I know EVERYONE here is urging me to cut off contact with the OM. I just CAN'T do that right now...I understand ALL of the reasons why I should, but I can't bear to lose the friendship. I just think it is so unfair that I am supposed to lose someone who has meant SO MUCH to me, who I can EFFORTLESSLY connect with, a person who doesn't even have to TRY and just makes me HAPPY with a simple conversation? I am supposed to give that up for someone who I have struggled with for over 20 years!
It sounds like my wife. Her relationship with OM is effortless. He really sees her, he pushes ALL her buttons. And I'm trying sooooo....hard to meet some of those needs that he effortlessly is able to with her. But she's shutting me out. The OM is running rings arouns me without even trying. What have I done to change? I've apologized for my neglect. I've forgiven her for her EA. I've asked several male friends to hold me accountable to change. I've called old friends and done some soul-searching about my character flaws. I've been seeing a therapist to deal with my issues. I've started excercizing, I've been taking up hobbies, I'm "getting a life." I'm learning to be non-judgemental, I'm trying to humble myself. I'm taking my wife on regular date nights. I compliment her, I tell her she's hot and beautiful, I'm fighting off depression, I'm positive and exciting. I'm the one divorce busting. And you know what? She's not too interested.
So what you said about effortlessness really cut me to the heart.
So let me ask you a question. Why are you on this forum? Perhaps a glimmer of hope? Validation of your feelings? Permission to leave your husband.
Here's my deep thought. Telling him about the affair and the OM is really necessary. Why? It makes you lose control a bit. It makes you really vulnerable. It shows your shit. It removes your martyr status. Sounds like you like control. You want to end the marriage on YOUR TERMS, in YOUR TIME FRAME, with as little personal pain and fallout. That sounds like, in some way, you can't stand being vulnerable and honest and open, and yes *intimate* with your husband. Revealing your affair would suddenly put both of you on level ground. It gives him the option to end the marriage on his terms. It gives him some emotional leverage. And you don't want that.
Do you really want intimacy with someone? Intimacy means being, open, honest and vulnerable. You are refusing to be so with your husband. Your waiting for him to step up to the plate while you can be safe behind the deception. I think your affair and deception is the moral equivalent of your husband's non-responsiveness. I'm painting you both as culpable in the marriage. Neither of you has the moral high ground. You both fear REAL intimacy. You are not really opening up to him. Hiding the affair seems to be the bottleneck.
I'm also guessing that since you are not really telling the OM about your marriage problems, you are avoiding brutal honesty with him, too. You haven't told him you are in love with him and you haven't told him your marriage is in trouble. Why? Because that would make you too vulnerable. That might make him want to back off. You might lose control.
Yes? No? Am I on target.
I also think your husband might need some accountability for change. He may be despressed. He may suffer from low self-esteem. Perhaps he needs to go to therapy, maybe a marriage counselor for you both. It seems like he needs to get a life.
Want to make the marriage work? No guarantees, but try this:
1. Tell him about the affair.
2. Tell him you want it to work, but are seriously considering leaving him.
3. Tell him if he wants to keep you, he needs to deal with some of his issues. Suggest a therapist, perhaps marriage counseling.
4. If you have any church/spiritual connctions, I suggest speaking to a minister about your issues together.
