.
I know those "buts" can really get in the way of the PMA. I've got them too.
I am a sahm...and I didn't even know it!! in a silly mood...
realizing that I've been a bit down lately for many reasons that do not have anything to do with h... being at home though a blessing and a privilage has its down side. since h has come back (or actually in the months prior when I started to detach) I've put on some weight...probably not such a bad thing as people were starting to worry about me...I lost alot fast and was starting to look like a bone rack not good..but I liked it. time to start exersizing if I'm gonna hang with h and have chinese food at night I gotta stay fit..for me!!
I am going out with one of my girlfriends tonight!!! getting dressed nice, no real plans yet we'll just go with the flow of the evening..I always have fun with her...
talked with h last night...I was soooo depressed with myself yesterday... h is not going anywhere...here is where he wants to be...he could not be with ow because he wanted to be here and that is why he has come back...not a big fear that I had.
just wanted to put down some happy thoughts and let you all know I'm doing ok... kids running a muck today...we're heading out to the store for a break..
tommorow we'll all go as a family and get the tree!!!! LL
LL - sounds like you have the potential of having a great weekend! Clubbing with a friend of yours tonight, going tree shopping as a family tomorrow! Happy to see that your PMA is climbing back up there...
And the idea for regular exercise is a great one as well! Going to the gym helps my attitude quite a bit - also it's nice when others notice the change...
LL, have a great, carefree night and a wonderful time with family this weekend. It is always a pick me up just to come here and post.As long as you can recognize that you're down and be able to keep moving forward is a big step...for all of us! See ya Sue
I don't know what I am supposed to do.... I just got the phone bill and saw a call to ow's house at 9:15 on nov 7 so I look at the calendar...a thurs night...look back over my threads to see what I was doing that night if it was me that called her or something and discover that I was out with my friends that night....
the last call that I found h made to her was on a mon night at the end of oct...supposedly to tell her they wouldn't be talking anymore...so why this thurs night call and why an hour long...
so you can bet I called h to confront him...gee I don't know why would I be so stupid to call her from there if it was something to hide...it was over a month ago...I'm sure it was to talk about not contacting eachother...I don't know what to think or feel...h gets so angry at me for getting upset...keeps throwing this damn board in my face..says it's the reason I get so upset...what am I dumb I can't think for myself...h was not very comforting...won't go to counceling..wont tell me about this woman and their r...what it was...what she was...what things he is missing from me that he got from her....
he is not ready...
thinks he has told me the whats and whys but honestly all I've gotten is that he was never in love with me...loves me...and the kids...fell in love with her....never knew it could be that way...but because he loves me and the kids can't be with her....the best he can say to argue that point is I'm home aren't I?? so what he was home while he was seeing her too..
I am sorry that I feel and that I want a feeling marriage..I am sorry that I am scared for my children that this will not change...I am sorry that I am hurt...I am sorry that I get upset...I am sorry for the whole mess...
I suppose I have to just be sorry to myself and give h the happy act and suck it up...is it fair...no way!!!
LL who will still go out tonight with her friend and have a good time even though her h is now pissed and didn't want to come up here tonight (told him he had to come watch the kids) ll who may still be going to get a tree tommorow as h has a habit of just acting "as if" h is a much better dbr than I could dream to be and he never read the books.
ll who just wants to put all this behind her but doesn't really know how.
