Life of Job

[ford]

Heyya 81

I know what you mean, when it rains, it pours.

81, you're the only load bearing wall left standing in your family. you've got soo much on your plate.

I'm confident that you will continue to be the man that you're and that everyone knows and loves. it's your strength that will make the difference for all involved.

This is a test, and you'll come through with flying colors.

[whatisis]

8, they tell me that God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle but sometimes you have to wonder "do I have to handle it all at once!". Over Christmas my Dad was the sickest I've ever seen him (still not well)and then my brother (whose M is hanging be a thread) lost his job, and not too long before that sister left her H (rightfully so!)and next a long time friend passed away from cancer and through it all I was still sitting here in my "love nest"! It sure felt overwhelming at times. Just remember you can only do what you can do, that's all anyone can ask. Be there for your kids and take care of YOU! Those are the priorities right now. We can all handle whatever comes our way in just one day, it's when we start looking at the days to come and the ones that have passed that it all becomes too friggin much! Stay focused on today. Take care, 8!!!

[81388*]

I worry sometimes that everything else suffers at the expense of the all consuming battle of saving a marriage. I think that is what everybody means by having to be done before you can make any progress.

I can see how I am not accomplishing what I need to. I am not the father I want to be, I am not as productive as I need to be at work, and I am obviously not the husband I would like to be.

I can feel how drained I am by the end of the day. I still wake up at 3-3:30, try to go back to sleep until 5-5:30 get up and get on with it. Ambien helped me fall asleep, but I didn't stay asleep.

After loosing 30 pounds, I have gained only 3 back, but not for lack of eating. I know I have to do things differently because this is killing me, it is eating away at me from the inside out. The 30 pounds was scary because I am 6'3" and used to weigh 198.

I need to get to a better place, but at the same time I don't want to turn loose of my wife. It is like the emotion is the only tie I have left to her.

[81388*]

Update,
Wife worked late tonight, got home while I was on the phone with SIL,(BIL is doing well, docs say oral chemo only to start and monitor with MRI every 3-4 months) I of course finished my convo, said I loved them and was thinking about them and did she want to talk to W? I then finished getting Ds to bed and went to bed while W was still on the phone. About 30 min later, W comes in the bedroom and jumps my sh!t about something I hadn't told her about, YET! I said I was going to tell her, but hadn't realized she was off the phone.

It didn't get ugly, but I ended up back out in the living room, dealing with the issue at hand, and looked at her and said "I am not the person you keep trying to make me out to be, I havn't changed. Of course I was going to tell you, and yes I am worried about it, but this is not an isolated incident. You have tried to make me out to be this person that is keeping things from you and doing things to spite you, when in fact I have done nothing but be supportive and concerned about YOU! and I really don't appreciate it."

She backed up and said how she misunderstood what I was saying, I said we have had a really hard time communicating and I could see how that was bothering her, but reiterated that I was not this evil person she was trying to paint a picture of, and never would be.

We have bad weather coming through tonight, so we sat and watched the news for awhile, then I got up and said I guess I will just wait to "hear the train, goodnight"(tornados, for those of you who don't live in the midwest) and left it at that.

This is really starting to piss me off! She has known me for 26 years, I have never been the type of person to do something out of spite, or pettiness. I realize it is her way of coping with the situation, but WTH!, stop and think about it for a min.

She wouldn't even look at me as I was telling her all of this. I hope against all odds that this can work out, but sometimes I wonder.

[theoden]

8,

Her moving out may be the space you really need to GAL.

You have no choice: she's moving out.

Use that to your adavantage. The space might be necessary for you to really get a life. It seems the constant stress of her poor treatment of you is too much for you to take a breather.

Part of a MLC profile is the tendency of the person to re-write the marriage history. She's a space alien, dude.

It's far from over.

I like your plan to go kick-boxing.

I think you need what I need: to regain your manhood.


She will only be atrracted to a strong, confident man.

Fuck it, be a strong confident man regardless of what she does or does not respond to.

Read:

The Way of a Superior Man

Wild at Heart

--Theoden

[81388*]

TO;
Thanks, I will add those to my list.

I agree, she will only be attracted to a strong, confident man.

That is what I will work towards regardless of what she wants or does.

I guess the rewriting the marriage is not such a stretch when you examine their current behavior. She is so willing to overlook good things and manufacture bad things as a way to justify the choices she is making.

I will continue to be supportive and validate her feelings, but at some point don't you just have to call her bullsh!t what it is? I know arguing with her will get me nowhere that I want to be, but I think you can validate and defend yourself. "I am sorry that you feel that way. What would help?, because nothing could be further from the truth."

[ford]

TO;
Thanks, I will add those to my list.

I agree, she will only be attracted to a strong, confident man.

That is what I will work towards regardless of what she wants or does.

I guess the rewriting the marriage is not such a stretch when you examine their current behavior. She is so willing to overlook good things and manufacture bad things as a way to justify the choices she is making.

I will continue to be supportive and validate her feelings, but at some point don't you just have to call her bullsh!t what it is? I know arguing with her will get me nowhere that I want to be, but I think you can validate and defend yourself. "I am sorry that you feel that way. What would help?, because nothing could be further from the truth."

the strong, confident man comes with GAL. when you stop riding her roller coaster , the strut will return. I know it's easier said then done, But the more you do it, the easier it gets.

I would listen to everything my wife had to say, I would validate her feelings. but when she would rewrite history, I would end the conversation right there. man that would piss her off, at first, she'd stomp out and give the the even colder shoulder. I told her I'm happy to listen to your feelings and thoughts, but when you change history, you're lying, and I don't do lies. it's a boundary I had to set. it's a risk when you do this, it can blow them right out the door. but to me it was hard enough to go through what she did without listening and trying to defend bullshit. it took a couple weeks of her being furious at me, but she learned the only way to talk to me is with honesty.

what made it hard at first was she had this "friend" who pumped her full of crap, and over time it started to take hold. I told her to be honest with herself and separate what her friend said with what really happened. took awhile, but she finally saw her friend was full of shit. (her friend is in a bad marriage and wanted a roommate when she left him. (she never did leave him, she just keeps cheating on him)

anyway, I use this approach with my kids, co-workers, everyone. if I smell BS, I walk away.

Don't know if this helps at all, 81. but it worked for me.

take care of yourself. seriously.

[theoden]

8,

I'm struggling to with the delicate balance between being honest, being humble, and having boundaries.

The re-writing of the history sounds like this: You always did this, you never did that, etc. Grand exaggerations.

And I know, sometimes, it feels like DB is a alot of psycho-babble. Validate, don't judge, listen, don't fix, attract rather than coerce, invite rather than indict.

Whatever happened to right and wrong? Commitments? Promises?
Hope? Faith? Love? Grace? Forgiveness?

Let me vent: Sometimes it sounds like I'm supposed to transform myself into someone interesting enough to attract my wife and keep her needs satisfied. Until when? Until she fucking finds someone else to meet her new "felt needs".

Welcome to the 21st century, gentlemen.

I need to ride my steed, draw my sword and go find me some goblins to kill.

Just venting.

-Theoden

[jamespb75]

LOL, Oh you always can make me laugh. Hey if your going to fight I would like to come.

I feel like that today, but I found out that I did tell my W that I couldn't change the past when she told me how I was not doing the things she was pissed about in the past. I just changed them and I think when I moved back in, things are clean, the laundry is done, and I compliment her all the time. She doesn't have anything left to bitch at me about. She is frustrated a little because I have changed. Now she is trying to find a reason to get pissed at me so then her reason for a D is more valid. The OM is the only thing left, and That is something she needs to decide herself.

So, keep up the changes and GAL. It has helped my sitch, and we get along great.

?- does anyones feet hurt from walking on eggshells all the time. Man does it feel like crap.

[81388*]

Ford;
Yes very helpful. I have always been that way with the kids, never needed to be that way with my wife until now. Even last night it worked, she backed off as soon as I said "I am not the person you are making me out to be."

It is a boundry, and I am enforcing it with no expectation good or bad.

Theoden;
Vent away my warrior/poet friend. You have had to deal with your fair share of my rambling and ranting. It is unfortunate that I must admit DB seems to work/help, because it would feel really good to just lay it all out there, call a spade a spade, then mount my steed, draw my sword, storm the dark castle and behead the OM.(I threw that all in for your benefit TO)

I know what I want, now back to the business of getting it.