Thanks for all of your responses...as you can see this is a complex situation. What you do not know is that I'm 41 and have been with my H since I was 16. He was really the only lover I ever had till I met the OM. He is 5 years older than me so I was the young HS girl dating the big man on campus. We've been married 20 years and have 3 children and a huge family/friend network. It makes it all the more difficult. I think I would have left 5 years ago if there weren't so many other people to hurt.
I think you are right that (1) I am in love with the OM and (2) I am very hardened inside against my H. Our problems started before we were even married and I have had doubts throughout our entire marriage because there really was never much spark/passion. But I was willing to accept that then because we were creating a life, family, home, etc. - you know the American dream, white picket fence and all that... All throughout I DID talk to him about what I was missing and what I was sad about and how I thought we should work more on making our relationship special. I saw him for YEARS tune me out so I felt irrelevant and unattractive...he never had much conversation for me and probably never once in our marriage said I looked beautiful or sexy or anything. Then we would go to events and he would be blabbing away with everyone else with a sparkle in his eyes, ignoring me, and then we would go home in silence...
I would tell him this hurt me and he would say he would change, and nothing ever happened. The problems got even worse as my career began to surpass his, so I have the upward mobile job with a lot of travel and responsibilities. He has a job where he works from home most of the time. I know this is very hard on him and over the years I have tried to draw out of him discussion about any of his thoughts on anything. His classic response over 20 years is "everything's fine." We probably at least 2 times per year would have the "talk" where I would tell him how hurt I was about certain things and he would say he was going to change. Then I tried a direct approach - for instance, when you are talking to someone and they start reading a magazine right in front of you - I could stop mid sentence and he would never even realize I stopped talking...this sort of thing REALLY HURTS.
I actually went through clinical depression 5 years ago. I went to a counselor and was on medication for depression. That is when I began taking control for myself of my life - and started to do other things for myself - running, exercising, changing the way I dress, reading, etc.... And my husband never ONCE in the entire 18 months even asked me how I was doing and feeling. So this REALLY hurt too...because he really seemed not to care at all. This is when I started really focusing on other people - friends, people I work with, my kids, etc. And basically started giving up totally on my relationship with my H was going no where. I need people who actually converse with me - and I am talking basic communications even, not the in-depth touchy feely stuff a lot of guys are uncomfortable with.
So when I met the OM, that is when I really started to change even more. It made me feel so HAPPY and ALIVE to actually have a guy be nice to me, tell me that I'm special, tell me that I'm hot, and TALK to me. Everything you say about that part of it is true - and I do realize that as long as he is in the picture, even if it is just an EA at this point, makes it harder with my husband....
However, to back up...when my A first started...it didn't really start as an A...it started as a one-night stand that became more and turned into a long-distance A. I truly did not think it would go on this long and did not even think I would ever see him again. So I DID try to change things with my H again...I didn't tell him about the A, but I tried to work on our sex life...we started having sex more often and I tried to change things, work on getting a spark back, make things more exciting, etc....but with sex, my H is not a "sexual" person...so if someone can't even TALK to you openly on daily topics, they certainly are gonna have a tough time physically opening up...so that actually bombed!! He ended up with performance anxiety and had trouble even making it happen, so I gave up on that aspect of the picture.
I also started doing more with my friends, joined a running group, etc. - all platonic stuff. I was very honest with him at this point and told him that since I wasn't getting what I needed out of our marriage, I was starting to turn to other people. There was even a hint in there that I was vulnerable to other men, so this should have been a clue to him...If he cared at all or wanted to work on our marriage at all, he should have really taken this as a huge wake up call. With the OM at this point, we were really just exchanging e-mails occassionally and maybe the phone call once a month, so it was not as if he was a constant presence at this point - I really thought of him as this fantasy memory that had happened and was not expecting it to continue.
With my H, I read the Divorce Busting books right in front of him, read the 5 love languages...highlighted passages...showed him places in the books to read...sent him a letter trying to explain what I was going through, etc. So he KNEW that I was hurting and contemplating why we were together. This was 3 years ago. I told him then that our marriage was a mess, I didn't think I could take it, and that I was seriously considering that we should get divorced. His response was "that's ridiculous, we're not getting divorced." But he never responded to my letter and never read any of the books. We did try doing more together - we took dance classes and went to lunch more and I had a little hope, but it was just activities and not a connection. We started doing much more with the kids - outdoor stuff, lots of activities, etc....so outwardly it all looks great and I think my husband felt like things must be a lot better for me...but there was still no spark. I basically feel like I am with a person whose eyes look dead when they look at me. We do all of these things - that I come up with - and he goes along with, but he never says much about any of it. If I try to engage him, I'll say - so did you like XYZ? He'll say - "yeah, it was fine." and stare out the window. I'll say - "so do you ever want to go to xxx again." He'll say - "sure, if you want to." So I get two-word sentences from him where he can't look me in the eye and then when we're with other people he'll blab on and on about all the stuff we're doing and how great everything is. So that ends up hurting me even more - because I see the life in his eyes with other people but never with me.
So the last time I actually talked to him about any of this was about 2-1/2 years ago - we went away for a weekend together and I laid everything out on the table. I read him word for word parts of books. I gave him specific examples of what I envisioned for our marriage, etc. I asked him..."what do you think I want in our marriage?" - he said - "I know what you want, you want a companion." I said, "NO...we have a DOG." I want someone to interact with and share things with and talk to and laugh with and have real FUN with...someone who I want to BE with because we appreciate each other and support each other and ENGAGE and CONNECT with each other." I told him that I get that from everyone else in my life, but NOT him.
So...anyways...after that weekend, we went back to our life, he never tried at all, nothing ever changed, he never attempted to work on talking to me and I basically have given up. I don't even think if I had told him about the OM, it would have made him want to change. I really think he thinks I am a pain in the ass and too much work and as long as I don't bug him or say anything, he is just not going to do anything. I think he really doesn't NEED any of the same things for himself, so he is fine with a complacent relationship. He basically just wants a simple life with no nagging and complaining where he can be home in peace and not have to try very hard. He really has NO DESIRE for a deeper relationship with me or anyone, so since he really has no need for that, I don't think he sees anything wrong with how things are. It is just too HARD for him...and I really don't think he loves me very much, but he doesn't really want to FEEL love that much.
Anyways, this is a good place to just ramble on about this stuff...while all of this has gone on, I still have the relationship with the OM. By the way, we do NOT talk about our marriages and problems, etc. He doesn't know my marriage is so bad...I don't want to burden him with that. And there is really no future for us - I know that. We just LIKE EACH OTHER...we have FUN in our talks, we laugh, we make each other happy! And if truth be known and I look at the description of what an EA is - I probably have EAs going with a dozen men!! I work in a very male dominated industry and I am surrounded by MANY men who make me laugh, talk to me, compliment me, and connect with me EVERY DAY! I have guys that I have very engaging conversations with all of the time - about work, family, their own dreams for the future, what they want to do when they retire, running, training, vacations, their kids, etc., etc... THOSE other guys (and of course, my girl friends/family, kids, etc.) give me something everyday that I have never gotten from my own husband!
