Thank you again for your advice and encouragement. I'm listening and taking it all in.

Today was an interesting day. H seems to have jumped ship! No sign of him all day today, either by me or at the job site, which is highly unusual for him. In a hopefully inconspicuous way, I asked some of the folks on the job today if H had stopped by or if they knew if he was going to, and they said they hadn't been able to reach him all day. I played stupid and said I would give him a message when I spoke to him. No charges on the credit cards today either by him... I did drive by OW house, and I'm not positive that I know which car is hers, but if my guess is right, it appeared as if her car was home today instead of her being at work, as I believe she probably should have been at that time. That bothered me, but no sign that I could find of H's car there (doesn't mean I just didn't see it). I know that the snooping is bad - believe me. I went through this before he came home, and about 3 weeks or so before he came home, I decided to stop snooping altogether cold turkey, and I felt so much better! I guess it was just easier then because I knew he was probably there and that it tore me apart to find signs of that, so I just let it go. Now it's different again because I DON'T know if he's there or not. I suspect strongly that he is, but I don't know for sure.

As the afternoon progressed, I ended up getting extremely busy with work and appointments, which was probably for the better. I kept thinking about what you all said about my self-esteem, being a doormat, me doing nothing wrong, him coming home too soon, him not ending it completely with her, him being angry at ME, etc. I know this is all true, and I guess I am starting to feel even more angry about all of it, which I know isn't productive either... I know I'm a good, loving person and wife. I made some really bad mistakes, and I love this man with all of my heart and want to work on the mistakes I made. I have tried to be so loving and supportive in the few weeks he was back home. However, I know at some points I went overboard and became that clingy, needed, desperate person that he does not like and that pushes him away. Why wouldn't he want to be with her instead? No conflict to deal with, no issues to resolve - just the "happy, we're new to this, butterfly feelings" stuff. It just hurts so much to feel like he's considering throwing our M away (we've been married for almost 10 years) rather than first giving it everything he can to work on it. If we don't end up in a happy place together after both giving all that we can and care, then fine, we'll deal with what to do then. But for him to not even put his full heart and efforts into trying after the dreams we've built together, the magnificent business we've built together, the wonderful friends and family that we have, even just for the sake of each other -- I just don't get it.

I know he said he has given a piece of his heart to this other person, and he told me that he needed to get that back before he could be with me again. The problem is, I don't think he has done that. I have told him that I truly want him to be happy, whatever that is, but that my hope is that he will at least give everything he can to be happy with ME. If it doesn't work, then we'll deal with it then. I just don't want to live my life with regrets that the mistakes I made lead to this and that I didn't get the chance to fix them and to work to make him happy.

On the other hand, I'm feeling so isolated and unloved right now by him. It seems as if somehow if he's mean to me (not in a "mean" way, but just not loving, etc.) that it somehow makes it easier on him??? Again, I guess the whole problem is that I thought when he finally came home that that was it - game on. We're in this together, and we're going to work through this. And when that didn't happen and I felt the distance between us, I think that's when I got desperate again and started doing unproductive things and that that pushed him away even worse. I honestly didn't WANT to do that. I kept asking him what he needed from me, that I wanted to be supportive of him. And I told him that it hurt that he hadn't asked me once what I needed of him. To that end, I decided to tell him just a few things that would make me feel better, and he seemed open to doing those, which was encouraging. But when we had our marathon talk the other night, he told me that he was there for me as a friend and as a business partner but that he just wasn't there for me in a R standpoint. Wow, that felt nice.

So I think to myself, okay. I know I contributed grately to this whole A happening in the first place. I've taken responsibility for my part in that and feel awful about it and have apologized too many times to count. Then I sit at home for almost three months while he is staying most if not all of the time with OW (one month of which he was lying to me the whole month and telling me he was not staying with her), I "wait" for him, as he told me almost from day 1 of me finding out about this that he had decided to ultimately give our M another chance but just wasn't sure when that would be, let him back into our home, my bed, and my heart (to the best of my ability at this point), show him kindess, love, support - and this is what I get in return? To come home last night to a house that he has once again left without even a word to me, a note, anything? And this is after my phone conversation with him last night ending with "is everything okay with us?" And him replying "yes"? And then to disappear all day today from the world? It hurts that he could be so cruel. I know he's upset, but I just feel like I've been kicked in the stomach by someone who is supposed to care about me. He could have called and at least told me that he is okay and is going to take the day away somewhere (didn't even need to tell me where) and that he would touch base with me tomorrow. But he probably knew that I would try to pressure him into talking to me... I don't know. This is all such a mess.

Anyway, we'll see what tomorrow brings. Maybe it was good that I didn't talk with him today. Maybe that gave me, as you suggested, space that I need as well. I have even tinkered tonight with the thought of acting like nothing happened and not even asking him about it when I see him next. Although I think that would probably be a smart thing to do, I doubt I'll have the strength to do it. I just can't go on without knowing what he is thinking. The problem is, he tells me one thing one minute and another thing the next. I know he's just really confused right now. I'm just so tired of hurting so much.

Well, I need to try to get some rest tonight. I'm sure that will go well, right? \:\( Thanks again for all of your support and advice. God, please grant me the knowledge and the patience to get through this and to save our M...