URGENT! OW had an abortion, H miserable

[Doe]

Any of this is just our opinions - but mine is right with you imLIN. He is cake eating and he is basically blackmailing you Ourcrisis to give him all the time he "needs". How much time does it take to finish with someone? If you are going to do it - not long at all. If you can have both while you think about it - well quite a long time i should say. There is a place for DBing but sounds like you have already achieved a major aim through it - he admits he loves you more. Now its time to get tougher. Be nice but withdraw gracefully from the competition, cos that's what this is, you're being forced to compete (joke isn't it - you versus a moral free trollop).

Tell him as he feels you wanting him to come home and be a married man is pressure you are taking that pressure off by giving him to her, cos they deserve each other. Tell him you love him but will not be working on your relationship until he can guarantee there are only two of you in it, not three. Then go out and get a social life which he is NOT included in. I have been in your exact sitch and finally got to this point after many months of being nice and enabling him in his adultery, cos whether he's sleeping with her or not that's what it is. My guess from being there is that if he isn't now, he soon will be again if this contact continues. Plus take on board the more he sees her the deeper that fake bond gets. The more they get to be them against the world (or wife) the deeper they bond. You can knock that house of cards down by withdrawing from the competition. For me - this scared him to death and something he had been "unable" to do (cos it would hurt her! HA! Like i wasn't dying a little every day ) -ie finish with her definatively - suddenly became magically possible. I know it's scary - hell it's terrifying - but it's that or wait a LONG time while he dithers and your love for him is slowly diminished. Good luck!

[Doe]

PS - ourcrisis - i don't usually post here but over on fortysixty forum. My husband is very definitely in the grip of mid life crisis - that's why DBing alone doesn't work for me. I just had to answer cos you are in my exact sitch (minus the abortion, fake or not) four months ago. It occurs to me that if you have been married /together 20 years and this is the first of this type of behaviour is it possible your h is in mid life crisis? Pop over to the 4060 and check it out - there is a MLC quiz you could do for him. It's a very real phenomena - hits the most decent and moral men the hardest. And there are different strategies for dealing with it than ordinary adultery.

[ourcrisis]

Doe and imLIN, thank you for the advice.
I am of course, still very undecided as to what to do. H is trying to keep me happy. It's funny to see whenever he goes out with her (dinner usually), he plans an outing for us. Such a busy man. Yes, I think he is at least dragging his feet if not cake eating. I was telling him that the kid actually asked where he was at dinnertime and my kid usually does not ask. I then couldn't help but said, "they'll get used to it soon". Then he slipped out and said, "I hope not. (sigh) It's ending soon." Don't know if that's a lie or not.
At this point, I am still trying to give me some more time. However, Doe, your first post hit it on the nail with almost every sentence. I am dying a slow death. With this going on, I am not sure if there will be anything left by the time he finishes with her (if he does). Everyday I am detaching a little more, and sometimes I am thinking more of "I DON'T need him" than "We'll stay together". It is terrifying. My GF (who finally dumped the husband after years of HIS depression) said my heart will tell me. Right now I know it's not time yet. But I can see it coming.
Doe, you really put my situation/feelings in words. Thanks.
H read the mlc books I gave him and concluded that he is not in mlc. I am not so sure as I can see the mlc trigger (friend same age died of cancer suddenly). I do visit midlifeclub for that. I think I will pop in fortysixty to take a look.
I have a hard time deciding how to fact him when he comes home after his "outings". Do I act as if nothing happen? Or do I act happy ("act as if" he's back from business dinner). I cannot detach all the time so I do feel upset though I am getting better in hiding it. That's the tough part in staying together.

[Heartbroken]

Hello,

Came to read your thread after you posted on mine last night. You are in such a terrible sitch - very much like my own. I think you are doing many things right. The emotional roller coaster is the worst.

I am not sure about the sex part - I let myself seduce him one last time when I knew he was going off to his apt to spend time with Ow (thought it was to be the last time). Even though I knew he was seeing her he still would try to sugar coat it and cover it up. I kept saying to use protection but he never did and now that he wants to start working on us and we are getting a little physical - I am scared to demand he get tested. I am still on eggshells - he is not ready to truly talk R stuff yet. I need to let him get over Ow first - so tonight I going to get some comdoms. I know we will not hold out for ML for this first month and I just want to be prepared. H looks at the unprotected sex like it was no big deal (H had a vasectomy 7 yrs ago) b/c he believed she had never been with someone but her H. Well then he found out there was another guy during this A (when we were reconciling in Jan) - wow she lasted two weeks ("But it's not like she was a tramp" H says - yeah right). Even when she was taking a herpes prescription she said it was just a cold sore medication - he just literally takes her word on everything.

I hope someday he truly questions everything she said...for now I have to be happy he has let her go and wants to come back to me...

You are in a hard spot b/c he has you and her - I cannot tell you what to do ---only you can decide what is best for YOU. Maybe he can move to the guest room or couch... If he sees the risks of losing you that may have him come around too. It's hard to tell. I doubt it will push him closer to Ow. She seems like she is becoming a pain and that is good!