Sorry for the delay in this response. I had a few moments and thought that perhaps I would take a minute to reply. As always, your threads are so thought provoking and insightful. I feel privileged to have this opportunity to learn from you and to share here.
Well, I started this post a few days ago but somehow deleted it so I will try to gather my thoughts again …
So to answer your questions as best I can… here I go.
Yes, I have always been afraid of rejection in an almost paralyzing way to be honest. I am a pleaser largely due to never being able to meet my mother’s approval. I excelled in school but that was never good enough. I never rebelled as a kid or a teenager (I had to wait to get to my 30s to do that instead) and that was not good enough, I never did anything that would get her twisted but somehow she was always twisted with me. I never wanted to disappoint the adults in my life, in fact they relied on me heavily to be the responsible one so, I only know responsibility.
My childhood was okay. Not the best but certainly not as bad as it could have been. It was not overly loving when it came to my parents but my grandparents were always loving and caring so it sort of balanced out my wacko parents. School was the highlight of my life. I was depressed when I was not there. I hated to go home at the end of the day. I hated the weekends. Summers were okay because I got to be outside with friends … School was great and really got me through my childhood. Things did not pick up for me when I left grammar school though. My mom sent me to an all girls high school. What a mess that was. I went from one sheltered dysfunctional environment to another… I always feared letting people down and so I suffered silently and sometimes begrudgingly.
MLC to me is sort of revisiting of your spirituality. I had always gone to church and prayed growing up but somewhere in the process of getting married, working and just being too busy… I stopped and herein lies the beginning of my issues…
I believe that what my husband is going through now has been in him all along. I believe that he is getting in touch with the side of himself that he left behind or turned from when we got married and settled into grown up lives and responsible jobs. We did not have the young lives that our friends had, we were in our 20s and in jobs that it took our coworkers YEARS to get. So, we hung around an older crowd instead of doing fun and youthful things together. Now, we barely speak.
I believe that The Creator can see the beginning, the middle and the ending all at once which is why He does not stress it so much, he knows how the sitch will play itself out ultimately.
I also believe that things are not as they seem or appear. Actually, I think that because things are happening concurrently we will never really and fully understand the magnitude of our existence and experiences on this planet. If you think about it, one change in our plans for the day can absolutely impact something huge in someone else’s life. I think that something is going on with my husband but because we do not communicate, I am not quite sure that I will ever really know what he is going through. Men are less verbal than women when it comes to feelings and ways of being.
I also believe that like birth and death, MLC is something that you go through alone. No one can make it better or go away. Although there are things that you can do to make it better … counseling being one of them.
I do feel a spiritual presence in my life. I never feel alone any more although I am lonely. I feel comforted despite the fact that things are in turmoil for me right now. I have a renewed sense of hope though because I have decided to focus on purchasing a home before the new school year begins. Once that is done, I will have to make some decisions about my marriage. I believe that the Creator put this order of things in my mind because when the year began, I had planned to start the D process in March. One morning between sleep and awake, this warm feeling came over me and I woke up knowing that I should buy a house… I cannot explain it, I just know it intuitively.
