Afterall....This IS my Life III

[fearless]

Heather,

I have not posted for awhile because I did not want to throw any more thoughts at you especially since my thoughts are a little different (though not dramatically) from many others. I was also concerned with the speed at which things were progressing. My concern was about the stability of the situation; not that changing quickly is necessarily a bad thing.

While I have not read your thread consistently over the past 2 years, I have been there since the beginning. I understand that your decision to file was a difficult decision based upon 2 years of hard work. Granted your work and actions may not always been the best DBing possible however I think you were committed to changing yourself and the marriage. I also believe that your decision, right or wrong, to initiate the separation was made with careful consideration and not by blaming your H.

One of my concerns is the discussion of your commitment to the marriage. There are two separate issues in my mind and I am confused about the second. The first issue is how your H now believes that you were never fully committed to the marriage. This may or may not have always been the case but due to the past events that is how he feels right now. Validating that feeling is good because you are recognizing his POV. It also means you can evaluate your actions and how H sees them. The second issue I am confused about - Is it true that you have ALWAYS had one foot out the door? This is NOT about arguing with your H. I repeat - This is not a discussion to have with your H. This is about YOU and being sure of yourself and your past actions. Your actions may have definitely sent a message - intended or not - but I am curious about what you really felt. From my POV with reading your thread over the past 2 years I have felt that you were a woman committed to your marriage. The main reason I feel like this knowledge is important to you is that it could prevent you from over apologizing which I feel is something you have done recently.

I may be overly sensitive but this is an issue that I have almost conquered over the past few years - over apologizing and accepting too much blame. If you are not prone to over apologizing, this paragraph probably will not make sense. If you are prone to this issue, please look up more information because I hardly do the topic justice. Anyway...I used to say "I am sorry" so many times that it was sickening to me and probably others. I thought I was taking responsibility, accepting my faults, recognizing my imperfections, comforting others, etc. Then I realized that I was just creating even more miscommunication and creating an unhealthy dynamic for me. I was using it too often and inappropriately which was bad for me AND others. If I did not truly mean that I was sorry about doing x,y, or z, then it would happen again and my sorryness looked fake. Or I may over apologize and then feel resentful that xH "let" me apologize for something that was not really my fault. (OF course it was not his fault that I over apologized) Or if I apologized for things that were not in my control, then I also looked fake and insincere OR by accepting responsibility for something out of my control I created a sense that I had done something wrong.(i.e. apologizing for the weather, for others mistakes, for expressing a need, etc.) Also xH sometimes felt that I sometimes used apologies to effectively end arguments. I have made sure that when I use the words I am sorry I am absolutely convinced that I did something wrong and that I am not going to do it again. I clearly state "I am sorry that I..." in other words "I did something wrong and I'm accepting my culpability," Dr. Tannen, professor of linguistics at Georgetown University

I bring over apologizing up because I think it contributes to your interactions and communication with your H. Again I might be wrong, it just appears that this might be part of your dynamic - as in apologizing for buying a coat your H did not like, etc. This is within your control to change. It may upset the dynamic for awhile because your H may be used to that aspect of you. After all he felt comfortable "over punishing" you for the coat

At the same time it is critical to not swing too far the other way and become defiant and challenging. I think that many people on the boards pick up on that vibe from you and they think that you are being combative and intolerant. The aspect I think they are missing is that you were/are at the other extreme of supplicating and giving in constantly. Neither is healthy. Yet the middle road is a difficult place to stay. This to me is where your most difficult work starts. (This work is useful for you regardless of what happens with the marriage)

If you can be true to yourself over the next few months while allowing yourself to listen and validate your H's feelings, I think there is a true chance for things to work out well for both of you. Your H proved that one of your biggest doubts about him was wrong - he is able and willing to communicate. While I appreciated and was pleased with his communication, I am in the minority in that I did not see it as him making any statement about the marriage other than communicating his wants and feelings. A big step for sure but not one that really changes your marriage yet. HOWEVER that being said, I think that just the fact that he was willing to write those e-mail is all you needed to slow down and take a serious look at the possibility of getting your relationship back on track.

My opinion is that you should take your time in communication so that you do not send any mixed signals. Your H seems to look for ways to control you at least unconsciously. He wrote that you were never committed to the marriage and you wrote back apologizing for never being fully committed to the marriage. And right there he is back in control. To me, if you had said, "I am sorry that you never felt I was committed to the marriage because I always have been committed even if my actions did not show it to you. Although you may see this separation as the beginning of the end, I have thought of it as the ending of our beginning and the beginning of our future", that would have been more authentic and been more accurate communication. The difference may be slight but with your dynamic this would have been the balance between totally giving in to him versus not giving an inch. However this paragraph was based upon my presumption that you actually have been committed to the marriage even if your actions did not state them to your H. To me, it seems that if you were not really committed to your H and marriage, you would have been gone a long time ago.

A question: the whole truck financing thing - do you all have separate finances so that it would be "your" financial loss instead of both of yours? Side note: Is this more common than I have realized - keeping finances separated? If it is, why and does it really work? I was surprised to find out friends of mine (the couple that recently divorced) did this and the wife was required to fund her own hobbies with HER money (which was less) while the H could fund his hobbies with HIS and they equally contributed to their combined bills. I truly do not see how that creates a healthy togetherness. My xH and I completely shared finances from the time we both started working; about a year before we married. I made more money for the first couple of years and watched my xH spend more money on clothes and on his leased new car versus my clothes and 10 year old car. HOWEVER it was about being a team and his clothes were necessary for his career (although the car was a waste of money that was later replaced by a 10+ year old used car). We were not perfect with money but that shared responsibility for finances definitely did not hurt our marriage. I always used to tell xH that if I did become a SAHM, he better never make a comment about HIS money!!