I'm hoping that your post was a way for you to purge your anger. It gets so frustrating doesn't it? The alien I live with is sending all kinds of mixed messages again. Can't figure it out. Can't wait for him to leave. Go figure.
I hope that tomorrow will be a better day for you.
thanks dotty, yes I am just venting my anger and stopping by to add more...h worked and worked and put all his attention to work and despite the fact that I kept telling him there was more to life than that he didn't see it til one day he started talking to ow and "saw that there was something else" wtf...make sense dumb ass...you tell me once that you spent time with her before we were married and questioned your feelings for her...and for me...marry me..nothing changes with me (duh! you keep working and spending little time with me doing anything fun) and then the dumb ass that you are...start hangin out with her more and more and more and more and more till you reach a point where you don't want to be in your home with your kids anymore...who are you and why the hell did I marry you... you say you have no complaints about me...tell everyone what a great wife and mother I am..how well I take care of you...how "awesome" I am...yet it seems that I am the one having to win you back??? buddy you screwed up and majorly...you were a crappy bf...a half assed h...you have an affair...lie about it (the continuing to see her after disclosure) leave me, tell me you want a d...then you decide to come home and it's all your way (yes I've gotten some of the things I asked for but really am I asking for much?) you should be kissing my ass and not just in a sexual way wich btw you seem to be enjoying bet that's why you want to come by tonight?? to make up for your falling off last night?? sorry I'm just too tired and not in the mood go take a shower and beat off like you supposedly used to do when you were deneying me physical gratification!! me go out of my way and bite my tounge to keep you???? buddy you should be walking on eggshells round me..on your best behaviour...and I don't think your doing that at all...think your living pretty large right now. LL
i have to be careful about what i want to say because it would not be helpful but i can't help it because i have been soooooo angry at my h too...the arrogance and selfishness is staggering at times. almost unbelievable. but there have been times when i have been so negative and you have lifted my spirits by telling me to focus on what i have and the positives. it has taken h about 4 yrs to get his head on straight. and you are so much stronger and have so much more spirit than i did. i was a perfect doormat. you will definetly be ok no matter what. it is in your hands. if your h is anything like mine, he isn't acting these ways to hurt or anger you. his thinking is self-centered but this could be changing. it takes time and it is up to you wether you will wait or not. i looked at it like i have a baby and can't afford a divorce emotionally or financially and all that entails so i decided to try and act as if and unconditional love. plus i still loved him. but i talked in therapy about making alternate plans should h not be the man i needed him to be. it took me years to get to a place where i felt i had a choice. i thought i would die without him. i really admire your strength and spirit. you have every right to be angry and express it here. i hear we are in for more snow tonight! hopefully not where you are too much and your h won't have to work. sorry if i rambled, not feeling well-- take care,lisa
LL, I do not know how to respond to your post..I am so sorrry for the feelings you are having right now.It takes such strength to get to where you have gotten, but it is not easy, and all these feelings seem to be coming back to you. What are the answers?? You will figure them out, I sensed such joy in your r lately.Keep foccusing on what is important to you. Sue
Hello LL - wow you have a lot of anger about your H's lack of attention to your needs! And no surprise.
But how is he to know these things trouble you, unless you find the way to tell him? when you put yourself in his shoes (& I bet you do) you see him working hard to physically provide for his family. That's great, but he needs to also allow for other needs too, otherwise it doesnt take a crystal ball to see there are going to be mighty fireworks one day soon!
Ive read your thread, but cant pick up whether you are in MC, but I am guessing not. Seems to me it would be a very good idea for you to sit down and think CLEARLY about what you need. Then, when you are feeling clear and strong, ask for talk-time. It can be done, without blame and stuff.
Your need for time/space doesnt have to mean his freedom curtailed - its a matter of priorities for you both. If you both need to go out in the evening, its babysitters - & you need to agree how you manage who takes responsibility for arrangements.
You know all this, LL, somewhere. In your desire to carefully DB and not dump on him, sounds as if you are getting nervous of expressing YOUR needs. The two are not exclusive - but part of same solution-based approach to our Ms.
And - oh, this wont help I know - but speaking as a 51 year old whose 'babies' are now 23, 21 & 19 - believe me, those years at home with them are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO precious - and SO short! I cant wait for my beloved babies to start having babies of their own, so I can play with them!!
Quote: And - oh, this wont help I know - but speaking as a 51 year old whose 'babies' are now 23, 21 & 19 - believe me, those years at home with them are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO precious - and SO short! I cant wait for my beloved babies to start having babies of their own, so I can play with them!!
I know how very lucky I am to be able to enjoy this time that I have with my children, I am fortunate enough to be able to not have to work so that I can be the one to enjoy all the presious moments with them.
I am trying to deal with h's work and it being a bizare sched makes it difficult at times.
h is still trying, but at times his work does get in the way and that he can't always help. h is busy and in being busy has alot of interation with other adults..his cell phone is full of calls incomming and outgoing...h has a family and a life... my phone barely rings...it is my mom or him..and on occasion one of my friends..I am lonely at home and I suppose I take that out on h (in my mind as I know it is not his fault)
there are simply little things that get to me....1. his lack of a deal over his ring being returned to him. 2. his lack of romancing me (hey were's the flowers and cards) 3. his freedom to come and go. 4. his lack of creativity in getting me out of the house (get a sitter and take me to the movies or something)
things are not as bad as I let them get, h is not perfect but neither am I.
Hey LL, I see you've been venting again. Good that you're doing it here. Just hang in there and be patient for a bit longer.
Hey - I just wanted to comment that it's easier to read your longer posts when you break them up into small paragraphs like you did on the last one. That keeps it from all running together and making my eyes cross. Good technique.
I can ask, and he knows that I need my time too...he is pretty good about tending to the kids now when he is home in the evening...most of the time...which is a major 180 for him as I used to do it all he would have to do is come up and give son a kiss goodnight. thing is with the weather and miscelaneous appointments his schedule is varied...and then there are things that are not in his control...like this past mon I was supposed to go out with another at home mom from up here but she forgot and had to go to some scrapbooking thing...i have plans again with her this evening but she rambled to my answering machine something about having to see what time her h would be getting in as he is busy with year end projects..(guess I'm not alone in the being dependant on h so I can go have a life) so perhaps she will be available...perhaps not..over the summer during separation I went out at times alone...and didn't mind (was the best way to see a movie actually) it's just cold and dark now so I don't like it much. h has no problem with me going out and doing my own thing...before all this if I so much as wanted to get out to the store, I'd have to (or it would be requested of me and I'd give in) put son to bed first.. now if I want to go...I can walk out the door as soon as h enters...I just haven't been doing so much lately.
I still have my book club, but that is only once a month...I am trying to start something in more of a ladies night...with the mom who can't seem to get her act together (tonight will be the fourth attempt to do something with her) and another woman (friends of ours that live in next town over) just to get out...hell I even suggested to my mother (who lives 10 min away now that she moved up here last april) that we should do something once a week even if bowling...(she doesn't do much either so it'd be good for both of us)
I have done what most young mothers do....put my kids and my family first..loosing myself in the process (not such a bad thing cause mostly what I used to do is go out and get drunk with my friends)
the winter is tough...i live in a rural area and honestly there area ton of other at home moms but we all tend to stay in our homes during the winter...the past couple of winters weren't so bad as I got involved with a rotating play group with son..that one sorta fell off (the kids weren't really his age anyway, and the moms weren't my age either they were on their last child) and then I hooked up with a couple of other moms over the summer...that worked well for a while...but then the winter comes and it's pre-school and all that stuff...my son will go next year..I just wasn't sure about sending him this year as he wasn't potty trained and let's face it I was dealing with a lot..new baby, h affair, h moving out, h asking for d etc..
as far as asking for what I want...you can only ask so many times....I want flowers and a card telling me how much he loves me and how much this family means to him. I want to be taken out for a nice dinner somewhere....I want to have a picnic in front of the fireplace...
these things I have asked for...sometimes ya just can't ask ya just have to take what ya get even if it's a little.
