Thanks for chiming in. OK I think there's something coming clear here. I really think I need to put more effort, and prayer, into becoming a kinder gentler parent. Those are skills I just don't have, I was'nt raised that way, quite the opposite unfortunately. W definately looks up to me for many of my skills and my good attitude, and the way I treat her, but if I'm strong, mature, loving, fun, etc. in all aspects of life, but angry, impatient, short tempered in my parenting of the kid's that offsets the good stuff and there's no progress. Could that be what's holding us back from moving to the next level, or causing a backward slide?
I loath helping the kid's with homework. It drives me nuts, no patience. Plus the fact that I could'nt pass 6th grade math if my life depended on it. I avoid homework like the plague; therefore, the total burden is on HER!! Not only that, but I usually chime in a few choice critical comments from behind the sink or wherever I happen to be hiding at the moment and I can tell it does'nt help it just increases the stress level. Couple that with my rude and angry responses when the kid's interrupt our convo's and she's gotta be prayin for help. She's been jumping on me lately about it, and rightly so. I've backed down every time but the point is she should'nt have to jump me. I just should'nt be acting that way, it's just not loving or kind....."love is patient, love is kind".
OMG, I've gotta take this deal down. Just call me Annie Sullivan I'm commin home with greatness. I'm gonna pray my heart out before I come home tonight. Ask the Lord for the strength and courage to resist anger, and frustration; and ask for the peace of Christ in my heart when I sit and help the kid's with homework. I can just pass on the math, but I'm great with everything else. I've just got to do it as Christ would do it.
I'll read the "For Men Only" by Feldhahn too. Thanks Sven and the rest of you! There's a fire in me that just won't quit. I want to be the best H and F that I can be, and God willing, the best lover too. I'll keep you posted.
God Bless,
COG
PS Just when we think we've arrived, a new journey begins.
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
W definately looks up to me for many of my skills and my good attitude, and the way I treat her, but if I'm strong, mature, loving, fun, etc. in all aspects of life, but angry, impatient, short tempered in my parenting of the kid's that offsets the good stuff and there's no progress. Could that be what's holding us back from moving to the next level, or causing a backward slide?
Well. I'll tell you that one of the 'attraction' buttons is when W sees you as a strong, caring father.
I hear you Frank and JustMe. I'm fired up alright. Just reading Making Her Happy, and read the part about Kid's Can Be The Deal Breaker. Basically says that if you have fun and love the kid's you have fun and love your W. But if you're abusive to the kid's then it can be WORSE for the attraction than being abusive to your W. Now I've not raised my voice towards my W in a VERY long time. But it's a regular thing with the kid's, I mean an every day thing and several times a day at that. I have fun with them, I'm gentle with them, I'm connected and interested in their lives, but when they mess up, I'm on them like a lion. They don't usually take it personally, sometimes even laugh at me when I'm fuming. It just seems they don't respond to me unless I'm yelling at them. W yells too sometimes, but I can tell that MY yelling is NOT attractive to her at all. It's like farting in bed or something.
It's a 180 just waiting to happen. I think I've been in denial about it long enough. It's time for COG to step up and create a better way, tonight, right now! No more yelling and screaming at the kid's. I'm gonna try some new approaches and see what works best. I can visualize myself sitting at the table, sleeves rolled up, gently and peacefully helping with homework, and W watching from the kitchen with warmth in her heart for the man who loves her kids. Or my smiling and endulging them as they join our conversations.......well I'm not sure about that one. It'll take awhile to get there, one baby step at a time, but get there I will!!! Not perfect mind you, just good enough to be outstanding.
How did I end up with so much baggage and how long will it take to grow up???
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
I'll agree, you've crested a hill a bit here COG - keep on rollin'
I don't intend to give you a whole bunch of reading materials - it is just stuff I've poured over through this whole process as sometimes I totally share your homework frustration. I just got the standardized test results back for my two older ones and they did phenomenally well - however you'd never expect it based on their study habits. Goes to prove they are smart kids, its just that you have to find the right way of "coaching".
Anyway, a good one (and available on CD so you can listen in the car) is "How to talk so you kids will listen and How to listen so your kids will talk". Great way of paradigm shifting your skills with your kids.
You're turning a big ol' corner COG - keep it up!
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Well it's very interesting. I went home last night with the knowledge of what I need to do and it was suprisingly easy. Just being concious of my lack of patience and rudeness to the kid's is enough to motivate change. There were a few occasions when I could have raised my voice, and I actually did it once, but caught myself quickly and shut it down. I tried using a low voice, and was more assertive with them. It worked just fine. At one point my D9 interrupted our convo, which under normal circumstances I would have jumped her for, but I just grinned and let her talk. Funny thing is that W jumped her for interrupting, heh heh, better her than me. Anyway, it's a work in progress, a change that I know I need to make.
As for W, she's a rock. I did play a little game with her last night though. I got into bed and snuggled over next to her. I only laid there a minute or so and then said "OK that's it, I don't want you getting too excited" and I moved back to my side of the bed. She had a nice little chuckle, and I had a smile too because I'm playin to WIN!
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
I am so happy to hear your effort and what you said to her last nite that is adorable. I for one like when my H teases me. And yes being nice to the kids is a turn on in my book too it just makes me feel good that he is happy. When he goes with me to the grocery store ( something he rarely does ~)ooooooh now that even makes me melt. Just my 2 cents honey.
~BTW ~You sound like you are doing great. I am so happy for the blessings you have . Have a GREAT day. God bless....
Regarding the kids. Prayer helps a lot. "Courting" them and loving them for who they are helps, too.
Here's somethign that helps me: when I yell, blow my stack, or go over the line, I ask for their forgiveness. I tell them I over-reacted and apologize. Try that -- it's sexy, too.
Or when they interrupt...try a hug and a kiss and shoo away.
Reading fun stories to them is cool too. I'm reading my 7 year old the Hobbit, by Tolkien.
I am so happy to hear your effort and what you said to her last nite that is adorable. 