Paul- Another great post, to which I would like to add - I think that there is a variation on the MLC persona that fits my h and some of the others that I have seen described on these threads.
I know that I did meet my h's needs for a long period in our marriage and that he fully acknowledged this - I recognised him as damaged and needy, fairly soon after we married, but was committed to marriage, and to him, and decided that I wanted to try and make this r work - and as I have said, many of the LBS have attracted these spouses precisely because they are so emotionally strong. [Having said that he was also great fun, and a brilliant husband - that is he functioned well, provided that his emotional rock was in place]. The wise spouse of a needy partner doesn't try and 'fix' the spouse, but tries to encourage them to develop friendships, and other relationships, and to grow. Therapy is good if they can be persuaded, but most of them really don't want to open their can of worms. They are safe and happy with their partner, never mind that they are to some extent emotionally the child in the r.
With some MLCers the instability that plunges them into MLC, and teh sense of their needs not being met by the LBS is triggered by life's events,[ fear of death, being laid off at work, getting older, passed over for a promotion, parent or loved in-law dying, are some obvious triggers] and they become dissatisfied with their life BUT because their spouse HAS provided for all their emotional needs up until now, and now they are unhappy, it must be because of a deficiency in the spouse - Right?
[I agree that in a healthy r you don't look for all your needs to be met by one person - something that I recognised, and tried to persuade my h to develop stronger friendships and links, which ironically have kept him going throughout his MLC. Without these I think he would have disintegrated earlier.]
So they rewrite history, ofen very adroitly, so that only those closest to them realise the tissue of lies from the outset [He even had me believing some of the stuff, so unblinkingly convincing was he - including things he categorically denies ever having said.] The lies become more apparent to those who know them less well as the MLC progresses, and the 'story' constantly shifts to accommodate the MLCers changing perceptions as one strategy after another fails to deliver the 'promised' solution.
As an example: My h recently had dinner with some friends, and tried to ignore the fact that he had had an affair that lasted over a year as a PA, and rather longer as an EA - that is he tried to write it out of his script as of any significance, but unfortunately for him these were the friends to whom he went at the outset to tell them how much in love he was. . . . He appears to have completely forgotten this.
