I'm rereading the post about being banished. Sigh.. what is healthy for Heather? This power play is NOT healthy for you. What is your boundary on this? If you opened a door that causes you pain, ML to him, etc when he's disrespecting what you need to have to be nurtured in the R, then you've done something that has hurt yourself and it could add to the confusion. You've sent a msg that you were close and comfortable enough to ML. And now you're asking about sleeping in the bedroom. It's conflicting msgs Heather. Now it seems like you're using the sleeping arrangement as an excuse to not commit to the R long-term. I know that's not the case.. the bedroom is a HUGE issue for you. But, when you send these msgs, your H does not respect them. He doesnt respect that you need to sleep in the bed with him as a W because you don't respect that boundary for yourself.. he might count it as BS and an excuse. I know this is harsh, and I've been there. I've had no respect for my own boundaries in my R with J. He disrespected my boundaries because I disrespected them. I sent a msg that I'd be in the R, but threaten to leave and any glimmer of hope (whether he was committed and respecting me or not), I'd cling to it and climb back in and then I'd start over pointing out what he needed to do and he'd start fearing abandonment again. That's the cart before the horse. In order to even consider having an R again, we had to set the groundrules of respect. That had to come first because without it we were going to get into that cycle of hoping, yet not changing. I'm not trying to hit you with a 2X4, but hoping you'll consider the messages you're sending. Respect yourself. It's OK to say H, I love you, but I can't be close to you without XYZ. How he takes that is his responsibility. You're trying to assure him of a commitment that isn't the truth because you're unable to commit to someone that you feel is mistreating you. As I said before, you don't have to tell him to "do" anything, like let you back in the bedroom. But you can clearly communicate how it makes you feel when you're not welcome there and what that does to your heart and your commitment.. how scary it is for you that it makes you feel rejected and how impossible it is to say that you're willing to live in an environment of rejection forever.
