New to Piecing II

[believing_isaiah43]

Good for you, COG! I am inspired.

H and I are going to an out of town wedding this weekend. I expect to be fabulous and hope H will think so too. I just want to have fun and see what happens. Thanks for your story! You are such a good egg

[IAChild]

COG,

I've been very lax lately in posting, but I remember you, my friend. You've been a beacon of light and hope and success for many, many people on this bb. I am positively elated and delighted that you are still around and still moving forward.

God's blessings on you, my very, very successful friend!

Shalom,
M

[frank_D]

Then we parted ways and as the next song started, I looked around to find another victim, I mean partner, and my W was standing right in front of me with a look like "hey, what about me"??? It was perfect timing. So I grabbed her for another nice fun and hot dance.

Sounds like you really pressed her attraction buttons. Have you thought about looking at what it is about you that she finds attractive and doing those things more often?

As I look back through your thread I see a long time filled with patience and loving from you.

The 'stuck' point now seems to be the 'attraction' part. As a woman, she needs to be attracted to you in 'that way' and she's not getting the stimulation. When you were the 'dancing fool' the other night she saw you as 'attractive' because obviously other women 'wanted' you.

That's just one way to push her attraction buttons.

Another way is to be a little unpredictable, and a little 'naughty' in the way you talk to her. Like a bad little boy.

Being strong, showing leadership and most of all playing a little 'hard to get'. Women live for the chase. She has already 'caught' you.

Maybe you should start teasing a little and then backing off in a 'bad boy' sort of way? Perhaps adopting a slight 'You can't have me' attitude and letting it come out - just a little bit.

I really think that's where you're at. She's not feeling the attraction because YOU aren't pushing her buttons.

I was stuck in the same place and when I changed my attitude it made a difference. I got a lot from the articles at makingherhappy .

Maybe it will help you change the dynamic.

[COG]

Believing,

Thanks for checking in. I hope YOU have fun at the wedding this weekend. One thing I've learned is that it's really MY responsibility to have fun at these functions, it's not up to W. I don't enjoy being a tag along at events like that, and I don't think W enjoy's me being her tag along. So my attitude going into these functions is, I'm gonna have a fun time whether I spend 5 minutes or 5 hours in the prescence of my W. Plus it's fun to mingle around and then just bump into her.

We went to a Christmas party, all couples, this year and we stuck together the whole time. It turned out to be very depressing because our, less than whole, R really stood out in OUR minds.

So go have a good time, be cordial to H, but don't expect him to make your night.

God Bless,

COG

[COG]

IAChild,

Thanks so much!

COG

[COG]

FrankD,

Being strong, showing leadership and most of all playing a little 'hard to get'. Women live for the chase. She has already 'caught' you. Maybe you should start teasing a little and then backing off in a 'bad boy' sort of way? Perhaps adopting a slight 'You can't have me' attitude and letting it come out - just a little bit.

I am sooo lousy at that Frank. I'm a very funny guy, wild at heart, and I can tease with the best of them, but I'm a real wuss sometimes. I know there's one thing right now that's not very attractive to her and that's my short temper with the kid's. She's calling me on it fairly regularly. It's the way I was raised, and it's tough to change, but I'm going to work harder on that. I get real snappy with them in the evenings, especially when they interrupt what prescious few moments W and I have to chat. Like while we're doing dishes together, the kid's eavesdrop, and interrupt and it just makes me homicidal so I very abruptly and angrily tell them to mind their own business and not interrupt. I know it's not attractive when I do that, but it's very frustrating when we get interrupted. So I've got to find a better way, I've tried talking to the kid's and I think they need a little refresher. I'll try that tonight. Maybe I'll speak to each one privately so they get the importance of it.

Sure, she'll tolerate small lapses in that 'attention' from you but the bottom line, as my W said to me, is that she just doesn't want to feel alone. I can withdraw, check out or whatever for short periods but I have to stay connected enough to make her feel loved.

It's interesting that my R is almost opposite. I would like W to stay connected. She tends to check out, or at least I interpret it as checking out. She's really just too tired or busy, but my need to be connected remains the same whether she's tired, grumpy or not. I've gotten much better about understanding her needs for space. Like she's PMSng right now, that means she has the look that I interpret as either "I'm tired, or I'm not real happy with you, or I wish I were not M to you, or all of the above". At least we can discuss it now, she informs me of it, and that helps me understand it and get past it.

I just downloaded the "Making Her Happy" article. It sounds interesting because it focuses on reviving or keeping the attraction alive within an existing R. Whereas most of the other self help things tend to help you into a new R. I'll check it out and hopefully put some things to use.

Thanks for your input.

God Bless,

COG

PS I checked out your most recent thread and did'nt see much about your current sitch. How are things going for you?

[Just_Me]

I get real snappy with them in the evenings, especially when they interrupt what prescious few moments W and I have to chat. Like while we're doing dishes together, the kid's eavesdrop, and interrupt and it just makes me homicidal so I very abruptly and angrily tell them to mind their own business and not interrupt. I know it's not attractive when I do that, but it's very frustrating when we get interrupted. So I've got to find a better way, I've tried talking to the kid's and I think they need a little refresher. I'll try that tonight. Maybe I'll speak to each one privately so they get the importance of it.

COG, maybe they just want some of that attention as well. They see the attention you lavish on your wife and just want to be part of it. Perhaps the 180 would be to welcome them into the conversation. Put that lightheartedness to good use. Be silly and funny with them. Don't save all that for just your wife. My wife says that it's attractive to her (and actually turns her on) to see me getting along well and being loving towards her children. I'm just throwing that out there.

[COG]

JustMe,

They see the attention you lavish on your wife and just want to be part of it. Perhaps the 180 would be to welcome them into the conversation. Put that lightheartedness to good use. Be silly and funny with them. Don't save all that for just your wife.

My kid's think I am the funniest, and dopiest man that ever walked. They are almost constantly in stitches over my antics and interactions. I'm really a comedian at heart, a Bill Cosby type, and can have fun with almost anything. I think the problem is that the kid's and I get going, really interacting with them like at the dinner table. Yes we all still actually sit down to dinner TOGETHER! Anyway it's hard to turn it off and give my W 100% once the kid's get going. After dinner they're supposed to be quietly doing homework, and W and I are usually doing kitchen stuff. It's our prescious little time together. But these kid's look for ANY little reason to distract them from homework, and it's GETTIN OLD!

We need to teach them how to turn it off, and focus on the task at hand. But most importantly, to not interrupt W and I. Trust me, we get VERY little private time together. So little that the time in the kitchen after dinner, doing dishes, is about it. That's why I'm so protective of it. Our kid's get more than enough attention, they really need to learn how to sit down and shut up.

My wife says that it's attractive to her (and actually turns her on) to see me getting along well and being loving towards her children.

That is a VERY good point and I think that's a 180 that I really need to do here. I love my kid's and we get along VERY well, do MANY fun things together. But I need to stop my angry yelling at them. I just reach a certain point and that's it, I just loose it. Like when you nicely ask the kid four times to put his dirty socks in the hamper, well by the fifth time I've lost it and I'm yelling in anger. I'll try a kinder, gentler approach and maybe one with some teeth/consequences other than an angry father.

Death to self, don't feed the anger! Show her a strong, confident, and loving father, not a hot head! God help me!

Love,

COG

[Just_Me]

I'm glad. That makes me happy. And you do deserve some "me" time and some "wife and I" time. You might need to carve that time out more in private. Lock your bedroom door and do something together that you both enjoy. Who knows, maybe your wife will eventually get other ideas about what's enjoyable in the bedroom

[SvenTheRed]

COG,

Killer advice from JustMe and Frank. Start living the stuff from the link Frank gave you. I have and it DOES work. My W and I were actually talking over the weekend about what I wuss I was and how that has changed all for the better....

She too has become really turned on when I interact in a group - even when there are other women - she loves the pursuit and creating attraction. Same when parenting or helping the kids. I've caught her staring at me when helping the kids do homework or even this weekend she commented about how she loves to watch me ski - I was helping her and our littlest (S4) on the slopes.

As a balance to the MakingherHappy stuff which totally works - if you have time, read "For Men Only" by Feldhahn. That talks a lot about "connections" and how to keep them. It is a good balance to the MHH stuff.

In the meantime, hang in there. No wussing out on us!

Sven