I had the A, how to regain trust?

[*KS*Chick*]

I regret it because it's hurt him but I know it had to come out. He says he does commend my honesty and that it's helped him trust me more.

I haven't had a chance to read all of the MM - he said there were three parts so far that really said what he was feeling.

for me, I didn't feel important, didn't really think H would care, wasn't top priority for him. My mistake was not telling him that instead of seeking the attention elsewhere. I don't know that I sought the attention, but I was receptive to it, whereas I wasn't before....

[LoginName]

Ah, I see. I feel that I can't judge my W in this, and not just because I had an A too. I feel that WE got to the point where she could have an affair. It's my fault too. That being said, it was her choice to have A and leave.

I think that I am bottling up some of the anger and hurt I have over this. I think it will bubble up eventually and I'll have to be ready to deal with it in a healthy way. So I would guess this is hard for your H and he has some hurt and anger too.

AND, you do to, right? I mean, if he would have given you what you needed, if he would have shown that he cared, you two wouldn't be where you are today.

Try not to go that route. Take responsibility for what you did and make ammends. Let him take responsibility for himself and what he did. I think you have a right to be angry too, but be careful with the anger.

I'm trying to look at the sitch like this. My W and I built a house in New Orleans. It was a nice house, but we didn't take care of it very well. It was falling apart. Then, Katrina hit. It's nobody's fault Katrina hit, it just did. Now we can blame each other, or we can learn from this and build our next house on higher ground, maybe in a different state. I can be angry that the hurricane hit, but it's not my W's fault.

I think that analogy kind of works.

However, I'd love to hear my wife say she is sorry for the A and leaving. What she should have done is tell me, before the A, that she wanted to try to fix things and what she thought the problems are, or divorce me first then go to the OM. Ah, who am I kidding, it still would have hurt like hell. At least she (and I) would be more honest if we did it that way.

Boy, I'm really talkative today. Thanks for chatting with me. Hope I'm not prattling on too much.

[*KS*Chick*]

However, I'd love to hear my wife say she is sorry for the A and leaving. What she should have done is tell me, before the A, that she wanted to try to fix things and what she thought the problems are, or divorce me first then go to the OM. Ah, who am I kidding, it still would have hurt like hell. At least she (and I) would be more honest if we did it that way.

Don't do the should thing because we all SHOULD have done things differently.

I am not angry at him. Maybe I should be, but I am more upset by what I've done to him. I am not blaming him because I did make a choice - a stupid choice, but it was me that made it....

[LoginName]

You're right, no SHOULDS.

You're also a special person. I enjoy talking with you and I think you're on the right track. It sounds to me like you and your H will work it out.

Admission: I was starting to flirt with you in that paragraph. You are saying and doing what I'd like my W to do, and you are paying attention to me, which I'd also like my W to do. And, my W told me this last night, I am the biggest flirt she knows.

I think I'm just nice and know how to pay attention to people, men and women. But she is right, I do flirt in my way all the time.

I'm not a player, I don't have great lines, but I smile, compliment and listen. I'm pretty Evil. I think I might have stopped flirting with my W.

As for anger, I'd be surprised if some doesn't pop out of you eventually. Maybe just a little anger. If it doesn't though, great.

[*KS*Chick*]

You're right, no SHOULDS.

You're also a special person. I enjoy talking with you and I think you're on the right track. It sounds to me like you and your H will work it out.

Admission: I was starting to flirt with you in that paragraph. You are saying and doing what I'd like my W to do, and you are paying attention to me, which I'd also like my W to do. And, my W told me this last night, I am the biggest flirt she knows.

I think I'm just nice and know how to pay attention to people, men and women. But she is right, I do flirt in my way all the time.

I'm not a player, I don't have great lines, but I smile, compliment and listen. I'm pretty Evil. I think I might have stopped flirting with my W.

As for anger, I'd be surprised if some doesn't pop out of you eventually. Maybe just a little anger. If it doesn't though, great.

There you go man - flirt with her. Make her feel you want her!

[LoginName]

I do! I do want her. I can't express it because if I show too much love or affection, she takes it as a demand that she reciprocate (did I spell that right?). Sometimes I feel I've got so much love and affection bottled up in me that I have to let it out somewhere.

My kids are getting lots of attention these days, as are the cats. :-)

I have been giving my W lots of compliments. I make sure they are all sincere, but she still doubts me at times.

[LoginName]

alright UA, where is your most current posts? I want to catch up. Last I checked, things weren't going badly. I can't seem to find your newest, unlocked, recent posts.

[*KS*Chick*]

I'm in separation....about halfway down the page.

Standing...or something like that is the title - I can find the link if you need it

[LoginName]

Would you give me the link? when I click on your Separation link, I don't see any posts for this month and the graphics are messed up.

But as I recall, you and H had separated, but were having some good times together and seems to be working toward reconciliation, right?

By the way, have you heard of the book "Controled Separation" or something like that? It's idea is that often marriages are saved by separation that gives both parties the space to deal without so much emotion with the issues. It suggests guidelines and rules to follow. From what I read of your sitch, it sounds like you did something like that.

[*KS*Chick*]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=943571&page=1#Post943571

there ya go. Haven't checked that book out yet - might do that. Of course I have 299 posts right now so if the mods come back from vacation, it might lock soon! LOL