I don't know if I'm one to give advice since my H is doing the same thing! He is crazy about getting house projects done. Like you said - he can't sit still. It seems like they are just so conflicted and need to keep their hands and minds busy. I wonder if it's a way for them to feel like they are still part of the home life, too... Is that good or is that bad?? I think it's good especially if you have been proving to him that life with you - the stable, wonderful woman - is something that any normal person would really want.
I have ready your story and you are going throught the exact same thing I did. First of al I would not tell him not to come over and do the projects. What you might do is find something to do outside the house when he is there.
When he is with you and at the house doing things for you think about what he may or may not be telling the OW. It's likely he is not being straight with her and that certainly will not help in his building a life with OW.
Just a quick recap on my situation:
My husband moved out in January 2004. Married 19 years two boys one 16 and 9 at the time he moved out. I knew he was having an A but he didnt admit it until May 2004. H was doing the exact same thing, calling, emailing, coming over all those things. He didnt like being in the apt at all. At first I was ok with it and then after a few months I finally started getting a life of my own and doing things for myself. H didn't like that H moved back home in July 2004: unfortunately the A continued off and on until April 2006. He worked with the woman and it wasnt until a few months after he finally quit that it finally ended. It was a very long and very tiring road but like my situation, the A with your H and OW will come to an end. If you stay true to yourself and your children and what you have built with your H up until now is solid, then things can work out.
I still have my moments and sometimes I get so mad at him for creating this mess and leaving me with such bad memories and feelings to get over but he is back home and we are working together to rebuild and create new memories. OW still trys to contact H and cant understand why he doesnt want to stay in touch. I want so much to call her and tell her to get a life !!! but I don't because it will only stir up more bad feelings. Hang in there. Try to focus on you and the kids and not the OW. It is very hard and you will have you set backs but you will get to the other side.
C told me to do what makes me feel comfortable and dammit he gets his cake and gets to eat it too!! H gets to have a swinging bachelor pad to decide which woman he wants most? And he gets to come in and out of our home like he's still the involved caring H - like's he's never checked out and this irks me to no end
I just want him to see what he is giving up. Why do I feel I coddle his feelings and ignore mine completely!!!!! It's just so damn frustrating...And I know I cannot control the timeline but can't I control how much he's around or do I even want to???? I am so confused and now sadness is starting to set in in for the first time today. I 'get' to go off and shop by myself (never have been a shopper) when all I want is to go home to a loving H and two wonderful kids. I so regret taking life for granted....why is this soooooo hard. I just feel my heart breaking a little bit once again....
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
It is frustrating but you have to stay strong. One thing my H did tell me is that if I had pushed him against the wall and made him chose in the beginning he probably would have chosen the OW. Not what I wanted to hear but he is not thinking with all his brains these days. You want the opportunity to rebuild the marriage some day so hang in there for now. Life with the OW isnt as rosey as you might think it is for him.
Be strong... Go shopping, call a friend or go to a movie (just not a sappy love story)
One other piece of advice, dont share your troubles with your family . When you get back with H they wont forget. I had one very good girlfriend who I knew wouldnt pass judgement on either myself or my H so I confided in her but only her and it wasnt easy keeping it to myself.
Thanks for the input - I already told my Mom that the detailed discussions must stop - for if H does come back he will have so much to face with me alone and does not need the family issues too! I so regret going there but hindsight is 20/20. So do I let him do the house stuff or make him sit tight for a month or so???? What are your thoughts?
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
I have not posted on my situation in over a year. I like to read but do not post too often.
Yes I did get through it. Husband has been home since July 2004 but affair didnt completely end until April 2006. Because they worked together in a small office he could not get away from it all and he was able to keep the affair a secret in the office. Because he worked so hard to do that he never completed ended it with OW while he was working there. Although it was a physical affair towards the end it was more emotional then anything. Once he quit and got away from her every day 5 days a week it finally blew up and ended.
We are working to rebuild and that has its good days and bad days as well. Its not easy I know and somedays are more difficult then others.
It was very difficult and I wanted to walk away so many times but hung in there.
So can I have hope if I stay positive and patient that he may open his eyes? I can out wait the Ow!! I have seen her needy side and her pressure to H to have him file. He DOES NOT like to be pressured. I am afraid at this point to put out any more hope - it seems everytime I do I just get hurt again. I am not sure how much more my heart can take.
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
