Things between H and I are definitely improving so while I don't post much about our day to day activities I still spend time on this board trying to give back to others what was given to me.
I took this from Sol's thread in Infidelity as it really hit home for me. I hope others can also benefit from this.
Quote:
Originally Posted By: 12102006 Sol
You may think that you are detaching, at least trying to do that, however, if you really were detached from her...you would not have "felt like crap" this morning when she didn't respond to you. Look at it this way: Did you ask her something specific this morning? No, you told her you were leaving for work. That was a statement...not a question that required a response. So, because you didn't receive any response, you then, became a little down...why?...because, you were "expecting" her to reply.
Sol, this type of behavior is going to cost you mega-bucks in therapy...wish I was on that end. Do you see how you work... you subconsciously set yourself up for failure and disappointment in your processes. She's a friend, a roommate...remember? She saw that you were leaving...you didn't have to announce it to her this morning. Tomorrow, just say to her "Have a great day! I'll see you later" or "Bye, see you later". Then leave out the door without any depression or expectations.
You seem to want to control the outcome of this relationship. It cannot be done. There are two individuals in your marriage, with different viewpoints. In the beginning, I would surmise that you "led" the relationship. Now - years later, one daughter that you both created, your wife is done with the child-bearing times and wants her own individuality. BUT - there's Sol, still in the control booth of the marriage, running the show, to his wants and needs...dear wife, well, she should just follow along. It doesn't work that way - her job, whatever it may be, is her one touch to reality - the reality of feeling in control, needed, helpful, important - she's not an extension of any other soul.
She comes home, her husband wants quality talk, reassurance of his beliefs - then comes the bedroom, where he wants to ML at least two, three or four times a week...because He needs it. She, came out of an affair, possibly hurt because the OM ended it. She's confused, not knowing what SHE wants. She knows she had the affair because she wasn't happy at home - she felt too controlled by her husband - now, he wants her to be remorseful, telling him she's sorry for the affair, to reassure him that he is everything she wants in her life, that she regrets ever to have had the affair...yada, yada, yada...
Sounds a little close to the story? SHE may never tell you any- thing at all...or at least for a long time. You see, things still are not that great at home. She tries, but there is just something about her husband that seems wrong. He's seems to be very domineering, treating her like a child, not like an adult who needs to think her life through. He keeps questioning her about the affair, he wants answers, that she feels she cannot or will not answer. The pressure is enormous and if he doesn't stop...there will be a divorce. Her responses to him are vile, crude and hateful...she picks on him because she is trying to regain her own identity. Unfortunately, her husband feels like he owns her soul, from marriage...now, inorder for him to try and correct the unhealthy relationship, he must let her go by doing what she needs to do. But, the husband (Sol) feels that by letting go, he must cut off his arms and legs...he's very unsure if he wants to do that. How can he? He's married to her, he put her on a pedastil, only she existed, no one else. She was his universe, his reason for living, breathing, surviving... how can he let her go?
BECAUSE, if he doesn't let go, like a little child, he will more than likely crush the little bird in his hands...he will have loved it, to death. Moral...let it breathe, give it space, be kind, loving, and remember...it let you catch it...not to ever be caged, for life...if you want her back, give her the respect of an individual with a brain, just like you.
Yes, it can be saved, but beware...you are suffocating her...... still.
